...and Not!

It's so funny that my last blog title was "Joy!" I'm really not feeling the joy right now. I never would have imagined feeling this way about Christmas and the whole season. I'm unbelievably sad. Sad at having to share my kids with Dan and his new family, sad at the loss of everything I've even known and felt at this time of year. Being alone at this time of year - I now know how people feel when they've lost loved ones and have to go through the holidays alone. I miss our family - the boys, Dan and me. I miss my Mom so terribly. I miss my niece, Desa. It still feels like a punch in the gut every time I think of her.

Not going to be a Debbie Downer here. I just have to get through it. I just hope next year I'm not spending the holiday season by myself. I hate this, but I have to mourn and grieve the loss in order to get past it.

I finished up this semester and have three weeks away from school! It's good because I get a break from studying, but it's bad because I don't get to spend time with most of the only friends I have here. I'm going to meet up with a few over the break, and I'll still be working, so that's good. I've started back to the gym and that is helping my mood and depression. For this semester, I got 3 A's and one B+, for which I missed an A by .90! But, it was a tough final - Latin Cuisine. I NEED practical experience, so I'm going to be looking for a new job I guess. That's the only thing that's going to get me up to speed and be a better chef. I've got the handicap of age and lack of experience.

So, it's Saturday. It's 2:30p and I'm still in my flannel pj's because I plan to watch movies all afternoon, catch up on paperwork, and make a beautiful steak on the grill for dinner! What I've noticed since starting school, I can taste things and know what they need or how I could make it better. I could never do that before. Things that I've made my whole life, I'm tweaking them to taste even better. My knife cuts are coming along. In a lot of things I've really got the rhythm going! My Latin Final was just like Iron Chef. Everyone racing around, it was insane!!! Next semester I'm going to up my game and try for speed all the time.

I miss all of you who've been reading my blog. Some I get the opportunity to talk to every one in a while, but most of you I don't. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers and I appreciate the support I've received from so many of you. Someday - when I'm able to see the forest for the trees - I'll appreciate looking back on this incredible journey. Please pray for me and God's blessing so that soon I can start my way out of this "valley." I get no sun down here - I need to feel God's warmth as I start up the mountain towards better days. Have a wonderful holiday - and appreciate what you have.

Joy!

I am concentrating on the Joy I have in my life. I'm trying, anyway! I started writing out some Christmas cards last night. The friends I have - I'm so grateful. Some of the people I've corresponded with for years no longer do...because of the divorce...and that hurts very much. My Divorce Care book recommends making a list of all the things I've lost through divorce so I can see them in black and white - and deal with them once and for all so they don't haunt me for the rest of my life. To be honest, I've not done that yet - I'm really not ready yet...hopefully soon.

But, I did write a list of all the things I still have and it is a great list! My health, my boys, my family, my friends, my new friends, living so close to school and the gym, having a laundry room literally 5 steps from my apartment door, my brain (when it works!), school, my good friend and investment broker!!, my good friend and trainer!!, my job, plus stuff I'm not remembering right now. Friends and family are pulling me through and for that, I feel pure joy.

I'm training to run a 5k on New Year's Day! I loved running before my injury - it brought me joy and I want to feel that feeling again. I've been doing spin classes, and then training sessions with my trainer - I feel so much better AFTERWARDS!! LOL! I need to lose weight and get healthy again. Blood pressure and sugar and both creeping up.

School is getting easier - not EASY, but easier. I'm gaining more and more confidence in the kitchen. If I want my table mates to have confidence in me, I have to show confidence in myself. Next semester I have four classes again - HR, Marketing, Math II, and Classical Cuisine. I'm looking forward to the three week break over Christmas. I was planning on doing some traveling...but I just don't have the energy right now to plan it out. Hopefully next semester I will. I know I mentioned this before (but maybe not - my brain!!!) I read in my Divorce Care book that going through a divorce uses up 85% of your available energy. So, while trying to go to school, work, have a relationship, study, and try to have some kind of life, I only had 15% of my available energy to accomplish all of that. No wonder...I'm now trying to take some of that energy I've been using focusing on the divorce and put it on the other side of the spreadsheet for the things that are more important to me and what I need right now.

