Losses

This past week I've lost two very special people in my life...one through death and one through divorce. Lately, it's hard to really feel the difference between the two. I've had so many losses in my life...so many this year. Grieving, I've been told, is the same for a divorce as it is for a death. I sure have grieved a lot this year. It's hard to wonder what God is thinking sometimes. Last Sunday in church, our Pastor said, "God doesn't make mistakes." I have to believe that...believe in that fact.

I decided I did need a Christmas tree this year in my apartment. I went to the storage unit, opened the door...and cried. I have pieces of my life in so many places. Not just "things", but people, memories, feelings. My life will never, ever be the same. Neither will my husband or my kids lives be the same'. I did manage to get the tree - it was within easy reach. I climbed on top of a bench and saw one Christmas tub that I thought I could reach. The other Christmas tubs were buried too deeply to get to. The tub I did manage to reach had a few items in it. When I got back to the apartment, I started to unwrap the items in the tub. Memories of my days living in England rushed back to me. First I unwrapped the Spode Christmas plates I bought in England, as well as a Christmas Pudding teapot. I remember the day when I bought that teapot. I don't specifically remember the store, but I remember the friends I was with. Every once in a while a group of us - whoever was available - would venture down to Stoke-on-Trent and hit all of the shops. Most of us had a set of dishes (or two!) we were adding to. Spode, Waterford, Portmeirion...I remember the day I got the last Spode Christmas collector plate - the one I was missing. It wasn't in a shop...it was in my friend Denise's kitchen. She had gotten a few of those  plates to give as Christmas presents. When she found out I was missing that one, she gave it to me! The next item I unwrapped- a Christmas bell that matches the Portmeirion dishes I have. Another memory came to me. The memory of the day I discovered we had been burglarized and nearly half of the Portmeirion dishes I had been buying over the 1 1/2 years we'd live there were gone. We were packing up the house to move back to the states in two days. Again, my friend Denise came right over and (those of you who know Denise remember she had quite a potty mouth!), said a few choice words, and then helped me do a quick inventory of what all was missing, drove me to my insurance agent's office (how we found it that day I'll never know), and organized a group of friends to go with me to Stoke-on-Trent the next day to buy - in one afternoon - what had taken 1 1/2 years to buy. Then I remembered the friends that were in my dining room and kitchen just a few months ago packing ALL those dishes for me - a task I could not have managed alone.There were a few other items in the bin, but no ornaments and no lights The last two  items I unwrapped were  a Mr. and Mrs. Snowman that my sister-in-law Linda had given us for Christmas last year - when I was a "Mrs." and Dan was my "Mr." I went to Meijer and bought a few boxes of Christmas balls, a star for the top of the tree, and two boxes of icicles. I have a Christmas tree now. I'm glad I went to the storage unit and was able to reach that tub. It reminded me of all the wonderful people I have in my life and all that I do have going for me. That was a good tub to find. God doesn't make mistakes - he knew what he was doing I guess. He knew I needed a reality check, and I am glad for it.

A Difficult Day

Well,

What a day. In the kitchen, I fabricated (disassembled) another chicken - my third - and it was the worst one yet. I "butchered" it. I've seen three chefs at school - and countless others on You-Tube - and they all do it a different way. I've got to learn to do it the right way before the final. Jason is coming over to spend Thanksgiving with me. I'm so grateful. Chris was also supposed to come, but he's really, really busy with work and would have had to go right back, so I suggested he come see me when the timing at work is better. Jason and I are going to visit a couple kitchen shops because we both love shopping for kitchen gadgets and just looking at what's new. I'm really excited to just be spending some down time with him. We are going to do a Thanksgiving dinner, but I think we're going to do some non-traditional dishes because we can! I'm going to buy a bunch of broiler chickens so we can get this fabrication thing down pat and then I'm giving him the chicken meat for his freezer. Mine is too small for much of anything. I didn't do well on a quiz in my kitchen class; then got a paper back in English that was a mess. I'm going to have the opportunity to fix the errors to better my grade, so that's a good thing. APA citing - grrrr!

So, I'm really wondering if this decision to go to culinary school was a good one for me. I just seem to be doing everything back asswards. You'd think I've never been in a kitchen before. I've never had to do things "exactly right" in my kitchen - I just did it, so I've got lots of bad habits to break. The more I do wrong, the more nervous I get, and the more nervous I get, the less confidence I have in myself.

But, the worst thing today? I found out - by e-mail - that my divorce was final last Tuesday! I had no idea that it went through. I read my e-mail in between classes today and that was a big mistake. It really hit me hard, harder than I would have thought. I'm no longer Mrs. Dan Alt. I'm a Ms., a single...I went to a seminar this past Saturday at my church on "Surviving the Holidays", which was geared towards people who have lost a parent or spouse or child or friend, or are now single because of divorce. I'm struggling with the whole Christmas thing. I was soooo into Christmas...the tree, the decorations, the music, the gifts, the cooking, the baking, the Christmas cards...All of my Christmas stuff is in the way, way back of my storage unit. Do I even want to do anything this year?

