My Body is Rebelling!

I missed my first day of school today since I started. I think my body is rebelling to lack of sleep, lack of a balanced diet, and the thoughts of last year at this time. I woke with a migraine this morning. I must have had it during the night because I had one horrible dream after another. I haven't had a migraine in years! There was no way I could even think of getting ready, let alone driving to school, let alone using a knife! LOL! I'm really bummed, though, because we were going to some fantastic dishes today! I slept until 3:00 pm. It's 11:30 pm now and I hope I can get some sleep so I can go into school tomorrow. I believe it's a combination of lack of sleep (I pulled an all-nighter Sunday), working a lot of crazy hours, not eating properly, and living through last year in my head. I just went through what would have been our 31st anniversary, Dan's birthday, Jason's birthday, and Chris' is coming up next week. In addition, I found out who Dan is seeing. I shouldn't even be worrying about him or that - I'm seeing someone myself, but it's who he's seeing that hurts.

Anyway, I thought I was handling things pretty well, but I haven't been. I've been moody, teary-eyed, and anxious. This past weekend, Jason and Brittany met Ramzi for the first time. I would have hoped it would have gone better...maybe he just needs more time. Then, I was working on a paper and PowerPoint for my on-line class Sunday. For some reason, I did not save my paper even once while working on it - at least 8 hours worth of work! Luckily I had just printed it, so I scanned it in with three minutes to spare before the deadline of.....2 am EDT! So, after that, there was no way I was going to get any sleep. So, I just stayed up all night and caught up on the homework I didn't get done over the weekend because of the boys' visit AND...recovering from a long weekend of work from last weekend.

So, I'm doing some re-evaluating. I KNOW I've gained a ton of weight and it's bothering me big time. Not just appearances, but how I'm feeling. I've never weighed this much and I can tell how my body is feeling about it. I eat at school, I eat at work, I don't eat well at home, and I've not been to the gym in months. My bike is sitting on the deck, and I planned on starting to run in APRIL! Today was a wake-up call. I'm not 20 anymore. I've got to start taking better care of myself.

On the flip side, I had a wonderful weekend with the boys and Brittany and Ramzi. It was really nice. Last evening I spent in Battle Creek and had dinner with my two really good friends, Linda and Dawn, and got to see their husbands, too! I had three appts. during the day so I feel good about getting them out of the way.

When am I going to get over this divorce? Over Dan and the fact that he will not talk to me? Over the fact that I know I could have been a better wife and there's nothing I can do about it now? About how I failed? About how this is effecting my boys? About how it's effecting my relationships with Ramzi and my friends and my school mates? And now it's effecting my schoolwork. UGGHHH!

This Week is Really Tough

It's so hard to believe that one year ago - around this time - my world completely fell apart. I can't believe it - still today. Years and years and years that Dan and I shared - growing up together, our lives, our challenges and successes, the deaths of our grandparents and parents, the birth of our children, the feelings of joy we shared with each success they experienced, the plans to retire and travel, every single moment, every single kiss, every single touch - things only he and I shared...never to ever be again. I had a very good friend tell me yesterday that no one would have ever known there was anything wrong with our marriage. We were envied. How long did he really love me - how much of our marriage was the truth? Did he ever love me? I know he did - I felt it. My Dad always says you don't know what you had until it's gone.

So, yes, life does go on. I'll never regret those years - those successes and failures - our boys - our life. I heard somewhere recently that sometimes, with a marriage, when there's nothing left, you have to just "push the reset button". I guess that was true with us. We had let it die and nothing was going to bring it back. I have to let it die - I have to let it go. I will never let go of the memories - but it's time to let it die.