I can't believe it's been August since I've posted - I can't believe it! I must have lost one along the way!
Well, I read the post from August. I was seeing two guys - both not very suitable in their own ways. Enough of that.
School has been challenging, but then it's always challenging!!
I'm leaving for Italy in 10 days!!!! I'm going to do a study abroad, then travel for 17 days. I'm so overwhelmed with school and work - at the country club - my externship, but this is the last week for that. Did I talk about that at all? Man, I can't go this many months without posting!!!!! LOL!
I'll really have a lot to catch up on once I get back. I'm doing an all-nighter right now, trying to get SIX papers written for my online class. I'm trying to get it all done before I go away, but I don't know. I'll still have to post and read, but at least I won't be doing research and writing papers.
I'm in a Chocolates and Confections class this semester and it is HARD! If I get an A, it will be a miracle. He's a hard grader, and the class is very hard. Did I say it's a hard class? It is!
My externship at the country club was supposed to be a management externship, but I've pretty much been a grunt. Three more days and that is done!
Oh, well, better get back to writing these papers.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Here's How I'm Feeling Today...
School is hard...I'm so over homework and memorizing and reading and studying and writing papers and reviewing posts...everything is so hard this semester
Being alone is hard...I am pretty miserable when it comes to being alone. No one to share with, talk with, cuddle with, travel with, and no one to count on.
Dating is hard...Going through the whole meet and greet, talking, telling the whole life story, being nervous, thinking is this how I should act? How should I answer that question about wanting to get married again, how long is he going to string me - and other women - along until he settles on one, or none of us. How long before the question comes up about sleeping together, and if not, he's gone.
Trying to nail down this job is hard I've done proposal after proposal, but she's too busy doing what I would do if she'd hire me!
Not having any friends over here, save my friend from Battle Creek with whom I've just reconnected. No one to share with, go out for a spontaneous drink. I guess it's just the feeling of loneliness.
Knowing I graduate in seven months and I want to be out of this apartment. Do I start looking for a house or condo? Will there be someone in my life at that time and it won't make sense to do something like that on my own? Do I look for a job anywhere in the United States, find it, then someone who lives here comes into my life? I know I have no control over that. I've decided to just pursue all opportunities and leave the rest to God.
I'm seeing this guy now - a great guy - and we'll be going on our third date. Will it go anywhere, or will it end - like so many have - because he only wants one thing? I just can't not think about it - my mind won't let me. I don't want to be let down again. I've ended my Match.com subscription and I'm NEVER renewing it - it is just to hard on me.
I wonder, when Dan told me to have a sad life, is this what I have to look forward to? One day I'm fine, the next day...I need to know the future, but I will have to wait. I need to know I'm going to be alright, but I have to wait. Will I end up with someone, because I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. The sooner I know the outcome of this relationship, if it's going to end, the better. I just don't have any confidence anymore. I have a great time when I'm with him, the best date I think I've ever had.
I need peace, I need my mind to be still, I need to take one day at a time. Pretty hard for a planner...
Being alone is hard...I am pretty miserable when it comes to being alone. No one to share with, talk with, cuddle with, travel with, and no one to count on.
Dating is hard...Going through the whole meet and greet, talking, telling the whole life story, being nervous, thinking is this how I should act? How should I answer that question about wanting to get married again, how long is he going to string me - and other women - along until he settles on one, or none of us. How long before the question comes up about sleeping together, and if not, he's gone.
Trying to nail down this job is hard I've done proposal after proposal, but she's too busy doing what I would do if she'd hire me!
Not having any friends over here, save my friend from Battle Creek with whom I've just reconnected. No one to share with, go out for a spontaneous drink. I guess it's just the feeling of loneliness.
Knowing I graduate in seven months and I want to be out of this apartment. Do I start looking for a house or condo? Will there be someone in my life at that time and it won't make sense to do something like that on my own? Do I look for a job anywhere in the United States, find it, then someone who lives here comes into my life? I know I have no control over that. I've decided to just pursue all opportunities and leave the rest to God.
I'm seeing this guy now - a great guy - and we'll be going on our third date. Will it go anywhere, or will it end - like so many have - because he only wants one thing? I just can't not think about it - my mind won't let me. I don't want to be let down again. I've ended my Match.com subscription and I'm NEVER renewing it - it is just to hard on me.
I wonder, when Dan told me to have a sad life, is this what I have to look forward to? One day I'm fine, the next day...I need to know the future, but I will have to wait. I need to know I'm going to be alright, but I have to wait. Will I end up with someone, because I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. The sooner I know the outcome of this relationship, if it's going to end, the better. I just don't have any confidence anymore. I have a great time when I'm with him, the best date I think I've ever had.
I need peace, I need my mind to be still, I need to take one day at a time. Pretty hard for a planner...
Sunday, August 24, 2014
That's Just the Way it Is..
After being broken up with Keith for almost two months, it's still very tough. We've talked a few times lately about something of mine that is not working, and it's even harder not to think of him. I still love him, and probably always will, but some of his decisions are not good ones, and I have to understand that. To be with him, I'd have to put up with things I don't agree with, and it's not good for me, I know.
I started (I know, I know, I said I wouldn't) back on Match.com, but I only joined for a month. A friend of mine - a guy - recently said, "Stop the madness! Why do you do that to yourself? I see what it's doing to you, just stop." I went on four dates. Again, I could write a book...
First guy, 63, said he didn't feel a connection. This was after we talked on the phone for about two weeks and he was so excited to meet me, in fact, the day before we were to go out he said he wished it were today because he was so excited to meet me. Once I got to the restaurant, I could see it in his face. The date lasted about an hour. He did not ask me for another, and told me in a text that he didn't feel a connection, but it had nothing to do with me! Now how can that be?!! LOL! Oh, well. He was too old for me anyway.
The next guy told me up front he was deathly allergic to cats. We decided to meet anyway and see where it went. Not only was he allergic to cats, he doesn't like chocolate (deal breaker right there!), fruit, certain vegetables, and other things. As a cat lover and owner, and a chef, I didn't see it ending well. So, I ended that. He was so sweet and told me good luck in school.
The next guy - OMG - let's just say we had a difference of opinion - on women! He belongs to a nationality who views women in a very different light than I do. OMG, he was very opinionated, AND he was rude to the wait staff - my industry peeps!!! LOL! Close to the end of the date,the waitress came by while he was in the bathroom and asked if I needed anything. I said, yes, get me out of here! LOL! She said, oh I'm so sorry, that guy is a jerk! I said yes, first date from Match.com. She asked if they were all that bad. I said NO! She said, don't worry, no dessert! She took my plate. He came back and said, what's going on? I said, oh, I was done so she took it out of my way. Right before he went to the bathroom, she came over and asked if we needed anything, he said no, I'm not done, and get out of here! Before that, he called the server over who brought our drinks and he THREW the lemon slice from his drink onto her tray, as well as the straw, and said that is was not a lemon slice, bring me something I can squeeze! So, back to when he came back to the table. He asked me if I wanted dessert, and I said no. The server was smooth and walked by our table and dropped off the check! He said, well, I guess we're done. I said, yeah, I have a big test tomorrow! When we were texting the next day I told him I didn't think there was a connection (just like what happened to ME with the first guy) and he said, "No joke, you couldn't wait to get out of that restaurant, good luck!) I really should have told him why, but he wouldn't have cared.
