December 23rd

OK, the Christmas presents are wrapped and under the tree. All the home made gifts are done and some of them delivered to some special folks I've met here in Northville/Novi who've made my life so much better. During this break from school I've really enjoyed making treats, getting into the Christmas spirit, sleeping! relaxing! getting ready for the next semester, spending time with good friends, and most of all getting to see my boys! I'm going to make my grandmother's Nut Horns today and I always enjoy making them because I remember the day I sat at her kitchen table watching her make them. It was a few days before I got married and she was making them for the "cookie trays" for the reception. Don't know if any of you observe that tradition when you attend weddings for friends or family, but it Johnstown, PA, it's HUGE! When my niece got married, we had so many cookies. Her mother in law and I put the trays together and there were tons. I made all of my favorite cookies for her wedding. I remember my wedding as well. Only we had cookie trays at the bridal shower as well. Anyway, I remember my grandmother making the cookies and "showing me the ropes." I'll never forget that day. If only she could see me now, and my Mom as well. I miss them both so much. Having 3 brothers and 2 sons, I don't have a lot of women in my life. I have two great sister-in-laws who are married to my brothers, and I miss Dan's sister and my niece.

So, here's my grandmother's Nut Horn Recipe. Believe me, it took me a couple of years to perfect it because she didn't put measurements on her recipe cards - she had them in her head! I have both my grandmother's and my Mom's recipe boxes. I also have some of my Mom's cookbooks, along with he ones I've collected throughout the years, and new ones I've purchased recently since I started school. Maybe this is what I was truly meant to do. I wouldn't change a thing about the last 38 years of my life, though. Meeting and falling in love with Dan, all the wonderful years we had together and the two terrific sons we have. I guess it's going to take a while to get over Dan - the hurt, the sadness, the pain that's we've caused each other. Looking back now, I wish we would have worked on our marriage - made it a priority. I hope someday we can be friends again. It's so hard going through life, experiencing everything, and not being able to tell the one person in the world - the person I've shared everything with for the past 38 years - all about it. There are times when something will happen and I still think I can't wait to tell Dan. Then I remember. Divorce and these feelings are going to be a part of my life for the rest of my life. I pray every day that God helps to heal both of our hearts.

                                                 Nanny's Nut Horns

5 cups flour
1 tsp. salt
1 lb. Crisco (I use 1/2 lb. Crisco and 1/2 lb. butter)

Mix like a pie crust. Dissolve 3 pkgs. dry yeast in 1 cup luke-warm milk and 2 eggs. Add to dry mixture. (I let this set in frig. for several hours.) Roll into a circle like a pie crust on a mixture of flour, confectioner's sugar and granulated sugar to about 1/8" thickness. Cut into 8 equal triangles. Starting at wide end, put about 1 tsp. of nut mixture on the dough(or canned apricot, raspberry, or pineapple) and roll up to the point, which will end up on top, and that's how you'll place it on the cookie sheet. Form the cookie into a slight crescent shape. Now Nanny didn't list how long to bake them, so I've estimated they should bake at 350 degrees for 10-15 minutes. You could bake at 375 degrees for a shorter amount of time, but I'm always afraid of burning them. After they come out of the oven, remove from the cookie sheet, wait about a minute, then roll them in confectioner's sugar.

Nut Mixture:
2 cups ground pecans or walnuts
1 cup sugar
enough hot milk to moisten

The proportions of the mixture can be adjusted. I cut this in half because I use other fillings as well. My Mom's favorite filling was prune!

School and Christmas

I found out that I got a 4.0 this semester! Unbelivable, truly unbelivable. next session I have five classes and maybe a part-time job so I don't expect those kinds of grades, but just doing it once...I think I only got all A's one other time in my life. It's a great feeling and a great accomplishment for me.

I've been busy getting ready for Christmas ever since I got out of school. I made a lot of the gifts this year - candy, pasta, sauce, coated pretzels, cake pops...I love doing those kinds of things, bagging them up, just everything! It's been a while since I've done it and I really did miss it. I'm going to make my Grandmother's cookies next.

I'm going to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Chris. Then Jason and Brittany and Chris and I will be together the 28th and 29th. It is what it is and we're all adjusting.

God, help me through this next semester...help me to feel more confident and help me to realize I can do this!

Done!

Whoo Hoo!

