Three years ago last week was when Dan told me he thought we were done. It took another few weeks for him to be sure - and I remember those weeks were hell. Nothing I could say or do would change his mind - I begged, I pleaded, but he finally decided he wanted out of our marriage. That seems like so long ago...I guess it's good that it's starting to fade - the detail - the arguments - the harsh, hateful words on both our parts - I can't seem to recall most of it anymore.
I'm feeling very anxious and struggling with the situation I'm in now, though completely different.
Thank you so much to those who saw my last text and checked in on me - I so appreciate it. A special thank you to Pat and Dick - your call was so needed.
Now, here's the thing...I'm working 30 hours a week and taking 16 credits. This semester is the semester from Hell - and I mean it this time. I can not get ahead of it, no matter if I stay up 5 days straight with no sleep. The good thing and the bad thing is that it's over in 11 days. I will never, never get everything done I need to get done in 11 days and I don't know what I'm going to do. Next semester is not going to be much better because I'll be re-learning Spanish I in preparation for Spanish II in the summer! LOL! I'm taking 16 credits next semester - two on campus (one of which is Chemistry) and two on-line plus relearning Spanish. I have to pay a tuition bill of $7,100. With working, I'm not spending the time I need on my homework or reading, or the time I need I guess - I'm a slow learner. At work, I'm not working the time I should be working - 40 hours - to be full time.
I'm not working out at the gym AT ALL. All I do is go to work, go to school, and do homework. No life, no fun.
I starting dating Keith again. We dated a while back in October, then I think he needed some time after his divorce, but seems ready for a relationship this time. We are so good for each other and we love each other. I don't have any time to see him. I'm constantly making dates then canceling them. Do I want him to feel he's not a priority to me? If I were 20 years younger, I'd put my career and school first. But it's different 20 years later - time is so short. I want to concentrate on what matters in life and enjoy every minute. I feel I'm not enjoying things much now. Keith is totally understanding and he has a full and active life of his own, but, being in a relationship is the piece of my life that's been missing. I've dated and haven't felt this way about anyone else - this is the real deal. We've talked about so many things and where we'd like to live and what we'd like to do. I need to have him in my life and I need to have time to enjoy him. Not only that, but with Spring and Summer coming, I want to be able to get out and run and ride my bike and golf with Keith. I'm burning the candle at both ends...
I think I need to not work right now...but it's paying my health insurance. I'd have to go back to a private plan and that was so expensive. But, I feel like I'm throwing $7,100 away if I'm not taking full advantage of school. Also I want to be more involved in the Student Ambassador program and spend more time with the kids I mentor. BUT, I NEED the experience the restaurant is giving me for after graduation. But, after burning the candle at both ends, not getting near enough sleep and gaining about 15 pounds from not moving and nervous eating - I need to take care of this old - no young! body. I don't want to, but I think I have to not work, concentrate on school, my health, Keith, and having fun. I can't do anymore than that.