Now, another guy, who I went on a date with before rude guy, was just perfect on paper! Everything I'm looking for. We are going out later this coming week - he had to do some traveling for his job and his son is going back to college. We'll see...
I've been busy with school and school activities. Not only do I have four classes this semester, I'm busy as a Student Ambassador with fund raising and activities. As a student mentor, I have 70 students I mentor, which takes about three hours a week in phone calls. I'm a member of our garden club and we meet in the garden once a week to weed, harvest, and chat. I suggested we do some canning and the response to it was so good from other students and faculty that we are hosting a canning workshop, so I'm doing the PR and I'll participate in that. I'm also writing several articles for the Student Ambassador newsletter, especially about a volunteer event in which I recently participated in Detroit - Life Remodeled. Thousands of volunteers helped to remodel and beautify three schools and their neighborhoods a few weeks ago. It was an amazing experience! I worked with some awesome folks remodeling a computer lab at Cody High School. This particular high school is like a vo-tech, with culinary, medicine, robotics, etc., and their school is a mess. We did some much, but not enough. The school has a graduation rate of only 32%. So, after we finished, a local church will adopt the students as mentors and be there on a regular basis for each student to encourage them to stay in school and strive to attend college. I so want to be a part of the revitalization of Detroit in some way, shape, or form. Maybe as just a volunteer, but as a career would be awesome. There is going to be a documentary about that volunteer week made, and will be shown in limited cities, I think. I'm the one in the middle in this photo! Staff, and students from our school, and the lady in red was the coordinator for the computer lab.
I'm also heading up a volunteer opportunity for our students at Gilda's Place in Detroit. Gilda Radner, if you know her, is who the organization is named after. Look it up - amazing story. Anyway, we are trying to do something that will involve our students where they'll SHOW UP! For the Life Remodeled event, we had 40 students sign up - and only three - myself included - showed up. Sad.
The last thing - I started a new job last night, at least I think I'll take it. It's for a small catering company that is expanding. I want to organize her business and get everything into a catering program - cost out recipes, scale the recipes, inventory, receivables... so they'll know if they are charging the right amount for their menus, to let them know how their receivables are, and just start some history to work with. Last night I helped serve at a wedding at a couple's home. That was difficult. I've not done that for awhile - rushing, no break, lifting heavy trays, BUT, I was a chef! For the first time, I felt like a chef and I was referred to as a chef! I prepped three of the five appetizers, then I ran the Vegetarian Wok station (it was a strolling dinner where the guests went from station to station - a hot dog and fries station, my vegetarian wok station, a grill station, a hummas station, and a salad station! It was so much fun cooking in front of the guests and answering their questions - and having the answers! LOL
Then, in between I helped clear dishes and glasses. I then set up and manned the dessert/fruit/cheese station. I scooped ice cream and kept dishes and silverware stocked, as well as interacted with the guests. Again, in between, I was clearing and carrying heavy trays stacked with dishes and glasses. It's all in the knees, stooping and getting under the tray onto your shoulder, then standing back up! It's been awhile since I did that! But, I really enjoyed it - and felt confident about doing it.
I also have an opportunity to extern with Detroit's Urban Farms next semester. We have a wonderful Farmer's Market in Detroit, and there are several restaurants who are purchasing fresh produce from local farmers and featuring them in their dishes. It's about bringing fresh produce to the parts of Detroit that don't have ready access to it. I don't know if I can do the externship and work the catering job AND keep up with school next semester, as well as all I'm doing with the Garden Club and Student Ambassadors, but I want to try. Plus, who knows, I might have someone in my life as well...who knows. I feel every day is a new experience, a new bump in the road, a new crossroad. In five weeks, I'll be able to say I'm in my next to last semester! I'm so excited about that.
What will happen in the next five weeks - with the guy, the job, school...we'll see!
I started (I know, I know, I said I wouldn't) back on Match.com, but I only joined for a month. A friend of mine - a guy - recently said, "Stop the madness! Why do you do that to yourself? I see what it's doing to you, just stop." I went on four dates. Again, I could write a book...
First guy, 63, said he didn't feel a connection. This was after we talked on the phone for about two weeks and he was so excited to meet me, in fact, the day before we were to go out he said he wished it were today because he was so excited to meet me. Once I got to the restaurant, I could see it in his face. The date lasted about an hour. He did not ask me for another, and told me in a text that he didn't feel a connection, but it had nothing to do with me! Now how can that be?!! LOL! Oh, well. He was too old for me anyway.
The next guy told me up front he was deathly allergic to cats. We decided to meet anyway and see where it went. Not only was he allergic to cats, he doesn't like chocolate (deal breaker right there!), fruit, certain vegetables, and other things. As a cat lover and owner, and a chef, I didn't see it ending well. So, I ended that. He was so sweet and told me good luck in school.
The next guy - OMG - let's just say we had a difference of opinion - on women! He belongs to a nationality who views women in a very different light than I do. OMG, he was very opinionated, AND he was rude to the wait staff - my industry peeps!!! LOL! Close to the end of the date,the waitress came by while he was in the bathroom and asked if I needed anything. I said, yes, get me out of here! LOL! She said, oh I'm so sorry, that guy is a jerk! I said yes, first date from Match.com. She asked if they were all that bad. I said NO! She said, don't worry, no dessert! She took my plate. He came back and said, what's going on? I said, oh, I was done so she took it out of my way. Right before he went to the bathroom, she came over and asked if we needed anything, he said no, I'm not done, and get out of here! Before that, he called the server over who brought our drinks and he THREW the lemon slice from his drink onto her tray, as well as the straw, and said that is was not a lemon slice, bring me something I can squeeze! So, back to when he came back to the table. He asked me if I wanted dessert, and I said no. The server was smooth and walked by our table and dropped off the check! He said, well, I guess we're done. I said, yeah, I have a big test tomorrow! When we were texting the next day I told him I didn't think there was a connection (just like what happened to ME with the first guy) and he said, "No joke, you couldn't wait to get out of that restaurant, good luck!) I really should have told him why, but he wouldn't have cared.
Now, another guy, who I went on a date with before rude guy, was just perfect on paper! Everything I'm looking for. We are going out later this coming week - he had to do some traveling for his job and his son is going back to college. We'll see...