I'm done with this semester! I don't go back to school until January 9th! I so need this break. All I had to do today was attend our skills class and assist the students taking the final today, like they assisted us yesterday when we took the final. It was sooo stressful because of the time constraint. I did work with a sense of urgency....and panic....and...and confusion...disorientation...then urgency. It was crazy! I went over the time allotment - which I knew I would - by 1/2 hour. Luckily he gave us a half-hour extension. Some of the students took almost an hour longer. But, I got everything done except the parsley dust...I chopped the parsley for my garnishment, so I got a 2 out of 5. I knew I was in trouble when I went off the rails and stopped following my time line. When he told us it was 9:30 and we had one more hour, I panicked. I seriously didn't know what I was doing. I skipped a whole prep section I had built in. Oh, well, I thought I had truly bombed it but I ended up with a B+. Unbelievable. The chicken fabrication was going great...until I got to the breast and I sort of forgot what I was doing. I think I tasted my dishes. I think it was just way too much to try to get done in that short amount of time. I didn't really get to do the twists I wanted to - like sauteing the green beans with a little garlic, or adding some additional butter to the Risotto. I did something I picked up in open lab on Saturday. For our Spinach Gratin - which was really, really easy, I added some Parmesan cheese to the Bechamel (making that mother sauce a mornay sauce), and then adding additional parm before broiling it. But, guess what I did? I put the dish under the salamander (broiler), was counting in my head, went to do something real quick, came back, grabbed it and it was beautiful---except it wasn't mine---mine burnt by the time I realized what had happened. I got upset, chef said I didn't have time to be disappointed, I could scrape the burnt cheese off. I said no way, even thought I was behind. I just started over. Actually, it took only a couple of minutes. You take a bowl or casserole and butter it. Then you take spinach that's been blanched for maybe a minute, then shocked, then squeezed to get all of the water out of it. Then you layer the spinach on the bottom of the casserole, take your Bechamel sauce and add the parm., stir until it's melted, pour just enough over the spinach, not that it looks like soup, but just covered. Then add additional parm and broil it about 90 seconds. Add some salt, or some lemon juice before serving, whichever you prefer. Yummy! My mashed potatoes were good, my Bechamel perfect, but my knife cuts weren't as good as I'd hoped. Probably because I was shaking! LOL! Anyway, I've been through a final in the kitchen and now I know what to expect. They are just going to get harder. Yesterday, after I'd finished, I invited two of my friends from class - Evelyn and Patrick - out for a drink.  Oh, I had my English final yesterday, too. I did well. I saw the teacher today and he said I got an "A" in the class. I ended up with an A in my skills class, and an A in my Nutrition class, so I maintained my 4.0. Whew!! Don't know how long that will last, but it sure makes me feel good now! Next semester will be harder I know, plus I'm trying to get a part-time job at the school. So, now on to getting ready for Christmas. I can't wait to see my boys! I've got a lot to be thankful for! My family, my friends, my new friends from school who've been encouraging me, two new friends in my life -  Connie and Gina - who are also so encouraging - and my friend Ramzi who is my biggest cheerleader. I could just sleep the next three weeks, but too much to do!

Almost There

Well, yesterday I made my presentation in Nutrution class and got full marks. I had over 100% in the class so I don't have to take the final next week. I'm so glad. That class, despite the grade I got, was the hardest class I've ever taken. I worked my butt off studying for the quizzes, writing the papers, and doing the projects. Our instructor gave us plenty of breaks because the material was so difficult and only 11 weeks to cover it all. She gave lots of opportunities for extra credit and always reviewed for the quizzes for us. My presentation was on Osteoporosis becasue I'm Osteopenic. I also talked about my running injury and proper nutrition. One young man gave his presentation on Alcholism because he's a recovering alcholoic. I learned a lot from his presentation. We could write our paper on anything related to nutrition and everyone wrote about something they've either experienced or were passionate about.


I'll have my English final on Monday. That one will be hard I think, but if I do decently I believe I'll get an A in that class as well. It's the Skills class I'm really worried about. This past Tuesday I nearly gave up. I wanted to walk out of that class room, walk down the stairs, get in my car and just drive home and cry myself to sleep. Why can't I do anything right in that class? I've been cooking forever! I fabricated a chicken - the last one to practice on before the final on Monday and from the first cut I screwed it up. I couldn't believe it! It was like I've never done it before in my life! I just feel apart. I have no confidence about this final, none at all. I'm meeting two other friends on Saturday and we're going to open lab. We got together this week and came up with a game plan to go straight through the last 1 1/2 hours of production and see where we need to tweak things.  For this final, we have to:

• Fabricate one chicken into eight perfectly butchered pieces, leaving minimal meat on carcass
• Cut one carrot into 1/4" dice - perfect, exact, all the same size
• Cut one celery stalk into 1/2" dice
• Cut 1/2 onion into 1/4" dice
• Cut one potato into 2" x 1/4" x 1/4" Batonnet (like frites)
• Cut one potato into 4 Tourne's - seven sided "footballs"
• Tomato Concassee - score, blanch, shock, peel, quarter, seed, then cut into 1/4" dice
• Parsley dust - takes about 15 minutes to chop parsley until it's "dust"
• Prepare a batch of Hollandaise Sauce
• Prepare a batch of Bechamel Sauce
• Prepare a recipe of Coq au Vin
• Prepare a recipe of Chicken Chardonnay
• Green beans - blanch, shock, saute and have seasoned and perfectly al dente'
• Prepare a recipe of Spinach Gratin
• Prepare a recipe of Risotto (30-40 minutes of constant stirring for perfect, creamy result)
• Prepare a recipe of Mashed Potoatoes (no electric mixer - by hand!)
• Constantly show flawless sanitation techniques
• The two chicken dishes, the beans, and the mashed potatoes all have to be finished and presented at the same time

We have three hours to get this completed. It's worth 150 points - pass/fail. Each production is worth a certain amount of points. Please pray for me that I do well. Not only for the grade, but more importantly, that I'll have the strength and confidence to do this for the next four years.