Thanksgiving

The boys, Brittany and I had a nice Thanksgiving. We celebrated over the weekend. I have to say spending the actual day of Thanksgiving by myself sucked, but...I guess this is how it's going to be.

Instead of cooking a turkey, we had some of the Latin dishes I've worked on in class. Chris helped me cook most of it because he was here before Jason and Brittany arrived. That was so nice cooking together!

I put up my tree last night. I know I have another box of stuff in the storage unit that I used last year. I guess I'll have to crawl through it to find it. Should be accessible - just hate going into that unit. Someday I'll have it in my house.

Here's a photo of the guys in my Latin class! We just had our dishes evaluated and now it's time to eat!

The Sun Is Shining

Today is Thursday, and it's a good day. I've had so many friends write, text, and e-mail me lately. I am truly blessed. I know that. We had to write 4 poems as part of our mid-term in English II. I decided it was a good time to purge. It felt so good.

Lots of positives this week. School is going really well. Mid-term grades came out - all A's. I made a Chayote salad and Empanadas this week in Latin Cuisine. We are studying South American cuisine. I'm understanding my Math I class. Now, remember, I've not been in high school for many, many years. It's funny - we'll be sitting in class and I'll suddenly remember studying it - actually - in grade school. This class went back to the very basics - adding and subtracting...we flew through that part of the book. It was a good reminder, though! LOL! Anyway, we have a test on Monday evening and I feel really ready. My Computers for Culinary class is - well - I thought it was going to be boring. I can't believe all the shortcuts and applications in Microsoft Office I did not know! I'm just used to doing something one way when there are actually four ways to do it - all quicker than the way I've always done it. I'm really enjoying it. We had an assignment to plate a dish. We had to list all the items in the dish in a table to practice doing tables in Word, then we had to either draw by hand with the "pencil" tool or use Word objects. Believe it or not, I used the pencil tool (I'm a TERRIBLE artist) and made asparagus, stuffed chicken breast, Potatoes Dauphine, and bread pudding - with raisins!

I started back to the gym FINALLY! The trainer I had when I first moved here has been so wonderful about keeping in touch with me and encouraging me to start back. So, I have a schedule worked out. It revolves around school - depending on my work schedule - I will still be able to work it out to be at the gym several times a week. I do feel so much better emotionally when I work out - I know that - it's just hard to get started. I want to try running again. Not pushing myself like I did last year and injurying myself. I want to just be ready to do some 5k races in the spring.

I'm going to start working in the kitchen at work - some real life experience! I'm so excited about that!!!

The other stuff - the negative stuff - it's always going to come up - I can't dwell on it. It just brings me down.

Here's some photos from this week in Latin. As you can see, all but one of the Empanadas is gone!

October

I can't believe that my last post was only October 10th...seems like a lifetime ago. The day I went to Kalamazoo to see my therapist was a hard day. That's the day I found out that Dan had remarried. I just felt my world crumble. This was right on the heels of my break-up with Ramzi. But then the next day, I felt a sort of relief. I can't explain it. It was like it is really over with Dan - he has certainly moved on. I need to, too.

Exactly one week later, I got a call from my brother telling me that my niece had committed suicide. I was in total disbelief. I still am. Throughout the next week, I was in a daze. I drove home for the viewing and the funeral. During the funeral mass, the pastor said something that has really stuck - and has helped me through this past couple of weeks. He said, it's not about you - it's not about Desa - it's about God and how he brought us all here together. Her death, though senseless - has to mean something. We need to take this opportunity to open our hearts to God. I've not been doing that. I've been trying to hold onto every hurt, every emotion, every pain, every fear. That day - that moment - I gave it up to God and said, I can't do this anymore. I've got to give it up to you - everything - I need your help. I can't do this anymore on my own. God spoke to me. I asked my Dad and my brother if they felt it, too. They did not. It was not their time.

I can't let her death be in vain. For me, I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior - again. So, I've made contact with a representative of Yellow Ribbon - a group addressing suicide prevention. I want to help, but I also want to heal.

