Come On Already!

It's been awhile since I've written. How could I have been so high coming off the Italy trip and now so low? It's this Al a Carte class - my last cooking class. I have two other classes, but they've been a breeze. This class has - in every single way, been horrible for me and my self esteem. I can't believe how I don't have any confidence left after this class. I just don't think I have it anymore - what it takes. I've had some job interviews and offers - but not ones I'd take or want. I am so afraid I'm going to fail this impossible final test. I'm hanging - hanging by a thread. I just want to stop right now - not go on - not fail. Why has everything been so hard for me? Here I am, ready to graduate, and I might not, I might fail this class and have to take it AGAIN - that is a possibility. I just don't want to think - I can't concentrate - I can't focus. The chef from the class has been on my ass for three months. He thinks I'm a fuck up, he treats me with distain, why am I doing this? How could I have ever even thought I'd be able to live this life? To do this? I think they all think I'm a fuck up. There are some kids who are so good at what they do - so good, calm, creative. This guy has turned me upside down. But, it's not him, it's me. Why did I ever think this would be my life? That I'd be good at it? Just once, just one time, could I be good at something? I can't do this anymore.