Losses

This past week I've lost two very special people in my life...one through death and one through divorce. Lately, it's hard to really feel the difference between the two. I've had so many losses in my life...so many this year. Grieving, I've been told, is the same for a divorce as it is for a death. I sure have grieved a lot this year. It's hard to wonder what God is thinking sometimes. Last Sunday in church, our Pastor said, "God doesn't make mistakes." I have to believe that...believe in that fact.

I decided I did need a Christmas tree this year in my apartment. I went to the storage unit, opened the door...and cried. I have pieces of my life in so many places. Not just "things", but people, memories, feelings. My life will never, ever be the same. Neither will my husband or my kids lives be the same'. I did manage to get the tree - it was within easy reach. I climbed on top of a bench and saw one Christmas tub that I thought I could reach. The other Christmas tubs were buried too deeply to get to. The tub I did manage to reach had a few items in it. When I got back to the apartment, I started to unwrap the items in the tub. Memories of my days living in England rushed back to me. First I unwrapped the Spode Christmas plates I bought in England, as well as a Christmas Pudding teapot. I remember the day when I bought that teapot. I don't specifically remember the store, but I remember the friends I was with. Every once in a while a group of us - whoever was available - would venture down to Stoke-on-Trent and hit all of the shops. Most of us had a set of dishes (or two!) we were adding to. Spode, Waterford, Portmeirion...I remember the day I got the last Spode Christmas collector plate - the one I was missing. It wasn't in a shop...it was in my friend Denise's kitchen. She had gotten a few of those  plates to give as Christmas presents. When she found out I was missing that one, she gave it to me! The next item I unwrapped- a Christmas bell that matches the Portmeirion dishes I have. Another memory came to me. The memory of the day I discovered we had been burglarized and nearly half of the Portmeirion dishes I had been buying over the 1 1/2 years we'd live there were gone. We were packing up the house to move back to the states in two days. Again, my friend Denise came right over and (those of you who know Denise remember she had quite a potty mouth!), said a few choice words, and then helped me do a quick inventory of what all was missing, drove me to my insurance agent's office (how we found it that day I'll never know), and organized a group of friends to go with me to Stoke-on-Trent the next day to buy - in one afternoon - what had taken 1 1/2 years to buy. Then I remembered the friends that were in my dining room and kitchen just a few months ago packing ALL those dishes for me - a task I could not have managed alone.There were a few other items in the bin, but no ornaments and no lights The last two  items I unwrapped were  a Mr. and Mrs. Snowman that my sister-in-law Linda had given us for Christmas last year - when I was a "Mrs." and Dan was my "Mr." I went to Meijer and bought a few boxes of Christmas balls, a star for the top of the tree, and two boxes of icicles. I have a Christmas tree now. I'm glad I went to the storage unit and was able to reach that tub. It reminded me of all the wonderful people I have in my life and all that I do have going for me. That was a good tub to find. God doesn't make mistakes - he knew what he was doing I guess. He knew I needed a reality check, and I am glad for it.

A Difficult Day

Well,

What a day. In the kitchen, I fabricated (disassembled) another chicken - my third - and it was the worst one yet. I "butchered" it. I've seen three chefs at school - and countless others on You-Tube - and they all do it a different way. I've got to learn to do it the right way before the final. Jason is coming over to spend Thanksgiving with me. I'm so grateful. Chris was also supposed to come, but he's really, really busy with work and would have had to go right back, so I suggested he come see me when the timing at work is better. Jason and I are going to visit a couple kitchen shops because we both love shopping for kitchen gadgets and just looking at what's new. I'm really excited to just be spending some down time with him. We are going to do a Thanksgiving dinner, but I think we're going to do some non-traditional dishes because we can! I'm going to buy a bunch of broiler chickens so we can get this fabrication thing down pat and then I'm giving him the chicken meat for his freezer. Mine is too small for much of anything. I didn't do well on a quiz in my kitchen class; then got a paper back in English that was a mess. I'm going to have the opportunity to fix the errors to better my grade, so that's a good thing. APA citing - grrrr!

So, I'm really wondering if this decision to go to culinary school was a good one for me. I just seem to be doing everything back asswards. You'd think I've never been in a kitchen before. I've never had to do things "exactly right" in my kitchen - I just did it, so I've got lots of bad habits to break. The more I do wrong, the more nervous I get, and the more nervous I get, the less confidence I have in myself.