I've been busy with school and school activities. Not only do I have four classes this semester, I'm busy as a Student Ambassador with fund raising and activities. As a student mentor, I have 70 students I mentor, which takes about three hours a week in phone calls. I'm a member of our garden club and we meet in the garden once a week to weed, harvest, and chat. I suggested we do some canning and the response to it was so good from other students and faculty that we are hosting a canning workshop, so I'm doing the PR and I'll participate in that. I'm also writing several articles for the Student Ambassador newsletter, especially about a volunteer event in which I recently participated in Detroit - Life Remodeled. Thousands of volunteers helped to remodel and beautify three schools and their neighborhoods a few weeks ago. It was an amazing experience! I worked with some awesome folks remodeling a computer lab at Cody High School. This particular high school is like a vo-tech, with culinary, medicine, robotics, etc., and their school is a mess. We did some much, but not enough. The school has a graduation rate of only 32%. So, after we finished, a local church will adopt the students as mentors and be there on a regular basis for each student to encourage them to stay in school and strive to attend college. I so want to be a part of the revitalization of Detroit in some way, shape, or form. Maybe as just a volunteer, but as a career would be awesome. There is going to be a documentary about that volunteer week made, and will be shown in limited cities, I think. I'm the one in the middle in this photo! Staff, and students from our school, and the lady in red was the coordinator for the computer lab.
I'm also heading up a volunteer opportunity for our students at Gilda's Place in Detroit. Gilda Radner, if you know her, is who the organization is named after. Look it up - amazing story. Anyway, we are trying to do something that will involve our students where they'll SHOW UP! For the Life Remodeled event, we had 40 students sign up - and only three - myself included - showed up. Sad.
The last thing - I started a new job last night, at least I think I'll take it. It's for a small catering company that is expanding. I want to organize her business and get everything into a catering program - cost out recipes, scale the recipes, inventory, receivables... so they'll know if they are charging the right amount for their menus, to let them know how their receivables are, and just start some history to work with. Last night I helped serve at a wedding at a couple's home. That was difficult. I've not done that for awhile - rushing, no break, lifting heavy trays, BUT, I was a chef! For the first time, I felt like a chef and I was referred to as a chef! I prepped three of the five appetizers, then I ran the Vegetarian Wok station (it was a strolling dinner where the guests went from station to station - a hot dog and fries station, my vegetarian wok station, a grill station, a hummas station, and a salad station! It was so much fun cooking in front of the guests and answering their questions - and having the answers! LOL
Then, in between I helped clear dishes and glasses. I then set up and manned the dessert/fruit/cheese station. I scooped ice cream and kept dishes and silverware stocked, as well as interacted with the guests. Again, in between, I was clearing and carrying heavy trays stacked with dishes and glasses. It's all in the knees, stooping and getting under the tray onto your shoulder, then standing back up! It's been awhile since I did that! But, I really enjoyed it - and felt confident about doing it.
I also have an opportunity to extern with Detroit's Urban Farms next semester. We have a wonderful Farmer's Market in Detroit, and there are several restaurants who are purchasing fresh produce from local farmers and featuring them in their dishes. It's about bringing fresh produce to the parts of Detroit that don't have ready access to it. I don't know if I can do the externship and work the catering job AND keep up with school next semester, as well as all I'm doing with the Garden Club and Student Ambassadors, but I want to try. Plus, who knows, I might have someone in my life as well...who knows. I feel every day is a new experience, a new bump in the road, a new crossroad. In five weeks, I'll be able to say I'm in my next to last semester! I'm so excited about that.
What will happen in the next five weeks - with the guy, the job, school...we'll see!
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Here We Go Again!
Well, I'm ready to start my 3rd year of school! Three more semesters! I just read through some of my earlier posts. It's been an up and down journey, that's for sure! I'm really nervous for my Asian class - that chef is tough! I can only try my best. I should hear about a job tomorrow...I've decided I really need the money; any not only that, the interaction with people. I was just way to depressed over the break not getting together with anyone and being cooped up in the apartment. I'm still not over the break-up with Keith, but it's getting better. I KNOW I made the right decision, but it still sucks!
So, on to one of my last semesters. This one is the toughest yet, the next two will be a lot better!
So, on to one of my last semesters. This one is the toughest yet, the next two will be a lot better!
Saturday, July 5, 2014
July 4th
I just read my post from last July 4th...I was alone then, too, and was sick of Internet dating. I thought I'd be over the thing with Keith by now - it's just so hard. I've been so depressed. I WAS supposed to be on my bike, studying Spanish...I'm just tired of being alone. I hate it! But, I'm glad I didn't put up with things just to be with someone. I thought back today...back of other 4ths - remembering how my Mom would cook and make the basket out of a watermelon and put fruit in it. I remembered times we spent at the cottage at Deep Creek - how many times! Then I remembered all the 4ths we had - the four of us - especially the last years at the house in Richland. The last one with Desa. I wish...I wish I could change things, I wish they could be the way they were, only better - better for Dan and I. I think I would do almost anything to go back to that time. You would think that I wouldn't be thinking of that...but the further I get away from my past, the more I want it. I think I was meant to be with someone, and not to be alone.
I only have three semesters left...and I have no idea where I'm headed. I know that something is waiting out there for me - and I know I have to work...I know there are many doors open to me, but...I keep thinking, and asking God to help me through this.
I think about how far I've come...nearly three years ago - July 11th, 2011 - when I started school. How much has happened, how many tears, tests, studying all night, long hours at work then up early the next morning, dates, BAD dates!, textbooks, quizzes, finals, cuts, burns, 180 credits to complete, with 34 to go, losing everything, starting all over, packing and moving,the hope and promise of love, then dashed...the loneliness, the holidays spent alone...but there has been so much happiness as well - mostly thanks to my boys.
I thought of Dan's Mom last night for some reason, so I made her macaroni salad - with tomatoes - which I love and have not made for years. So many wonderful memories - I've had an awesome life - I have to concentrate on the positive and look towards the future.
I only have three semesters left...and I have no idea where I'm headed. I know that something is waiting out there for me - and I know I have to work...I know there are many doors open to me, but...I keep thinking, and asking God to help me through this.
I think about how far I've come...nearly three years ago - July 11th, 2011 - when I started school. How much has happened, how many tears, tests, studying all night, long hours at work then up early the next morning, dates, BAD dates!, textbooks, quizzes, finals, cuts, burns, 180 credits to complete, with 34 to go, losing everything, starting all over, packing and moving,the hope and promise of love, then dashed...the loneliness, the holidays spent alone...but there has been so much happiness as well - mostly thanks to my boys.
I thought of Dan's Mom last night for some reason, so I made her macaroni salad - with tomatoes - which I love and have not made for years. So many wonderful memories - I've had an awesome life - I have to concentrate on the positive and look towards the future.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Alone AGAIN!
Well, it's the end of another semester. I got all A's, which I'm very happy about because one of the classes was Chemistry. I can't believe that next quarter - in July - is the quarter when I started three years ago. I have three more semesters, then I'm done with school.
Next semester is going to be the hardest I've ever taken...keep tuned!! I'll let you know how it goes!!