I just pray that God will get me through all of this. I feel like I've lost so much; and as a friend told me today, I'm still mourning and adjusting to everything. I need to get my confidence back if I'm going to make it. I pray and just hope that God is listening. I know he has a plan...

University of Michigan

 Right this minute, I'm sitting in a Starbuck's, in the middle of University of Michigan's campus, wanting a Starbuck's so bad, but I don't know if my laptop will be here waiting for me when I get back. LOL! You never know! What brings me here is - right up the street - there's a vacuum store that sharpens knives. I'm waiting to go back and pick them up and needed somewhere to hang out. I heard they are really good and they do it by hand, so I decided to drive the 26 minutes, bring all of my school knives, and my knives from home as well. I just can't get the hang of sharpening my own knives at school, hence, I took my mid-term with a very dull paring knife! I plan to go to open lab tomorrow, and it will be great to have sharp knives finally. I'm going to be working on a cut - the Tourne' - which if you do know what this is, you're probably cringing; and if you don't, you should be! You take a potato (or other vegetable) and you turn it into a 2+ inch football with seven very distinct sides. You should have seen my first one! Well, I'm determined to master it tomorrow. My brother, Kevin, gave me the name of a site to look at for knife cuts - Alton Brown's Good Eats - American Slicer. Turns out, you know who told him about the show---My son Jason! Funny, huh? Anyway, don't know if he demonstrates that cut or not, but I'm going to do some research on line, once I quit writing this blog and looking around at all the "cool kids!"
I started thinking...wouldn't it have been nice if I were one of those cool kids, so many years ago, instead of now? But, then, I think of all the things I would have missed out on. Yep, I'm glad I took the path in life I took. This is just a new one. I feel like I'm always two steps behind, BUT at least it's now only two steps instead of 12! It is getting a little easier every day. I registered for classes next semester and and didn't screw up this time! It's a beautiful Michigan fall day. The sun is shining and it's 48 degrees. I guess I better get back to what I was doing - research on the three papers I have due. Once I pack up and head back to pick up my knives (if I remember where I parked the car!) you can bet I'm gonna get a Starbuck's coffee to enjoy on the way home!

Mid-term

It's Wednesday, November 2nd. I got up at 5 am to study for a Nutrition test and I've been answering e-mails instead of studying! Yesterday I took my mid-term in my kitchen skills class. Very surprised - I got a B+. For me, that's amazing. My knife skills are not anywhere near some of the students in class. In fact, I'm planning to go to open lab every Saturday - probably for the next 4 years! I love open lab. You just request the ingredients you want, there's a chef there to ask questions or show you a technique, and it's just considered part of your tuition. I don't have to buy the ingredients myself and practice at home without the assistance of a chef to show me the proper technique. Anyway, the mid-term was timed. We had 2 1/2 hours to complete the following: Chop one carrot and one onion into small dice - 1/4 inch. Surprisingly, I got high marks on those and I've been terrible at those cuts. We had to blanch, shock, peel, seed and chop a tomato into 1/4" dice; a potato into 2" x 1/4" x 1/4" Batonnet (all of these cuts have to be EXACTLY the same size); a rib of celery into 1/2" dice, and a shallot very finely minced. Then we had a poach an egg (harder than you'd think), make a blond roux, then use it in a Bechamel Sauce (mine, he said, was too thick); and a reduction and Hollandaise Sauce (got 7/10). I didn't look at ANY of my grade sheet - didn't want to get discouraged in the middle of the exam - after every task, he'd look at it and grade it. I'll look at it when we get it handed back to us. My cuts are getting better and better every week. Thank goodness my notebook is neat and complete, my participation in class is good, and I haven't missed any classes. That helps my grade. I was the next to last person done, but I was done before the 2 1/2 hours so I don't care. I left the carrot until last because that is my worst cut. I got full marks! On the divorce, I had to sign some additional, updated papers and a Quit Claim to the house - my beautiful home. That was tough. I had a bit of a meltdown this past Sunday while practicing for my mid-term. Anything sets me off these days. I just want this divorce over so I can start to heal. I've not spoken to Dan since before I moved out in August. I don't even remember my last words to him or his to me. I do have an A so far in my Nutrition and English classes. I just registered for next semester's classes. I'll have (2) 5 hour classes a week in Baking and Pastry Skills Lab, a 3 hour class in Baking and Pastry theory, and a 3 hour class in Purchasing and Product Identification. I hear from all the "kids" that it's the worst class ever, the professor is so difficult, and it's very, very hard. It will definitely be a challenging semester because lots is expected in the Baking and Pastry courses. Of course, being left-handed is a huge disadvantage with so much hands-on stuff. But I so want to learn the proper techniques to cake decorating, pastries, and baking in general. Here's a photo of me in my uniform. Don't you love it - all the cool kids are wearing them! LOL!