But, the worst thing today? I found out - by e-mail - that my divorce was final last Tuesday! I had no idea that it went through. I read my e-mail in between classes today and that was a big mistake. It really hit me hard, harder than I would have thought. I'm no longer Mrs. Dan Alt. I'm a Ms., a single...I went to a seminar this past Saturday at my church on "Surviving the Holidays", which was geared towards people who have lost a parent or spouse or child or friend, or are now single because of divorce. I'm struggling with the whole Christmas thing. I was soooo into Christmas...the tree, the decorations, the music, the gifts, the cooking, the baking, the Christmas cards...All of my Christmas stuff is in the way, way back of my storage unit. Do I even want to do anything this year?

I just pray that God will get me through all of this. I feel like I've lost so much; and as a friend told me today, I'm still mourning and adjusting to everything. I need to get my confidence back if I'm going to make it. I pray and just hope that God is listening. I know he has a plan...

University of Michigan

 Right this minute, I'm sitting in a Starbuck's, in the middle of University of Michigan's campus, wanting a Starbuck's so bad, but I don't know if my laptop will be here waiting for me when I get back. LOL! You never know! What brings me here is - right up the street - there's a vacuum store that sharpens knives. I'm waiting to go back and pick them up and needed somewhere to hang out. I heard they are really good and they do it by hand, so I decided to drive the 26 minutes, bring all of my school knives, and my knives from home as well. I just can't get the hang of sharpening my own knives at school, hence, I took my mid-term with a very dull paring knife! I plan to go to open lab tomorrow, and it will be great to have sharp knives finally. I'm going to be working on a cut - the Tourne' - which if you do know what this is, you're probably cringing; and if you don't, you should be! You take a potato (or other vegetable) and you turn it into a 2+ inch football with seven very distinct sides. You should have seen my first one! Well, I'm determined to master it tomorrow. My brother, Kevin, gave me the name of a site to look at for knife cuts - Alton Brown's Good Eats - American Slicer. Turns out, you know who told him about the show---My son Jason! Funny, huh? Anyway, don't know if he demonstrates that cut or not, but I'm going to do some research on line, once I quit writing this blog and looking around at all the "cool kids!"
I started thinking...wouldn't it have been nice if I were one of those cool kids, so many years ago, instead of now? But, then, I think of all the things I would have missed out on. Yep, I'm glad I took the path in life I took. This is just a new one. I feel like I'm always two steps behind, BUT at least it's now only two steps instead of 12! It is getting a little easier every day. I registered for classes next semester and and didn't screw up this time! It's a beautiful Michigan fall day. The sun is shining and it's 48 degrees. I guess I better get back to what I was doing - research on the three papers I have due. Once I pack up and head back to pick up my knives (if I remember where I parked the car!) you can bet I'm gonna get a Starbuck's coffee to enjoy on the way home!

Mid-term

It's Wednesday, November 2nd. I got up at 5 am to study for a Nutrition test and I've been answering e-mails instead of studying! Yesterday I took my mid-term in my kitchen skills class. Very surprised - I got a B+. For me, that's amazing. My knife skills are not anywhere near some of the students in class. In fact, I'm planning to go to open lab every Saturday - probably for the next 4 years! I love open lab. You just request the ingredients you want, there's a chef there to ask questions or show you a technique, and it's just considered part of your tuition. I don't have to buy the ingredients myself and practice at home without the assistance of a chef to show me the proper technique. Anyway, the mid-term was timed. We had 2 1/2 hours to complete the following: Chop one carrot and one onion into small dice - 1/4 inch. Surprisingly, I got high marks on those and I've been terrible at those cuts. We had to blanch, shock, peel, seed and chop a tomato into 1/4" dice; a potato into 2" x 1/4" x 1/4" Batonnet (all of these cuts have to be EXACTLY the same size); a rib of celery into 1/2" dice, and a shallot very finely minced. Then we had a poach an egg (harder than you'd think), make a blond roux, then use it in a Bechamel Sauce (mine, he said, was too thick); and a reduction and Hollandaise Sauce (got 7/10). I didn't look at ANY of my grade sheet - didn't want to get discouraged in the middle of the exam - after every task, he'd look at it and grade it. I'll look at it when we get it handed back to us. My cuts are getting better and better every week. Thank goodness my notebook is neat and complete, my participation in class is good, and I haven't missed any classes. That helps my grade. I was the next to last person done, but I was done before the 2 1/2 hours so I don't care. I left the carrot until last because that is my worst cut. I got full marks! On the divorce, I had to sign some additional, updated papers and a Quit Claim to the house - my beautiful home. That was tough. I had a bit of a meltdown this past Sunday while practicing for my mid-term. Anything sets me off these days. I just want this divorce over so I can start to heal. I've not spoken to Dan since before I moved out in August. I don't even remember my last words to him or his to me. I do have an A so far in my Nutrition and English classes. I just registered for next semester's classes. I'll have (2) 5 hour classes a week in Baking and Pastry Skills Lab, a 3 hour class in Baking and Pastry theory, and a 3 hour class in Purchasing and Product Identification. I hear from all the "kids" that it's the worst class ever, the professor is so difficult, and it's very, very hard. It will definitely be a challenging semester because lots is expected in the Baking and Pastry courses. Of course, being left-handed is a huge disadvantage with so much hands-on stuff. But I so want to learn the proper techniques to cake decorating, pastries, and baking in general. Here's a photo of me in my uniform. Don't you love it - all the cool kids are wearing them! LOL!

