OK, anyone who read my blog in the last month is probably surprised that I deleted the last two posts. Let me explain...I guess I wanted to pretend it never happened.
After swearing off dating online - I did it again! Jeez! Anyway, I met this really nice guy, my age, and we started communicating. I met three or four others, but this one stuck. We went out a few times and really, really hit it off. I fell HARD! He was living apart from his ex of 33 years for a year, but was only officially divorced since this past July. We started seeing each other in October. I thought it was perfect. We had so much in common, we just melted together. I really, really thought this was it...
Then, well then it wasn't. He asked me last week if we could slow things down - just be friends. What? How can you go from loving someone to then becoming just friends? I said I couldn't do it - it would be too hard. He then admitted that perhaps he wasn't ready for this kind of a relationship. I think with the holidays, and his telling his ex about me and her saying she didn't want to see him again, and his not telling his kids about me because she asked him not to...the signs were there. I asked him if he thought he was really ready for this kind of relationship and he got mad at me and said I hurt him. I think he didn't want to admit it quite then, but then, he did. So, of course, this happens the week after I introduce him to Jason and Brittany. I just feel so foolish - how could I fall that hard...I guess because I did!
I feel gutted. How can I keep going through this? Is it because I don't want to be alone and I'll put up with crap just so I'm not? I know the couple guys I was seeing over the spring and summer were not good for me - I knew it and I know it. I just didn't want to be alone.
So, there was a guy from the summer. We saw each other a few times. I had surgery and said I'd be out of commission for six weeks. He contacted me several times after that, but I just wasn't sure about it. He was sorta persistent. Well, a few days before the other guy and I talked and he said he wanted to just be friends and I said no was the day guy 2 texted me and asked how I was. I told him I was seeing someone, but not sure how it was going to end up. I told him if things fell apart, maybe I'd call him. I didn't know what I was doing. So, I texted him and told him that I was no longer seeing the other guy. He said, when can I see you. I said Friday. Am I crazy or what? We've seen each other a few times since then and we're seeing each other this week. He is super nice. I'm in limbo I guess.
Well, there it is...UUUGGGHHH!
School is awesome - I have a 3.9999999 - rounded up to a cumulative 4.0 GPA. I'm so proud of myself. I never would have said anything like that when I was married.
Work at the restaurant is going OK - I just wish I could be what I think I could be. I know these people have been doing this for years and I just really started in the kitchen in September/October, but I guess I've always expected too much from myself. I know that had a lot to do with my divorce...
I've been thinking about Dan quite a bit lately. There are times when days and days will go by with just a casual thought, but then there are times when I so wish I could turn back the clock and do things all over again the right way. I know that and I'd probably do anything to have that happen, but would it really make any difference? Would that have prevented him from wandering - from pulling away from me? Would that have prevented him from falling in love with someone I considered a friend? Was it fate?
I want to decorate for Christmas and I don't. Like I said, I think I'm in limbo right now. I think I'm probably heading for another disappointment. Terrible to think that way, when this guy could be the guy. I'm not saying a word to the boys about it - maybe in a year or so...LOL!