Yep, I broke it off with Keith. There were things...things I was putting up with because no one is perfect, and we seemed to get along so well. But, a major sticking point with me - and it seemed to be increasing - was his drinking. Long story short, he said he had listened to his ex gripe about his drinking for 33 years and he wasn't going to listen to it from me. So, I did the adult thing and ended it. I don't like being alone, and I guess I was willing to put up with stuff...
So, I quit my job so I'd have more time for homework, working out, and Keith. I've decided not to jump back on the merry-go-round and continue to not work, watch my spending, and enjoy the last few semesters of school. I'm golfing (huh! if that's what I call it!) and cycling. I decided to quit my gym membership to save some money. I want to be running by fall and winter, so that's what I'll do then. It's just so hard to start...I had my last final Thursday night. I slept in Friday, watched all of season one of House of Cards, broke it off with Keith, didn't go to bed until 3 am, and got up today at 2. I think I've been depressed about this long enough. I took a shower, and I'm heading to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to get some cheap organizing things for my ever-increasing pantry. It has those wire shelves that nothing stands on and everything falls over. I'm also in a getting rid of stuff stage, so that's good.
This next three weeks I'm going to review Spanish I since I'm taking Spanish II next, riding my bike, and golfing. I've gotta get out of this funk.
I remember, the last text I got from Dan after the settlement was "Have a sad life, you cunt." I wonder if this is it---will I ever find "the guy" for me? One thing, now, I'm not tied to this area after graduation. I just hope I can find a job that will make me happy and sustain me.
But, you know, that's really nothing in the big scheme of things. Jason's father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, and it's not good at all. His in-law's lives changed in the blink of an eye - forever changed. No chance of growing old together, enjoying their grandchildren, retirement on their boat - changed forever. We don't know why God does what he does, but he always has a reason. My crap - just a blip really. Just a blip.
Next semester is going to be the hardest I've ever taken...keep tuned!! I'll let you know how it goes!!
Yep, I broke it off with Keith. There were things...things I was putting up with because no one is perfect, and we seemed to get along so well. But, a major sticking point with me - and it seemed to be increasing - was his drinking. Long story short, he said he had listened to his ex gripe about his drinking for 33 years and he wasn't going to listen to it from me. So, I did the adult thing and ended it. I don't like being alone, and I guess I was willing to put up with stuff...
So, I quit my job so I'd have more time for homework, working out, and Keith. I've decided not to jump back on the merry-go-round and continue to not work, watch my spending, and enjoy the last few semesters of school. I'm golfing (huh! if that's what I call it!) and cycling. I decided to quit my gym membership to save some money. I want to be running by fall and winter, so that's what I'll do then. It's just so hard to start...I had my last final Thursday night. I slept in Friday, watched all of season one of House of Cards, broke it off with Keith, didn't go to bed until 3 am, and got up today at 2. I think I've been depressed about this long enough. I took a shower, and I'm heading to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to get some cheap organizing things for my ever-increasing pantry. It has those wire shelves that nothing stands on and everything falls over. I'm also in a getting rid of stuff stage, so that's good.
This next three weeks I'm going to review Spanish I since I'm taking Spanish II next, riding my bike, and golfing. I've gotta get out of this funk.
I remember, the last text I got from Dan after the settlement was "Have a sad life, you cunt." I wonder if this is it---will I ever find "the guy" for me? One thing, now, I'm not tied to this area after graduation. I just hope I can find a job that will make me happy and sustain me.
But, you know, that's really nothing in the big scheme of things. Jason's father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, and it's not good at all. His in-law's lives changed in the blink of an eye - forever changed. No chance of growing old together, enjoying their grandchildren, retirement on their boat - changed forever. We don't know why God does what he does, but he always has a reason. My crap - just a blip really. Just a blip.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Where I'm at...
Yesterday was May 6th. Three years ago I started talking to Ramzi and now we're both with different people - and that's a good thing. It was rebound for both of us, and neither one of us was ready for that relationship. It's hard to believe it's been three years.
On May 16th - next week - it would have been my 33rd wedding anniversary. Dan's birthday is May 22nd, and Jason's birthday is May 30th. I want to get to the point where May is just about Jason's birthday...and nothing more.
I am over Dan - I think - but some days...the tears still flow. However, it's not as often as it was, and it doesn't hurt as much as it did. He'll be celebrating his 2nd wedding anniversary in September. Yep, I really don't care like I did. Life goes on - and I am happy for it.
Last Saturday was my last day of work at Toasted Oak - maybe just for now. I just could not keep up. I'm so disappointed with myself with the grade I got in Statistics last semester. It ruined my 4.0, so now, hopefully, I'll still maintain a 3.9. I know it sounds like no big deal, but to me, it was. I was so proud of it.
I loved working at Toasted Oak because of the people. My timing was getting better, and my confidence was growing, and my speed was much better. I really felt like I was getting into the groove. My boss didn't want me to leave. I wasn't working there for the money - it was the fact that my insurance was only costing me $60 a month. But, to maintain the full-time status, I needed to work at least 32 hours a week. So, I was working 8-10 hours on Wednesday and 12 hours on Friday and Saturday! It was killing me! I was always tired and really had no life outside of school, homework, and work. I also took 16 credit hours last semester. So, now is the time to concentrate on school, my body, and Keith.
I signed up for health insurance - $300 a month, but I get a $67 a month break from the government. Keith and I are looking for a place to move in together. That way, we are not only getting to see each other more, we'll save some money! Well, renting is a lot more expensive then buying, and that's the struggle. Lots to think about.
I got some new golf clubs and am taking some refresher lessons starting next week. I'm trying to get all of my homework and studying out of the way so Keith and I can enjoy our weekends. Once I start back to work, I'll work every weekend again, so we want to enjoy it now while we can. I also want to start getting out on my bike, and maybe start running again. There is so much I want to do that I think those 32 hours a week I was working are going to get filled up pretty quickly!
For my Psychology class, we were asked to pick an interesting person and use them for a case study each week. I chose Julia Child - because we both started this culinary career later in life. I'm finding the assignments so interesting!
I'm really in a good place right now - school - being able to devote more time to homework and my Student Ambassador and Student Mentor work; golf, running, cycling - I will have more time; and Keith - the entire weekend. We are planning our future together, and that makes me extremely happy.
On May 16th - next week - it would have been my 33rd wedding anniversary. Dan's birthday is May 22nd, and Jason's birthday is May 30th. I want to get to the point where May is just about Jason's birthday...and nothing more.
I am over Dan - I think - but some days...the tears still flow. However, it's not as often as it was, and it doesn't hurt as much as it did. He'll be celebrating his 2nd wedding anniversary in September. Yep, I really don't care like I did. Life goes on - and I am happy for it.
Last Saturday was my last day of work at Toasted Oak - maybe just for now. I just could not keep up. I'm so disappointed with myself with the grade I got in Statistics last semester. It ruined my 4.0, so now, hopefully, I'll still maintain a 3.9. I know it sounds like no big deal, but to me, it was. I was so proud of it.