Another Week In!

I have a great pantry-this is just 1/3 of it!

My kitchen

Ok,

Another week in! On Monday, I was ready to drop out. It was such a bad day, but luckily I had a friend who talked with me, convinced me that I was just having a bad day and I'd be alright. It's now Saturday and I'm still not too sure. So this past Monday I drove the 15 minutes to school, was ready to take the stairs, and realized...I forgot my knife kit at home. I may as well have forgotten to wear pants. How could I forget it? You can't do anything in class without it! So, I asked my chef if I should drive back home and miss 1/2 hour of class...he said, "No, you can use mine." I felt like I was eight years old! How many times did I scold my kids for doing the same thing! It was humbling. The day went down hill from there. We had to each make a Chicken Consomme' and our table had to make Espagnole - one of the Mother Sauces. My Consomme' did not turn out. I let it come to a boil instead of a simmer and it was screwed right from the start. I learned a lesson. We need to make a successful Consomme' for our mid-term in two weeks. Our Espagnole didn't turn out as well as it could have I THINK because I made the roux and it could have been a bit thinner and would have incorporated nicer. Learned another lesson. The next day I made a roux and it was much better. I know now I'm learning, but on Monday I felt like a total failure. The week did get better - except for a fancy cut called a Tourne'. You cut a vegetable to resemble a seven-sided football. So, you guessed it - I'm going into school today - SATURDAY - for open lab time to practice that cut, along with all of the other cuts. We need to produce all the cuts we've learned so far on our mid-term as well. This week we're covering breakfast foods. Chef told us to go home and put a slice of bread into a saute' pan and practice flipping! I CAN do that! I'm also going to practice making poached eggs this weekend. Oh, it is so humbling. These kids in my class just pick this stuff up. All the other "adults" in class have restaurant experience. That would be very helpful, so next session I'm going to look for a part-time job. I hope I can get a part-time job with no prior experience to gain experience!!
Anyway - my photos. Tried a new pie crust and a new technique - best I've ever made and I'm pretty critical of my dishes. My pantry is the best part of my apartment - it's HUGE! My knife kit - from now on it's going to sit in front of the door so I'll have to trip over it before I forget it again. My hip is slowly healing, but this week I did a few minutes on the treadmill! What a great feeling - to be running again. I know I can't rush it, but just a few minutes running felt fantastic!

Sugar not melted yet, but BEST Apple Pie I've ever made!

My knife kit

First Week of New Semester...

WOW! This week was crazy! It's Sunday and I've allowed myself the entire day (except from 1:00-4:00 to watch the Steelers game!) to study for a big quiz tomorrow. I spent four hours yesterday - yes, on a Saturday, in an open lab, practicing my knife cuts. I'm still slicing on an angle and can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I'll probably be attending open labs A LOT! I'm exhausted and can't imagine how anyone could go to school and work AND take care of a family! I feel pretty confident overall. I'm pretty organized (as you can see by the photo) and you can see where my favorite place in the apartment is for just organizing and getting ready for the week ahead - in front of the TV! Besides school, I'm keeping up on lessons in my Divorce Care workbook, exercises in conjunction with my physical therapy,working with a trainer at the gym, working with a great investment consultant, and keeping up on the paperwork for the divorce. I finally looked over the Consent Judgement of Divorce paperwork last night. There it was - in black and white - the procedure to end 30 years of marriage. "...from which it satisfactorily appears to the Court that there has been a breakdown of the marriage relationship to the extent that the objects of matrimony have been destroyed and there remains no reasonable likelihood that the marriage can be preserved..."; and "...DOTH ORDER, that the marriage between said Plaintiff, Dan E. Alt, and the said Defendant, Edith A. Alt, be dissolved, and the same hereby is dissolved accordingly, and a divorce from the bonds of matrimony between said parties is hereby ORDERED." I know it's for the best - at this point in time - after many months of Hell. You know what I've finally figured out? One of us in this marriage has been thinking about this for quite a while...the other one was taken quite by surprise...and shame on her. You don't go from loving someone to wanting a divorce in a matter of a day. Shame on her for not even considering the possibility of  needing to have her own credit card and credit in her own name. Shame on her for not being more knowledgeable about where and how life savings were being invested. Shame on her for not giving herself a chance to realize what her worth was. Shame on her for going through most of her life thinking she wasn't smart enough to go to college. And, shame on her for thinking she was going to be taken care of for the rest of her life by the man she shared almost her entire life with. I guess that may sound cold and harsh, but over the last six months I've realized - just as my lawyer explained it to me - divorce comes down to money. There are feelings of sadness, hopelessness, disbelief, fear, hate, love, abandonment, embarrassment, humiliation, etc., etc., etc., but in the end it comes down to money. I was talking to a very nice women the other day who lived very close to where we lived in Harper Creek. She had most of her home destroyed a couple of months ago by a terrible storm that ripped through the area. After months, their new home will finally be started this week - a new foundation will be built. The pain of that terrible day is still in her memory, but it's finally time to rebuild. Their home will be better than it was before. They're going to make some improvements and upgrades to the way it was. It will be a better home in the long run. They are so grateful to God that they weren't killed. Time to start over and appreciate just what really is important in life. I feel like that. That, in a sense, is what I'm going through in my life right now.

