As the time between being Dan's wife and not grows wider and wider, there have been some memories that have been hard to shake. We went to Washington, DC in 2010, things were rocky in the spring, but we went anyway in June. It was so hard to forgive him, I wish I would have tried harder. We had a nice vacation, I think that was one of the last really nice times we had. We went to Germany then in December, and it was the beginning of the end - that was a bitter-sweet vacation.
There were so many nice trips I can remember - great times with the boys, then they brought friends, then girl friends. A lot of those memories have been swirling around in my head lately.
I have to say, since Christmas, I've been just hanging on...just trying to survive - day by day. I've been so busy with work and school and homework - I'm exhausted. My body is so out of whack - I can't fall asleep, then I can't wake up. But, I know I have to keep going - keep on this track. Four more semesters after this one. I worked three 12-hour days last week, and had school from 1-9:30 in between. I guess I'm just worn out.
UUGGHH! I guess, what's really bothering me is I'm not sure where I'm gong to end up - what I'm going to do - what I'll be doing. I'm really nervous about it. This semester is really, really tough - the toughest one so far. I'm sitting here doing a huge project for one of the classes and i'm just hoping I have enough time to get it done. It's 10:30 pm and I believe I'll be pulling an all-nighter. It's -2 degrees! I took a break just to get out of the apartment and stretch my legs and it's bitter, bitter cold. I think we're supposed to have temperatures with wind chills down around -28 degrees for the next few days. My heat is constantly on because I just can't seem to get warm in this apartment. I renewed my lease today - for one more year. I HOPE it's just one more year.
Well, enough of this - I need to get back to homework.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Stuff...
I should probably not even write this! But, as I'm short of friendly faces around me, I guess this will have to do.
I'm having a crisis - why did I choose this? why can't I find a nice guy? why is everything so hard lately? I wish I were younger.
Stuff has been swirling around in my head since before the Christmas break...and I'm so sick of the broken record. I want this next year to be over already. I want to be done with school. This semester is the hardest ever - there is so much homework, stuff I don't understand, and little time to do it. I'm working at least 30 hours a week, mostly 10 hour days and they are killing me. On my feet, non-stop, pressure, trying to memorize, remember techniques, not look like a total imbecile. I'm also trying to fit just 3 hours a week in at the gym - just three hours...The time I have carved out is 5:15-6:15 am two days a week and 9:00-10:00 one day a week...I'm making one day. My goal is to make it three times this week. All I want to do is sleep!
I talked with the exec. chef and he said I'm way to hard on my self - the story of my life. I guess I have so little time, really, until I'm done with school, and I feel I know 1/1000 of what I need to know. I'm so sick of thinking this way - of being in this place. I'm avoiding doing my homework because I don't understand it. I got a tutor for Statistics and I'll probably start next week. The professor teaching our class is all over the place. The girl sitting beside me is class left, then came back. She whispered to me she tried to get out of the class because she said she's never going to get this. I told her after class, don't quit, you'll be a week behind it any other class you sign up for, I said we'll get it together. If I can get it, that is!
The exec. chef also said - after 4 months - he's going to start being harder on me because I need it. Yes, I do. I need pushed, I need the pressure. I've worked on "the line" a few days last week in pantry, where they make all the salads and desserts. I worked the afternoon shift, which wasn't like the evening shift when it really rocks. I watch those guys on the line and think, I'll never be that good. Of course I won't! They've been at it for years! I don't have years! I don't have 10-15 years of experience either in front of me or behind me. I don't know what I'm going to do, or who's going to hire me with very little experience. I'm just stressing a lot over a lot of things. Enough said.