School is going really well. I have more work this semester, but don't feel the stress like I did last semester. Mid-terms were this week and I'm carrying an A in all four classes. I am starting back to the gym. I've been taking time to breathe like my therapist suggested. I'm going to be working in the kitchen at work to get some back of the house experience, which I'm excited about. God has given me so many joys - I have to see them and recognize them and not just focus on the negatives. I have so many friends who care about me. I have so much. Life is full of good and bad. I have to take the bad, then let it go. I have to take the good and hold onto it.

New Semester...AGAIN!

Well,
I'm already done with Week 2 - where did it go? Because I had to make up my Garde Manger final in the first two weeks, I was at school on Monday of both Week 1 and Week 2 from 6:45a to 10:00p - three full classes, two 5 hour classes and one 4 hour class. Just yesterday I had the 3rd and last part of the final from 7a to 12p, then an English class from 1-5. I worked six hours the previous Friday and from 3p-12:45a on Saturday. I just got home from a 6-10p class. I am so tired!

But, I got the best grade in our class in Garde Manger!! Whoo Hoo! It's hard to swallow the B I got in Food and Beverage...more to that story but not worth getting into.

This past month...so hard. The break-up with Ramzi was unbelievably hard - still is. I'm driving 2 hours to Kalamazoo tomorrow to see my therapist, then lunch with Jason, then the two hours back because I have a ton of homework. I'm taking four classes this semester plus working and going to the gym - when I start back to the gym, that is! LOL!

I am feeling the gamut of emotions - sadness, loss, overwhelmed, tired, anxious...I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be happy and enjoy what I'm doing. I guess I don't really know what I want right now. A lot of what I was planning was for a future with Ramzi...now I don't know what I want. The stress of trying to keep a relationship going is off of me, I guess I can say that.

I'm thinking of going to Arizona for a few days to see my brother Kevin as soon as this semester is over - I need a change of scenery!

Good news! I got a book published through Divorce Care - 365 days of Recovery. I need to get over the past. I let my heart open up to a relationship when it was not healed - and now it has to heal twice as much. I pray God leads the way to recovery for me. I pray he helps me through this semester. I pray he gives me the courage and strength to continue, and I pray he helps me to gain some confidence in myself.

Next Semester...Next Chapter

I'm on break from school. I didn't finish one of my finals, but my Chef is allowing me to finish it at the beginning of the next semester, and I'm very grateful for that. Otherwise, I think I did OK, but these past few months have been difficult for lots of reasons.

Ramzi and I are no longer seeing each other. This has been very hard on me. There's not much more I want to say about it. I just want to heal.

There are a lot of things I've not been doing for myself and I want to rectify that. I have a week to just think before the next semester and I want to - and need to - recharge.

One thing's for sure - I'm starting back to the gym. I know that will make me feel physically and emotionally better. I need that right now.

Mid Way Through...

Well, I just finished week 5 of this semester - half way through. This semester can't be over soon enough for me! Not that I don't like the classes - it's the combination of classes. There are HUGE projects due in each class. I started the semester off a bit slower than usual. Now I'm behind. The mid term I took in my Food and Beverage/Supervision class a few days ago - I didn't do well. I think I studied all the wrong stuff. Each question was worth 3 points each and I know for sure I missed 6 questions...oh, well. Our big project is worth 400 points so I'd better do well on that one.

Now, for the good stuff. In my Garde Manger class (cold prep) we learned to make sausages, kielbasa, and chorizo this week, plus smoking it. I'm learning so much in this class. It's really hard, though, so much information to take in. It's a 6 credit class. My other two classes are Food and Beverage/Supervision and Supervision - yeah, that's right - we use the same textbook for both classes. I'm learning a lot about wine in the Food and Bev. Our instructor is a sommelier in his "real" job. But, I'm learning a lot.

Work - I've been captaining and serving. Only been working one day a week, but with this load at school I don't mind. It will pick up now. I'm waiting on confirmation from my boss if I can start training one day a week in our catering kitchen as a prep cook, and then line cook. I'm excited about the opportunity to get some real world experience.