A New Semester

Today is Day Three of my new semester and I feel like I've been run over by a truck! Monday and Tuesday mornings from 7 am to 12 pm I'm in the kitchen going NON-STOP. We get one break. I usually use the bathroom but I'd love to be able to curl up on a couch somewhere! The class is called Fundamentals of Classical Techniques. The school focuses on International cuisine and is based on much of Aguste Escoffier's philosophy. Lots of French terms to memorize, techniques to master, remembering where everything is located in the kitchen, working within a group, recipes to copy, chapters to read, quizzes to study for, notebook and journal to keep up on, etc., etc., etc., and this is just one class! On Monday I have that class from 7-12, have an hour for lunch/studying, (or I could catch a nap in the car! lol) and then a four hour English 101 class from 1-5 pm. Oh, by the way, I'm about a century older than EVERYONE else in that class of 32. It's so interesting to hear their opinions and views -  and they know EVERYTHING - or at least they thing they do! Experience is my friend, but I'd love to be that cocky and carefree again. After class, I go home and eat something, do some homework from my morning class for the next day, and then go to a new church I'm trying out to attend a class called  Divorce Care, which runs from 7-9. It is a good class and I'm appreciating hearing others going through similar experiences. Then I'll have to come home and finish up on homework. I know I just need to get into the swing of it. This is all so new to me. When I got home on Monday I read my e-mail and found a huge prelimanary Judgement of Divorce document, along with three others, that need to be reviewed. When I saw that, I broke down. After that long first day and being so tired, it was just too much. So, today I'll attend my first Nutrition class. I've given myself Thursday and Friday off from classes. I'm still attending physical therapy twice a week and working with a trainer at the gym to gain strength back in my legs. I'm also trying to build myself back up to where I was aerobically before my injury. So, I'm extremely busy. But, there are students who are working full-time or part-time and have families and managing to go to school so I have nothing to complain about. I do want to get a part-time job in the food industry, but not until next semester. Time to study! More later.

Made it Through My First Class!

Well, I made it through my first class! I ended up with a 98.29%, but a lot of it was due to the great chef I had for an instructor. I think he cut me a lot of slack! But, I feel good about what I've accomplished these past months. Not about the situation and becoming divorced, but what I've done despite it. These past few days have been hard on me. I guess maybe because I'm on break - down time - haven't had time to really think up until now. So, I've done quite a bit of crying. I cleaned the apartment today and that helped a little! LOL! I've been talking to a very good friend and that's been helping as well. When I thought about it today - I realized that it's been 6 months since Dan decided he wanted a divorce. I think it will be final in a few weeks from now. I thought it would be over in three months. I just want it over. I've got a lot to look forward to. I need to look ahead and I want to.
Tomorrow I'm going to attend a church here for the first time. I'm also starting Divorce Care on Monday at the same church. My good friend has been trying to convince me to start attending and I'm finally ready I think. I'm getting my notebooks ready for the next session of school. I'll be in the kitchen 10 hours a week and I'm very excited about that! Last week I had dinner with my good friends Linda and Dawn and was lucky enough to see two other good friends - Gloria and Sandy - at the same restaurant. That was such a boost for me. Before dinner, I went into Barnes and Noble and bought a few cookbooks - Creole and Mexican cuisine - to start challenging myself to step away from what I know.
I took the National Food Safety test last Tuesday and felt like I did very well. It will be a couple of weeks until I find out the results. I'm glad it's over!
So, this coming week I'm still on break, but it's a great week to look forward to. I have two physical therapy sessions; a session with the trainer at the gym; my very good friend Cathy is coming for a visit; and two other friends - Gina and Connie - are coming for a visit on Friday. I have a follow up doctor's appointment with the sports medicine doctor and I feel physical therapy is really helping. I can't wait to get back to working out and feeling that good feeling that working out gives me.

The Past Couple of Weeks...

I can't believe the past few weeks - how very difficult they've been. Today I'm preparing a group research paper, studying for a national food safety test, starting to study for the final in two weeks, and doing homework and studying for a quiz. I've been putting the apartment together a little at a time. It's starting to come together. I feel pretty confident driving around the area, although I still use my Garmin! I've been to the ortho. doctor here and am starting physical therapy. I went to my new gym yesterday - I've got lots of work to do!!!

How do I feel? Sad. Sad about how my husband - soon to be ex-husband feels about me. Upset about how mediation went. I'll be fine, but I know my husband is NOT happy about it at all. I wonder what my boys think of me? I look around at this apartment some days (today is the start of week 3) and I think it's a dream and I'm going to wake up next to Dan and realize this was just a dream.