I loved working at Toasted Oak because of the people. My timing was getting better, and my confidence was growing, and my speed was much better. I really felt like I was getting into the groove. My boss didn't want me to leave. I wasn't working there for the money - it was the fact that my insurance was only costing me $60 a month. But, to maintain the full-time status, I needed to work at least 32 hours a week. So, I was working 8-10 hours on Wednesday and 12 hours on Friday and Saturday! It was killing me! I was always tired and really had no life outside of school, homework, and work. I also took 16 credit hours last semester. So, now is the time to concentrate on school, my body, and Keith.
I signed up for health insurance - $300 a month, but I get a $67 a month break from the government. Keith and I are looking for a place to move in together. That way, we are not only getting to see each other more, we'll save some money! Well, renting is a lot more expensive then buying, and that's the struggle. Lots to think about.
I got some new golf clubs and am taking some refresher lessons starting next week. I'm trying to get all of my homework and studying out of the way so Keith and I can enjoy our weekends. Once I start back to work, I'll work every weekend again, so we want to enjoy it now while we can. I also want to start getting out on my bike, and maybe start running again. There is so much I want to do that I think those 32 hours a week I was working are going to get filled up pretty quickly!
For my Psychology class, we were asked to pick an interesting person and use them for a case study each week. I chose Julia Child - because we both started this culinary career later in life. I'm finding the assignments so interesting!
I'm really in a good place right now - school - being able to devote more time to homework and my Student Ambassador and Student Mentor work; golf, running, cycling - I will have more time; and Keith - the entire weekend. We are planning our future together, and that makes me extremely happy.
May 14th
Can't believe it's been 40 years since Dan asked me to go steady with him. I miss Dan and the life we had - the good times - every day.
Well, it's been going on two weeks away from work and I'm just starting to feel like my old self. My eyes are looking better and not so swollen from too much or not enough sleep! I spent the money to have them done last July and I'm finally seeing the results! LOL!
School is going really well - I got all A's at midterm and I expect to get all A's at the end of this semester. I'm so bummed about the B+ in Stats last semester. I really wanted to graduate with a 4.0. I have four classes next semester, then four the following, then two the last semester, so I'm hoping I can finish out with A's.
Keith and I are desperately looking for some place to live. I really can't take living in this apartment much longer. I moved in August 2011 and enough is enough of apartment life. We are not going to buy, but instead try to rent until he retires. We want to buy something in Arizona, so we may do that before he retires because the house prices are creeping up. Things are going really, really well with us. I'm so hoping they work out. I think if we live together first it will be good to see just how well we do before we get married! But, I think it's all good. We do need a bigger kitchen, that's for sure. When we're cooking, it's the two of us, his dog Cocoa, who is a Chocolate Lab mix, and my Gideon, and there's just not enough room!
Well, finishing up some homework today (I always have homework - I've had homework almost every day for the last three years and I'm so sick of homework!), then I'm going to the driving range to hit some balls before my first group lesson tomorrow, then I'm going to make pizza meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner. Keith and Cocoa are coming over. I can't wait until he doesn't have to come over, and he doesn't have to leave!
Well, it's been going on two weeks away from work and I'm just starting to feel like my old self. My eyes are looking better and not so swollen from too much or not enough sleep! I spent the money to have them done last July and I'm finally seeing the results! LOL!
School is going really well - I got all A's at midterm and I expect to get all A's at the end of this semester. I'm so bummed about the B+ in Stats last semester. I really wanted to graduate with a 4.0. I have four classes next semester, then four the following, then two the last semester, so I'm hoping I can finish out with A's.
Keith and I are desperately looking for some place to live. I really can't take living in this apartment much longer. I moved in August 2011 and enough is enough of apartment life. We are not going to buy, but instead try to rent until he retires. We want to buy something in Arizona, so we may do that before he retires because the house prices are creeping up. Things are going really, really well with us. I'm so hoping they work out. I think if we live together first it will be good to see just how well we do before we get married! But, I think it's all good. We do need a bigger kitchen, that's for sure. When we're cooking, it's the two of us, his dog Cocoa, who is a Chocolate Lab mix, and my Gideon, and there's just not enough room!
Well, finishing up some homework today (I always have homework - I've had homework almost every day for the last three years and I'm so sick of homework!), then I'm going to the driving range to hit some balls before my first group lesson tomorrow, then I'm going to make pizza meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner. Keith and Cocoa are coming over. I can't wait until he doesn't have to come over, and he doesn't have to leave!
Monday, March 17, 2014
March 11, 2011
Three years ago last week was when Dan told me he thought we were done. It took another few weeks for him to be sure - and I remember those weeks were hell. Nothing I could say or do would change his mind - I begged, I pleaded, but he finally decided he wanted out of our marriage. That seems like so long ago...I guess it's good that it's starting to fade - the detail - the arguments - the harsh, hateful words on both our parts - I can't seem to recall most of it anymore.
I'm feeling very anxious and struggling with the situation I'm in now, though completely different.
Thank you so much to those who saw my last text and checked in on me - I so appreciate it. A special thank you to Pat and Dick - your call was so needed.
Now, here's the thing...I'm working 30 hours a week and taking 16 credits. This semester is the semester from Hell - and I mean it this time. I can not get ahead of it, no matter if I stay up 5 days straight with no sleep. The good thing and the bad thing is that it's over in 11 days. I will never, never get everything done I need to get done in 11 days and I don't know what I'm going to do. Next semester is not going to be much better because I'll be re-learning Spanish I in preparation for Spanish II in the summer! LOL! I'm taking 16 credits next semester - two on campus (one of which is Chemistry) and two on-line plus relearning Spanish. I have to pay a tuition bill of $7,100. With working, I'm not spending the time I need on my homework or reading, or the time I need I guess - I'm a slow learner. At work, I'm not working the time I should be working - 40 hours - to be full time.
I'm not working out at the gym AT ALL. All I do is go to work, go to school, and do homework. No life, no fun.
I starting dating Keith again. We dated a while back in October, then I think he needed some time after his divorce, but seems ready for a relationship this time. We are so good for each other and we love each other. I don't have any time to see him. I'm constantly making dates then canceling them. Do I want him to feel he's not a priority to me? If I were 20 years younger, I'd put my career and school first. But it's different 20 years later - time is so short. I want to concentrate on what matters in life and enjoy every minute. I feel I'm not enjoying things much now. Keith is totally understanding and he has a full and active life of his own, but, being in a relationship is the piece of my life that's been missing. I've dated and haven't felt this way about anyone else - this is the real deal. We've talked about so many things and where we'd like to live and what we'd like to do. I need to have him in my life and I need to have time to enjoy him. Not only that, but with Spring and Summer coming, I want to be able to get out and run and ride my bike and golf with Keith. I'm burning the candle at both ends...