I was going to quit writing my blog I was that - and still am - that upset over a recent situation where my boys were maliciously given some incorrect information about me. But, I decided I really do need this, so I'm going to continue. Because of all of this, I'm emotionally drained. Last week, I was really ready to just hang it up. I've paid so much money so far. If I dropped out now, I'd lose all of the money I paid for this semester. Then I thought about just taking a semester off, but I was afraid I'd talk myself out of coming back. On Tuesday, I sealed my fate - I signed up for four classes next semester, so I guess I'm sticking with it. I need to really, really focus to get caught up right now. I hope I can do it.

New Semester

My new semester started on July 9th. I had a wonderful three week vacation from school. One of those weeks I didn't have to work, so that was really nice! Ramzi, his Mom, and his younger daughter stayed with me and we had a very nice week of doing things around the Detroit area. That was a very nice week.

Jason and Chris are doing well. Chris started a new job and is enjoying it.

My classes for this semester are Garde Manger, Food and Beverage Operations Management and Culinary Supervision, Management, and Career Development. I have six papers/major projects due between the three classes. I wish you could upgrade the memory for your brain like you can for your computer or I-Pod. I am running out of storage space, that's for sure. So much to memorize. Maybe I'll just delete the memories from junior high to make more storage space - I did not like junior high!

Garde Manger is all about cold food preparation and is a station in some restaurants. All the cold salads, sandwiches, soups, etc. are prepared at that station. We're learning how to cure and smoke meat, make all types of salads, soups...sorry, I've not looked ahead because I'm getting a bit overwhelmed by all that we will learn in this class. It's worth 6 credits, so it's a pretty complex class.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed about stuff in general, I guess. I think when I started school, I was just thinking - get through the 1st year...just get through the 1st year and things will be better. Well, now I look ahead and I have three more years like the last one. I'll get through it, but do all college students feel this way? I guess I expect too much from myself.

Ramzi bought a bike so we're having fun checking out new places around the area. The heat has been so terrible lately - we're hoping for a little break this weekend so we can get a couple rides in.

That's about it for now. The homework is...overwhelming!!!  LOL! I spent most of the day yesterday and most of today on my Garde Manger class. I really need to start cutting class, staying out all night partying, blowing off my homework, and not studying for tests. Maybe then I'll feel like an 18 year old instead of a 53 year old going to college!

Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day. I talked to my Dad, which was nice, but I wish I could have been there. I am going to try to go back home before I go back to school after break.

I spent a wonderful day with Ramzi and his girls, his sister Gina and her husband Jamie and their boys Tristin and Cole. It was such a good day. We had great food on the grill. I made a birthday cake for Cole's 9th birthday. We spent the afternoon in their back property shooting all kinds of guns. I think Ramzi's daughter and I have found something in common! It was so much fun being around Ramzi's nephews - they remind me so much of my boys at that age!

I'm starting my 3 weeks off school today. I have a million things I want to do - think I'll just start by spending the afternoon on the couch watching movies - yep, that sounds like a plan!

Got an A in all three classes this semester, so I'm feeling pretty good! I will miss my American Regional class, though, but hope my Garde Manger class is just as much fun.

Here are some photos!

My classmates at the Top Chef Roadshow (I'm taking photo)

The food we had to put prepare  for the audience

 Some of the dishes we made during the semester - learning how to plate correctly as well...

 Calamari and Pasta

 I made this - a dish from the Hawaii - can't remember the name, but it was yummy!

 OMG! This meat was marinated then grilled - it was so good!

 This table is having their dishes evaluated by the our Chef and TA

 This table after they had their dishes evaluated - all smiles!!!

 Dave, Me, Allie, and Jennifer at our Awards Ceremony!

What is Going Right...

Today is Friday, June 15 - I have one more final to take tomorrow in Sociology and then I'm done with school for a full three weeks! I'm so looking forward to it. Two weeks from now I have off both school and work, and I'm needing that. It's going to be a good week. Ramzi is off as well. His oldest daughter will be at a retreat, but his youngest daughter will be with Ramzi for the week. Ramzi's Mom is returning from Florida for the summer. She's flying into Detroit on Tuesday of that week and staying with me as well! So it will be the four of us. We're going to just have fun - the zoo, Greenfield Village, Henry Ford Museum, Greektown, just hanging out watching movies, cooking, baking...I'm so looking forward to it.