Thank God for the fantastic friends I have. They've truly pulled me through - every one of them. I am here - in this situation - and I have to make the most of it. I pray that our research presentation on Monday goes very well and we get full points. I pray that the quiz I need to study for is easy. I pray that I remember all the answers on the final. I pray that I pass the National Food Safety Training test - even if I don't get a better grade than my brother Kevin who's thrown down the guantlet and challenged me to better his score. I don't care - I just want to pass. I pray that I get through this one class successfully so I have the confidence to go into the next session where I'm taking 4 classes. Right now, that's all I want. I know it's asking a lot.

I can feel Summer slipping away and Fall is just around the corner. This used to be my favorite time of the year. Not this year. But I hope in the future it can be again. I miss my old life, my friends, my kids (Jason and Brittany were about 15 minutes away) and my beautiful home - especially when I look at the grungy carpet in this apartment. And I especially miss being married and happy with Dan. I know I'll never, ever have that again - I know that. It's time to start looking ahead instead of behind me. I've got a fantastic opportunity in front of me. I KNOW how fortunate I am to be in the position to pursue my dream - to reinvent myself - to start over. I want the second part of my life to be just as happy as the first part was, because despite the last few years and the divorce, it was fantastically happy. I remember all the good times and try to forget the bad, but learn from them. I KNOW we were happy and maybe some day Dan will remember that, too. I still love Dan...maybe not in the way I used to, but I still love the man I've spent almost my entire life with, the man who gave me two beautiful, healthy, successful and happy boys. I pray that some day he remembers all of that, too,

Overwhelmed

OK,

I'm over halfway through this school session. I've been busy packing, studying, completing my TAPS on line training, making last minute plans for the move and trying to keep my sanity. This is unbelievably difficult to say the least. I had 11 friends help me pack up my stuff in one day - it was amazing and there was NO WAY I could have done that myself. I hate to ask anyone for anything, so that was extremely hard to admit I couldn't do it alone. I'm so glad I asked for help. Jason and Brittany have purchased a home, and they are moving just a few days after I do. I wish I could help them more.

So I've been thinking. This coming Wednesday - in three days - when I walk out of this house and drive to Northville to my apartment - my new home - I won't just be walking out of this house. I'll be walking out of the life I've known almost all of my life. I don't want it, I hate it, I'm angry, sad, nervous, apprehensive, and so very tired. But, I know it is for the best, it is happening, it is not a dream, and I've got to prepare myself for what comes next. We have mediation on August 31st, so I'll have to drive back to Kalamazoo for that. I just feel like I'm three steps behind on everything. I ould not be doing any of this without the help and support of my friends, family, and most importantly - my boys.

Whoo Hoo - The 1st Day of School!

Well,

Today was the first day of school! Wow! A bit overwhelmed. But how exciting. The beginning of my new future. I just hope I can do this. I'm just so nervous after not being in school for so long. I've got a lot of learning to do and a lot of time management skills to put into place. I know at the beginning it's going to be tough until I get a session under my belt, but I can do this!

My very good friend has a wedding coming up this weekend, and Jason - my son - is getting married the following weekend. Then I move to my new place in Northville on August 24th. I'm hoping the divorce isn't rough and I can travel back to Richland every once in a while until it's all settled. Then I can start to heal. You just don't have 30 years of memories and love and committment ripped out of your heart and have it heal in a few months. This is going to take a long time.

Here We Go!

Time - Too Much and Not Enough

Well, time is ticking away until the start of school. I have orientation on July 6th and my first day of school is July 11th! One class the first session - Intro. to Culinary Arts. It's a Monday morning 8-11 class, which means I'll have to leave the house by 5:00 am to be safe with traffic, etc. That's where I feel there is too much time until I start school. The not enough is not enough time in this house - my home - and - believe it or not - with Dan as my husband. I know it's the best thing - but - as much as I would like this divorce to be over - once it's over - it's OVER. And that's the hardest part - no more Dan and Edie. No more sharing this house - even though it is very difficult at times. No more being a wife - his wife. No more "us." I think I'm going to wait until after Jason and Brittany's wedding to start packing up what I want to take to Farmington Hills (where I believe I'll be living), what I want to store, and what I just will have to get rid of. 30+ years of memories - nothing I really want to get rid of, but have to. I hope the memories last, even though the trinket or photo that goes along with it is gone. I am excited about my new life - I really am. As time goes by, the "old" life is getting a bit easier to let go of. I've finally given up on the thought that we might reconcile. I've moved on - and I believe - that is huge. At least it is for me. So time - too much and too little - no matter which way you look at it, as long as I live, the time I spent as Mrs. Daniel Alt will have been the biggest part of my life, and most of it was very sweet.

Oh Boy!

