I can't believe the past few weeks - how very difficult they've been. Today I'm preparing a group research paper, studying for a national food safety test, starting to study for the final in two weeks, and doing homework and studying for a quiz. I've been putting the apartment together a little at a time. It's starting to come together. I feel pretty confident driving around the area, although I still use my Garmin! I've been to the ortho. doctor here and am starting physical therapy. I went to my new gym yesterday - I've got lots of work to do!!!
How do I feel? Sad. Sad about how my husband - soon to be ex-husband feels about me. Upset about how mediation went. I'll be fine, but I know my husband is NOT happy about it at all. I wonder what my boys think of me? I look around at this apartment some days (today is the start of week 3) and I think it's a dream and I'm going to wake up next to Dan and realize this was just a dream.
Thank God for the fantastic friends I have. They've truly pulled me through - every one of them. I am here - in this situation - and I have to make the most of it. I pray that our research presentation on Monday goes very well and we get full points. I pray that the quiz I need to study for is easy. I pray that I remember all the answers on the final. I pray that I pass the National Food Safety Training test - even if I don't get a better grade than my brother Kevin who's thrown down the guantlet and challenged me to better his score. I don't care - I just want to pass. I pray that I get through this one class successfully so I have the confidence to go into the next session where I'm taking 4 classes. Right now, that's all I want. I know it's asking a lot.
I can feel Summer slipping away and Fall is just around the corner. This used to be my favorite time of the year. Not this year. But I hope in the future it can be again. I miss my old life, my friends, my kids (Jason and Brittany were about 15 minutes away) and my beautiful home - especially when I look at the grungy carpet in this apartment. And I especially miss being married and happy with Dan. I know I'll never, ever have that again - I know that. It's time to start looking ahead instead of behind me. I've got a fantastic opportunity in front of me. I KNOW how fortunate I am to be in the position to pursue my dream - to reinvent myself - to start over. I want the second part of my life to be just as happy as the first part was, because despite the last few years and the divorce, it was fantastically happy. I remember all the good times and try to forget the bad, but learn from them. I KNOW we were happy and maybe some day Dan will remember that, too. I still love Dan...maybe not in the way I used to, but I still love the man I've spent almost my entire life with, the man who gave me two beautiful, healthy, successful and happy boys. I pray that some day he remembers all of that, too,
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