...and Not!

It's so funny that my last blog title was "Joy!" I'm really not feeling the joy right now. I never would have imagined feeling this way about Christmas and the whole season. I'm unbelievably sad. Sad at having to share my kids with Dan and his new family, sad at the loss of everything I've even known and felt at this time of year. Being alone at this time of year - I now know how people feel when they've lost loved ones and have to go through the holidays alone. I miss our family - the boys, Dan and me. I miss my Mom so terribly. I miss my niece, Desa. It still feels like a punch in the gut every time I think of her.

Not going to be a Debbie Downer here. I just have to get through it. I just hope next year I'm not spending the holiday season by myself. I hate this, but I have to mourn and grieve the loss in order to get past it.

I finished up this semester and have three weeks away from school! It's good because I get a break from studying, but it's bad because I don't get to spend time with most of the only friends I have here. I'm going to meet up with a few over the break, and I'll still be working, so that's good. I've started back to the gym and that is helping my mood and depression. For this semester, I got 3 A's and one B+, for which I missed an A by .90! But, it was a tough final - Latin Cuisine. I NEED practical experience, so I'm going to be looking for a new job I guess. That's the only thing that's going to get me up to speed and be a better chef. I've got the handicap of age and lack of experience.

So, it's Saturday. It's 2:30p and I'm still in my flannel pj's because I plan to watch movies all afternoon, catch up on paperwork, and make a beautiful steak on the grill for dinner! What I've noticed since starting school, I can taste things and know what they need or how I could make it better. I could never do that before. Things that I've made my whole life, I'm tweaking them to taste even better. My knife cuts are coming along. In a lot of things I've really got the rhythm going! My Latin Final was just like Iron Chef. Everyone racing around, it was insane!!! Next semester I'm going to up my game and try for speed all the time.

I miss all of you who've been reading my blog. Some I get the opportunity to talk to every one in a while, but most of you I don't. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers and I appreciate the support I've received from so many of you. Someday - when I'm able to see the forest for the trees - I'll appreciate looking back on this incredible journey. Please pray for me and God's blessing so that soon I can start my way out of this "valley." I get no sun down here - I need to feel God's warmth as I start up the mountain towards better days. Have a wonderful holiday - and appreciate what you have.

Joy!

I am concentrating on the Joy I have in my life. I'm trying, anyway! I started writing out some Christmas cards last night. The friends I have - I'm so grateful. Some of the people I've corresponded with for years no longer do...because of the divorce...and that hurts very much. My Divorce Care book recommends making a list of all the things I've lost through divorce so I can see them in black and white - and deal with them once and for all so they don't haunt me for the rest of my life. To be honest, I've not done that yet - I'm really not ready yet...hopefully soon.

But, I did write a list of all the things I still have and it is a great list! My health, my boys, my family, my friends, my new friends, living so close to school and the gym, having a laundry room literally 5 steps from my apartment door, my brain (when it works!), school, my good friend and investment broker!!, my good friend and trainer!!, my job, plus stuff I'm not remembering right now. Friends and family are pulling me through and for that, I feel pure joy.

I'm training to run a 5k on New Year's Day! I loved running before my injury - it brought me joy and I want to feel that feeling again. I've been doing spin classes, and then training sessions with my trainer - I feel so much better AFTERWARDS!! LOL! I need to lose weight and get healthy again. Blood pressure and sugar and both creeping up.

School is getting easier - not EASY, but easier. I'm gaining more and more confidence in the kitchen. If I want my table mates to have confidence in me, I have to show confidence in myself. Next semester I have four classes again - HR, Marketing, Math II, and Classical Cuisine. I'm looking forward to the three week break over Christmas. I was planning on doing some traveling...but I just don't have the energy right now to plan it out. Hopefully next semester I will. I know I mentioned this before (but maybe not - my brain!!!) I read in my Divorce Care book that going through a divorce uses up 85% of your available energy. So, while trying to go to school, work, have a relationship, study, and try to have some kind of life, I only had 15% of my available energy to accomplish all of that. No wonder...I'm now trying to take some of that energy I've been using focusing on the divorce and put it on the other side of the spreadsheet for the things that are more important to me and what I need right now.