I went to Novi the day before yesterday for a meeting with a Financial Advisor and to take a placement exam. I found out I probably will not be eligible for any financial aid, but I can apply for a federal loan. THEN I took the placement exam. I feel I did well on the English portion of the exam, thanks to Mr. Ficco, my 9th, 10th, and 11th grade English teacher. I loved Mr. Ficco and was so fortunate to have him as a teacher all three years. BUT, I never had any kind of real math in high school. General Math in 9th grade,  Business Math in 10th grade, and Bookkeeping I and II my junior and senior year. So, the first portion of the test covered Algebra. YIKES! I guessed. I know if I would have known the concepts of Algebra, I would have done fine. Then the 2nd portion was COLLEGE MATH! Forget it! I remember the boys and Dan talking about the stuff I saw on the test but...I just marked the 4th choice on each problem. I was humiliated. When Josh, the Assistant Director of Admissions came into the room, I just shrugged my shoulders and told him I never had exposure to those Math concepts before. So, hopefully, I'll still be admitted. So, note to self, I'm going to be running into that type of situation a lot and I have to remain positive, seek out tutors or study groups, and KNOW I can do it if I learn the concepts and study. A good friend who I trust and respect so much called me yesterday. I was relating the story to her. She also went back to school later in life and told me a story about her 1st math class in college. It gave me a whole different perspective and that story was just what I needed. This is going to be a challenge - no doubt about it. But, I'm determined to succeed. I know when I put my mind to something, I'm usually successful. Imagine if I do succeed at this and acquire a Bachelor's degree? Please God - walk with me during this journey and pick me up when I fall.

Only 41 Days to the Start of Culinary School!

Things are flying by right now, changing daily - just like my emotions. I just can't seem to get a handle on them. The past few days have been awful. I know Dan is fed up with me. Jason's birthday was Monday and we celebrated together with him and Brittany. It just felt like nothing was different - just like we've celebrated things together as a family 100's of times. I think that's what's so difficult. Dan and I living in the same house but not really married anymore - just roommates. I can't separate my feelings like that. I guess things will be easier once I move out - easier on me. I have a meeting at the school tomorrow and will hopefully find out if I've been accepted. I have a meeting at the apartment complex and I'm checking out a gym. I started Physical Therapy for my hip - I suffered a stress fracture in April from over training for the 1/2 marathon. I've not been able to do any workouts since then and that's really wearing on me. So I have 4 weeks of PT and if my hip still hurts, I'll have to have surgery. I don't want that.

Jason and Brittany's wedding is coming up next month! I'm so glad I have that to look forward to. I pray to God everyday to give me the strength to get through the day strong and confident - not weepy and whimpy! So, today is a new day and I can only try to do the best I can.

Where are these feelings coming from?

Today I woke up feeling very sad. It was Dan's birthday yesterday. We usually celebrate his and the boys' birthdays together. Don't think we're going to have a chance to do that this year. I was talking to a friend and I was told these emotions will pop up a lot in the next weeks, months, even years. I know it's not going to be emotion-free - I am going to have these days - but I just wish I had some warning - maybe some bells or a tornado siren. Get ready - those sad emotions are gonna touch down in 5 minutes!! I think it was just Dan's birthday that got me feeling blue. I suspect any major holiday or special day is going to feel this way for awhile.

I know I can get through them. I didn't think it would bother me, but it did. So, I'll just have to think ahead and have some positive thinking going on for the next special day so I'm prepared. Positive thinking! Why is it that you have the best intentions to  immediately shake off a sad mood or bad mood, using all the sad emotion-fighting tools in your emotional toolbox, but when it hits you by surprise, all that good knowledge and skills just go flying out the window. I'm working on it - I'm a work in progress.

My First Blog Entry

I decided to start a Blog to make it easier for me to keep up with friends and family while going to school. For those of you who don't know, Dan and I are divorcing after 30 years of marriage. It's a good thing, believe it or not. This way, we can both remain best friends, be in our boys' lives, and remain a family. Three weeks after Dan asked for the divorce, (which was only a month ago) after experiencing some or all of the emotions you go through when asked for a divorce, I got some clarity. I asked myself - "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?" It just came to me - just like that - I want to go to culinary school. Its always been a dream of mine. I could do this. So I did some research and found the Arts Institute in Novi, MI. I was initially thinking of obtaining a certificate in Baking and Patisserie. Then I thought I'd get an Associate's Degree, Then I thought, why not go for the Bachelor's Degree in Culinary Management? I've always wanted to open my own bakery, but it never went any further than that. I really love to cook, bake, and entertain, presenting  food in interesting and creative ways and making the table look extra special. So, my new dream is to get my degree, some real life experience, and then start my own catering business. Maybe even own and manage a Bed and Breakfast and run a catering business out of it. I've been talking to a friend about going into it together. So, I thought it would be fun and theraputic to post to a Blog every once and awhile for friends and family to keep up with what I'm going to be experiencing the next 3+ years! Going through a divorce; my son Jason's wedding; starting classes (one to start); moving into my own apartment; learning how to study, do research, and have confidence in myself; remain friends with my ex-husband, prove to him, my sons, and most importantly to myself that I CAN do this. I'm so very sad about the end of my marriage and losing the only life I've known for the past 30 years, but I'm excited about the future - whatever that may be!