I think I need to not work right now...but it's paying my health insurance. I'd have to go back to a private plan and that was so expensive. But, I feel like I'm throwing $7,100 away if I'm not taking full advantage of school. Also I want to be more involved in the Student Ambassador program and spend more time with the kids I mentor. BUT, I NEED the experience the restaurant is giving me for after graduation. But, after burning the candle at both ends, not getting near enough sleep and gaining about 15 pounds from not moving and nervous eating - I need to take care of this old - no young! body. I don't want to, but I think I have to not work, concentrate on school, my health, Keith, and having fun. I can't do anymore than that.
I'm feeling very anxious and struggling with the situation I'm in now, though completely different.
Thank you so much to those who saw my last text and checked in on me - I so appreciate it. A special thank you to Pat and Dick - your call was so needed.
Now, here's the thing...I'm working 30 hours a week and taking 16 credits. This semester is the semester from Hell - and I mean it this time. I can not get ahead of it, no matter if I stay up 5 days straight with no sleep. The good thing and the bad thing is that it's over in 11 days. I will never, never get everything done I need to get done in 11 days and I don't know what I'm going to do. Next semester is not going to be much better because I'll be re-learning Spanish I in preparation for Spanish II in the summer! LOL! I'm taking 16 credits next semester - two on campus (one of which is Chemistry) and two on-line plus relearning Spanish. I have to pay a tuition bill of $7,100. With working, I'm not spending the time I need on my homework or reading, or the time I need I guess - I'm a slow learner. At work, I'm not working the time I should be working - 40 hours - to be full time.
I'm not working out at the gym AT ALL. All I do is go to work, go to school, and do homework. No life, no fun.
I starting dating Keith again. We dated a while back in October, then I think he needed some time after his divorce, but seems ready for a relationship this time. We are so good for each other and we love each other. I don't have any time to see him. I'm constantly making dates then canceling them. Do I want him to feel he's not a priority to me? If I were 20 years younger, I'd put my career and school first. But it's different 20 years later - time is so short. I want to concentrate on what matters in life and enjoy every minute. I feel I'm not enjoying things much now. Keith is totally understanding and he has a full and active life of his own, but, being in a relationship is the piece of my life that's been missing. I've dated and haven't felt this way about anyone else - this is the real deal. We've talked about so many things and where we'd like to live and what we'd like to do. I need to have him in my life and I need to have time to enjoy him. Not only that, but with Spring and Summer coming, I want to be able to get out and run and ride my bike and golf with Keith. I'm burning the candle at both ends...
I think I need to not work right now...but it's paying my health insurance. I'd have to go back to a private plan and that was so expensive. But, I feel like I'm throwing $7,100 away if I'm not taking full advantage of school. Also I want to be more involved in the Student Ambassador program and spend more time with the kids I mentor. BUT, I NEED the experience the restaurant is giving me for after graduation. But, after burning the candle at both ends, not getting near enough sleep and gaining about 15 pounds from not moving and nervous eating - I need to take care of this old - no young! body. I don't want to, but I think I have to not work, concentrate on school, my health, Keith, and having fun. I can't do anymore than that.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Sunday, February 9, 2014
I Gotta Get Out of This Mood
It's been too long for me to feel this way. I thought after the holidays I'd be better. It does not seem to be the case! I'm taking a Psychology class this semester and a lot of things have come to light for me. Hard to face. I had my review at work, and although I ended up - from the Exec. Chef - exceeding expectations, there were a lot of areas I cold have done better if I had more confidence in myself. Story of my life. I know that's something that drove Dan crazy about me. I never think I'm good enough.
Work on Friday was just awful. I went into work with such a good attitude! Then - uuuggghhh - I felt like a failure. I went out to the market - we have a market within our restaurant where the sandwiches, cheese and meat boards are made up. I went out to get some lavender honey, candied nuts, and dried fruit to do a cheese display for an evening event. The cook out there - as soon as I got there was like, what do you need? I said I just need to grab some stuff. I was not in his way, but he said could you get what you need and get out of here? I just turned around and left. I went back after he went home. I know others in the restaurant think he's a dick, but that was the first time he was like that to me. Then, I was getting ready to do the cheese display. This kid I work with - 18 - said to me, it's got to look nice so I'll help you. I bit my tongue. He looked at the amount of cheese I had and said that's not nearly enough, and he started to prep more. I said I'd like to have chance to do this myself. I got a napkin lined box filled with crusty bread and crackers and set it on the board just to get it out of the way. He came over and moved it. That was it - I was pissed - I said, go ahead, you do it. He looked at me and said you really what that there? Then he moved it back where I had it. I said forget it - you just finish it because anything I do is not going to be right in your eyes. I know he's 18 and so immature, but he does this to me ALL THE TIME. Questions me, tells me this isn't right or that isn't right. As soon as I had walked into work, he comes to me and says, hey anytime you sear meat, you have to season the shit out of it. I said I did, and he said no, you didn't. Nothing about how nice I seared it or how nice the grill marks were, just what I didn't do. I guess if my boys were reading this now they say I'm getting a dose of my own medicine since I did that a lot to then growing up! Anyway, he finished the board. Then we were getting ready for the buffet and I was going to sauce the fish with this wine reduction. He made it and reduced it too much, so there was not a lot and it was very thick. I picked up the ladle and he said, hey, that's all we have. I said, I know, and put the ladle down and said then I guess you had better do it. I've never done that at work before. I didn't even go and help set up for the buffet. I stayed behind in the kitchen and cleaned up his huge mess, which he always leaves, just wanting to get everything ship shape so I could leave for the evening. My new sous chef came over to me and asked if everything was OK because I was being quiet, plus he overheard my conversation with the kid. I just wanted to cry and tried my best not to. He said he didn't want any dissension within our group. I apologized for what I had said, but told him I've had enough. I asked him not to mention anything, that I would take care of it. But, you know, whatever I say, I'm now going to be the bad guy.
It's just so hard, to have everything you do picked apart because you're new and everyone wants to "help". When I was bowling some caramelized onions, one of my workmates said I had put too much in a bowl because it's very expensive. I said, OK, went and got a smaller bowl, and then she said I don't like that bowl, let's go look for another. It was the same size, just different. What difference does it make??? When it's stuff like that, what difference does it make?
I just have to show that I have confidence in myself and gently push back, then maybe people would start thinking I know what I'm doing. I could not believe how quickly my mood changed. How I walked into work with such confidence, then all of a sudden I felt like I didn't know anything. I never do that to anyone. UUUGGGHHH! I'm still not sure what I want to do. My professor at school suggested food service, you know like hospitals and schools? I could get my certification after my bachelor's degree. But, I don't think I want to sit behind a desk. I want to be with people, so I really believe I want to be front of the house. I have more experience there.
It's really not like it's totally awful at work, I don't want you to think that, but the times like I had on Friday seem to overwhelm the good times. We do have fun, goof around, and there are things that I do right. We were supposed to come up with a dill cream for a vegetable platter. I made my dill dip that I've been making forever and everyone loved it. I made a Tomato Bisque that was so good. It was added to the rest of a batch that this young kid made. He said it was good because of his part! I just let it slide. Not worth it. Someday he's going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person. I've seen it happen so it's just not me. I have to let his comments just slide. That's what my sous chef said, he said let those comments slide. You have it, you know what you're doing. You know it and I know it. You are respected here, believe me. So, I guess I have to believe it.