Here's some photos. First, I got another tattoo over the holiday. It's on my forearm and it's my incentive to finish this thing and make a go of the career I've chosen - the path I decided to take, whether right or wrong, I have to stick with it. I got made fun of when I first started because I had expensive Shun knives. My boss - the sous chef - was overheard by me saying "I can't stand these people who have these expensive knives and don't know how to sharpen them." You can bet I've learned how to sharpen them! So, that's my Shun knife. The whisk is so I don't forget my real love - baking. The pick ribbon ties them because I'm still a girlie girl and I have a lot of pink! Notice my shoes! Then one of my co-workers took a photo of me cleaning Teres'. I did fine with those, except the chef spied me going a little too deep removing the silver skin and said "if you're cutting red, you wasting green". Remember, he told me he was going to be hard on me! Well, after that, my Achilles heel - cleaning a chicken. I completely feel apart because I'm so intimidated by it. So, I asked the exec. chef if I could clean every chicken that came into the restaurant until I get it...that's what I need...consistency. The sous chef who was working with me said, no you're fucking it up - I can't let you do this alone. That killed me. I will get it - once I've done about 100 like he has - he's 23!!! UUUGGGHHH!
Oh, well, back to homework! Please, if you're reading this - say a prayer for me of encouragement. I need that right now.
I'm having a crisis - why did I choose this? why can't I find a nice guy? why is everything so hard lately? I wish I were younger.
Stuff has been swirling around in my head since before the Christmas break...and I'm so sick of the broken record. I want this next year to be over already. I want to be done with school. This semester is the hardest ever - there is so much homework, stuff I don't understand, and little time to do it. I'm working at least 30 hours a week, mostly 10 hour days and they are killing me. On my feet, non-stop, pressure, trying to memorize, remember techniques, not look like a total imbecile. I'm also trying to fit just 3 hours a week in at the gym - just three hours...The time I have carved out is 5:15-6:15 am two days a week and 9:00-10:00 one day a week...I'm making one day. My goal is to make it three times this week. All I want to do is sleep!
I talked with the exec. chef and he said I'm way to hard on my self - the story of my life. I guess I have so little time, really, until I'm done with school, and I feel I know 1/1000 of what I need to know. I'm so sick of thinking this way - of being in this place. I'm avoiding doing my homework because I don't understand it. I got a tutor for Statistics and I'll probably start next week. The professor teaching our class is all over the place. The girl sitting beside me is class left, then came back. She whispered to me she tried to get out of the class because she said she's never going to get this. I told her after class, don't quit, you'll be a week behind it any other class you sign up for, I said we'll get it together. If I can get it, that is!
The exec. chef also said - after 4 months - he's going to start being harder on me because I need it. Yes, I do. I need pushed, I need the pressure. I've worked on "the line" a few days last week in pantry, where they make all the salads and desserts. I worked the afternoon shift, which wasn't like the evening shift when it really rocks. I watch those guys on the line and think, I'll never be that good. Of course I won't! They've been at it for years! I don't have years! I don't have 10-15 years of experience either in front of me or behind me. I don't know what I'm going to do, or who's going to hire me with very little experience. I'm just stressing a lot over a lot of things. Enough said.
Here's some photos. First, I got another tattoo over the holiday. It's on my forearm and it's my incentive to finish this thing and make a go of the career I've chosen - the path I decided to take, whether right or wrong, I have to stick with it. I got made fun of when I first started because I had expensive Shun knives. My boss - the sous chef - was overheard by me saying "I can't stand these people who have these expensive knives and don't know how to sharpen them." You can bet I've learned how to sharpen them! So, that's my Shun knife. The whisk is so I don't forget my real love - baking. The pick ribbon ties them because I'm still a girlie girl and I have a lot of pink! Notice my shoes! Then one of my co-workers took a photo of me cleaning Teres'. I did fine with those, except the chef spied me going a little too deep removing the silver skin and said "if you're cutting red, you wasting green". Remember, he told me he was going to be hard on me! Well, after that, my Achilles heel - cleaning a chicken. I completely feel apart because I'm so intimidated by it. So, I asked the exec. chef if I could clean every chicken that came into the restaurant until I get it...that's what I need...consistency. The sous chef who was working with me said, no you're fucking it up - I can't let you do this alone. That killed me. I will get it - once I've done about 100 like he has - he's 23!!! UUUGGGHHH!
Oh, well, back to homework! Please, if you're reading this - say a prayer for me of encouragement. I need that right now.
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