Please, give me some positive thoughts so I can gain confidence. I'm going to bite my tongue when I'm tempted to ask a stupid question that I know the answer to but just want to confirm. This is such a hard time in my life right now. I'm tired of school - just want to be done already! I know, no one is going to have confidence in me if I don't have confidence in myself.
Work on Friday was just awful. I went into work with such a good attitude! Then - uuuggghhh - I felt like a failure. I went out to the market - we have a market within our restaurant where the sandwiches, cheese and meat boards are made up. I went out to get some lavender honey, candied nuts, and dried fruit to do a cheese display for an evening event. The cook out there - as soon as I got there was like, what do you need? I said I just need to grab some stuff. I was not in his way, but he said could you get what you need and get out of here? I just turned around and left. I went back after he went home. I know others in the restaurant think he's a dick, but that was the first time he was like that to me. Then, I was getting ready to do the cheese display. This kid I work with - 18 - said to me, it's got to look nice so I'll help you. I bit my tongue. He looked at the amount of cheese I had and said that's not nearly enough, and he started to prep more. I said I'd like to have chance to do this myself. I got a napkin lined box filled with crusty bread and crackers and set it on the board just to get it out of the way. He came over and moved it. That was it - I was pissed - I said, go ahead, you do it. He looked at me and said you really what that there? Then he moved it back where I had it. I said forget it - you just finish it because anything I do is not going to be right in your eyes. I know he's 18 and so immature, but he does this to me ALL THE TIME. Questions me, tells me this isn't right or that isn't right. As soon as I had walked into work, he comes to me and says, hey anytime you sear meat, you have to season the shit out of it. I said I did, and he said no, you didn't. Nothing about how nice I seared it or how nice the grill marks were, just what I didn't do. I guess if my boys were reading this now they say I'm getting a dose of my own medicine since I did that a lot to then growing up! Anyway, he finished the board. Then we were getting ready for the buffet and I was going to sauce the fish with this wine reduction. He made it and reduced it too much, so there was not a lot and it was very thick. I picked up the ladle and he said, hey, that's all we have. I said, I know, and put the ladle down and said then I guess you had better do it. I've never done that at work before. I didn't even go and help set up for the buffet. I stayed behind in the kitchen and cleaned up his huge mess, which he always leaves, just wanting to get everything ship shape so I could leave for the evening. My new sous chef came over to me and asked if everything was OK because I was being quiet, plus he overheard my conversation with the kid. I just wanted to cry and tried my best not to. He said he didn't want any dissension within our group. I apologized for what I had said, but told him I've had enough. I asked him not to mention anything, that I would take care of it. But, you know, whatever I say, I'm now going to be the bad guy.
It's just so hard, to have everything you do picked apart because you're new and everyone wants to "help". When I was bowling some caramelized onions, one of my workmates said I had put too much in a bowl because it's very expensive. I said, OK, went and got a smaller bowl, and then she said I don't like that bowl, let's go look for another. It was the same size, just different. What difference does it make??? When it's stuff like that, what difference does it make?
I just have to show that I have confidence in myself and gently push back, then maybe people would start thinking I know what I'm doing. I could not believe how quickly my mood changed. How I walked into work with such confidence, then all of a sudden I felt like I didn't know anything. I never do that to anyone. UUUGGGHHH! I'm still not sure what I want to do. My professor at school suggested food service, you know like hospitals and schools? I could get my certification after my bachelor's degree. But, I don't think I want to sit behind a desk. I want to be with people, so I really believe I want to be front of the house. I have more experience there.
It's really not like it's totally awful at work, I don't want you to think that, but the times like I had on Friday seem to overwhelm the good times. We do have fun, goof around, and there are things that I do right. We were supposed to come up with a dill cream for a vegetable platter. I made my dill dip that I've been making forever and everyone loved it. I made a Tomato Bisque that was so good. It was added to the rest of a batch that this young kid made. He said it was good because of his part! I just let it slide. Not worth it. Someday he's going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person. I've seen it happen so it's just not me. I have to let his comments just slide. That's what my sous chef said, he said let those comments slide. You have it, you know what you're doing. You know it and I know it. You are respected here, believe me. So, I guess I have to believe it.
Please, give me some positive thoughts so I can gain confidence. I'm going to bite my tongue when I'm tempted to ask a stupid question that I know the answer to but just want to confirm. This is such a hard time in my life right now. I'm tired of school - just want to be done already! I know, no one is going to have confidence in me if I don't have confidence in myself.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Some Memories Just Won't Go Away
As the time between being Dan's wife and not grows wider and wider, there have been some memories that have been hard to shake. We went to Washington, DC in 2010, things were rocky in the spring, but we went anyway in June. It was so hard to forgive him, I wish I would have tried harder. We had a nice vacation, I think that was one of the last really nice times we had. We went to Germany then in December, and it was the beginning of the end - that was a bitter-sweet vacation.
There were so many nice trips I can remember - great times with the boys, then they brought friends, then girl friends. A lot of those memories have been swirling around in my head lately.
I have to say, since Christmas, I've been just hanging on...just trying to survive - day by day. I've been so busy with work and school and homework - I'm exhausted. My body is so out of whack - I can't fall asleep, then I can't wake up. But, I know I have to keep going - keep on this track. Four more semesters after this one. I worked three 12-hour days last week, and had school from 1-9:30 in between. I guess I'm just worn out.
UUGGHH! I guess, what's really bothering me is I'm not sure where I'm gong to end up - what I'm going to do - what I'll be doing. I'm really nervous about it. This semester is really, really tough - the toughest one so far. I'm sitting here doing a huge project for one of the classes and i'm just hoping I have enough time to get it done. It's 10:30 pm and I believe I'll be pulling an all-nighter. It's -2 degrees! I took a break just to get out of the apartment and stretch my legs and it's bitter, bitter cold. I think we're supposed to have temperatures with wind chills down around -28 degrees for the next few days. My heat is constantly on because I just can't seem to get warm in this apartment. I renewed my lease today - for one more year. I HOPE it's just one more year.
Well, enough of this - I need to get back to homework.
There were so many nice trips I can remember - great times with the boys, then they brought friends, then girl friends. A lot of those memories have been swirling around in my head lately.
I have to say, since Christmas, I've been just hanging on...just trying to survive - day by day. I've been so busy with work and school and homework - I'm exhausted. My body is so out of whack - I can't fall asleep, then I can't wake up. But, I know I have to keep going - keep on this track. Four more semesters after this one. I worked three 12-hour days last week, and had school from 1-9:30 in between. I guess I'm just worn out.
UUGGHH! I guess, what's really bothering me is I'm not sure where I'm gong to end up - what I'm going to do - what I'll be doing. I'm really nervous about it. This semester is really, really tough - the toughest one so far. I'm sitting here doing a huge project for one of the classes and i'm just hoping I have enough time to get it done. It's 10:30 pm and I believe I'll be pulling an all-nighter. It's -2 degrees! I took a break just to get out of the apartment and stretch my legs and it's bitter, bitter cold. I think we're supposed to have temperatures with wind chills down around -28 degrees for the next few days. My heat is constantly on because I just can't seem to get warm in this apartment. I renewed my lease today - for one more year. I HOPE it's just one more year.
Well, enough of this - I need to get back to homework.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Stuff...
I should probably not even write this! But, as I'm short of friendly faces around me, I guess this will have to do.
I'm having a crisis - why did I choose this? why can't I find a nice guy? why is everything so hard lately? I wish I were younger.
Stuff has been swirling around in my head since before the Christmas break...and I'm so sick of the broken record. I want this next year to be over already. I want to be done with school. This semester is the hardest ever - there is so much homework, stuff I don't understand, and little time to do it. I'm working at least 30 hours a week, mostly 10 hour days and they are killing me. On my feet, non-stop, pressure, trying to memorize, remember techniques, not look like a total imbecile. I'm also trying to fit just 3 hours a week in at the gym - just three hours...The time I have carved out is 5:15-6:15 am two days a week and 9:00-10:00 one day a week...I'm making one day. My goal is to make it three times this week. All I want to do is sleep!
I talked with the exec. chef and he said I'm way to hard on my self - the story of my life. I guess I have so little time, really, until I'm done with school, and I feel I know 1/1000 of what I need to know. I'm so sick of thinking this way - of being in this place. I'm avoiding doing my homework because I don't understand it. I got a tutor for Statistics and I'll probably start next week. The professor teaching our class is all over the place. The girl sitting beside me is class left, then came back. She whispered to me she tried to get out of the class because she said she's never going to get this. I told her after class, don't quit, you'll be a week behind it any other class you sign up for, I said we'll get it together. If I can get it, that is!
The exec. chef also said - after 4 months - he's going to start being harder on me because I need it. Yes, I do. I need pushed, I need the pressure. I've worked on "the line" a few days last week in pantry, where they make all the salads and desserts. I worked the afternoon shift, which wasn't like the evening shift when it really rocks. I watch those guys on the line and think, I'll never be that good. Of course I won't! They've been at it for years! I don't have years! I don't have 10-15 years of experience either in front of me or behind me. I don't know what I'm going to do, or who's going to hire me with very little experience. I'm just stressing a lot over a lot of things. Enough said.
Here's some photos. First, I got another tattoo over the holiday. It's on my forearm and it's my incentive to finish this thing and make a go of the career I've chosen - the path I decided to take, whether right or wrong, I have to stick with it. I got made fun of when I first started because I had expensive Shun knives. My boss - the sous chef - was overheard by me saying "I can't stand these people who have these expensive knives and don't know how to sharpen them." You can bet I've learned how to sharpen them! So, that's my Shun knife. The whisk is so I don't forget my real love - baking. The pick ribbon ties them because I'm still a girlie girl and I have a lot of pink! Notice my shoes! Then one of my co-workers took a photo of me cleaning Teres'. I did fine with those, except the chef spied me going a little too deep removing the silver skin and said "if you're cutting red, you wasting green". Remember, he told me he was going to be hard on me! Well, after that, my Achilles heel - cleaning a chicken. I completely feel apart because I'm so intimidated by it. So, I asked the exec. chef if I could clean every chicken that came into the restaurant until I get it...that's what I need...consistency. The sous chef who was working with me said, no you're fucking it up - I can't let you do this alone. That killed me. I will get it - once I've done about 100 like he has - he's 23!!! UUUGGGHHH!
Oh, well, back to homework! Please, if you're reading this - say a prayer for me of encouragement. I need that right now.
I'm having a crisis - why did I choose this? why can't I find a nice guy? why is everything so hard lately? I wish I were younger.
Stuff has been swirling around in my head since before the Christmas break...and I'm so sick of the broken record. I want this next year to be over already. I want to be done with school. This semester is the hardest ever - there is so much homework, stuff I don't understand, and little time to do it. I'm working at least 30 hours a week, mostly 10 hour days and they are killing me. On my feet, non-stop, pressure, trying to memorize, remember techniques, not look like a total imbecile. I'm also trying to fit just 3 hours a week in at the gym - just three hours...The time I have carved out is 5:15-6:15 am two days a week and 9:00-10:00 one day a week...I'm making one day. My goal is to make it three times this week. All I want to do is sleep!
I talked with the exec. chef and he said I'm way to hard on my self - the story of my life. I guess I have so little time, really, until I'm done with school, and I feel I know 1/1000 of what I need to know. I'm so sick of thinking this way - of being in this place. I'm avoiding doing my homework because I don't understand it. I got a tutor for Statistics and I'll probably start next week. The professor teaching our class is all over the place. The girl sitting beside me is class left, then came back. She whispered to me she tried to get out of the class because she said she's never going to get this. I told her after class, don't quit, you'll be a week behind it any other class you sign up for, I said we'll get it together. If I can get it, that is!
The exec. chef also said - after 4 months - he's going to start being harder on me because I need it. Yes, I do. I need pushed, I need the pressure. I've worked on "the line" a few days last week in pantry, where they make all the salads and desserts. I worked the afternoon shift, which wasn't like the evening shift when it really rocks. I watch those guys on the line and think, I'll never be that good. Of course I won't! They've been at it for years! I don't have years! I don't have 10-15 years of experience either in front of me or behind me. I don't know what I'm going to do, or who's going to hire me with very little experience. I'm just stressing a lot over a lot of things. Enough said.
Here's some photos. First, I got another tattoo over the holiday. It's on my forearm and it's my incentive to finish this thing and make a go of the career I've chosen - the path I decided to take, whether right or wrong, I have to stick with it. I got made fun of when I first started because I had expensive Shun knives. My boss - the sous chef - was overheard by me saying "I can't stand these people who have these expensive knives and don't know how to sharpen them." You can bet I've learned how to sharpen them! So, that's my Shun knife. The whisk is so I don't forget my real love - baking. The pick ribbon ties them because I'm still a girlie girl and I have a lot of pink! Notice my shoes! Then one of my co-workers took a photo of me cleaning Teres'. I did fine with those, except the chef spied me going a little too deep removing the silver skin and said "if you're cutting red, you wasting green". Remember, he told me he was going to be hard on me! Well, after that, my Achilles heel - cleaning a chicken. I completely feel apart because I'm so intimidated by it. So, I asked the exec. chef if I could clean every chicken that came into the restaurant until I get it...that's what I need...consistency. The sous chef who was working with me said, no you're fucking it up - I can't let you do this alone. That killed me. I will get it - once I've done about 100 like he has - he's 23!!! UUUGGGHHH!
Oh, well, back to homework! Please, if you're reading this - say a prayer for me of encouragement. I need that right now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)