Since my last post, I'm still on an emotional roller coaster, but it is getting better. I'm sure it was just the timing from the events of last year that triggered it. As time passes, I'm just hoping the pain eases.

My job is going really well. I'm captaining events (where I run the event and supervise the servers, keep in constant contact with the chef on timing, and make sure everything is just perfect!) a couple of times a week. I'm also serving and training to bar tend. OMG a couple of weekends ago we ran the Grand Prix pre-race event at the Ren Cen in the GM building in downtown Detroit. All the high rollers of Detroit were there, race car drivers, wow, what an experience! Some companies paid $40,000 per table! I was a bar tender for the mingler, then moved over to server. I had two new servers on my crew and I was training them as we went. I remember being new and I wanted to work with them and treat them as I was treated when I started. I'm still new and still have not the confidence to pick up a tray full of plated dinners. I'm going to do it tonight. It's just the confidence of picking it up, and then setting it down. Once you do it, then you know you can. I have a rehearsal party tonight to captain. Anyway, I'm now at Coach Insignia, which is on the 72nd floor of the GM building. It's a very fine dining restaurant and I'm so fortunate!

Chris got a new job! It's located in Indianapolis where he lives now, so he won't be moving. I'm excited for him because he's been under a lot of stress. This will be a new start for him. Additionally, he and his girlfriend are breaking up after about 3 years. It's a good thing for both of them, but I just hate to see him having to go through it.

Jason lost his job but he seems to have landed on his feet. He's working with a friend on an Internet business. He's also writing an article for an Internet site. He thinks he's found his niche. Brittany recently graduated from MSU with her Master's degree in Public Health. They are a great couple.

A few weeks ago I got a call from my advisor at school asking me if I was available on Saturday. Luckily, I was scheduled to work Friday and Sunday of that weekend. She said she had a great opportunity for me...The Top Chef Roadshow was going to be in Troy on Saturday and they were looking for 3 or 4 culinary students to assist the chefs that day! It was so cool. What an awesome opportunity for me. She said I was her #1 choice to go, which I still don't believe.

Last Friday we had an awards ceremony at school. Ramzi took the day off to come. It was nice. Honor Roll and Perfect Attendance awards were presented for the winter quarter. I'm still on a roll of 4.0 and perfect attendance, plus the president recognized the students who attended the Top Chef Roadshow, as well as a group of students from Visual Arts who went to the police precinct in Detroit in which a shooting took place not too long ago. They created a positive mural and it was so inspiring.

So, for my American Regional culinary class I just finished yesterday with the practical final. We had to cook and present - in 2 1/2 hours - a salad dressed with a vinaigrette dressing; black bean soup with an onion marinade; rice; chicken-fried steak with a pepper gravy; mashed potatoes; glazed turnips; and strawberry shortcake. It doesn't sound very complicated, but there were many components to each dish and certain criteria our chefs were looking for in each dish. Everything needed to be presented at the same time - hot or cold - depending on the dish, so everything had to be executed at the last minute. For example, the salad, they were looking for a consistently prepared lettuce, the proper size to fit on a fork, COLD (we learned to put the empty salad bowls in the freezer ahead of time) and the vinaigrette had to be balanced. EVERYONE under dressed the salad because we always tend to over dress the salad! That was funny! But, now we know, if you cut your greens too small and too far ahead of time, they wilt. If you over dress the salad, it will be a soggy mess when it is served to the customer. Next the black bean soup. Mine was so good!!! I rendered bacon, then cooked the onion and garlic, not fried - cooked. Then incorporated the beans, bacon, onion, garlic, chicken stock, ham hock, and tons of spices. I also added chili powder on my own. I simmered it, then removed the ham hock, pureed half of the soup and left the remainder for texture, removed the meat from the ham hock and small diced it and returned it to the pot, then kept it hot, and watched so it did not become too thin or too thick.  For the glazed turnips, they were looking for a nice glaze and turnips that were not overcooked. My glaze could have been further reduced, but then the turnips would have been mush. They told me there's a fine balance. If I would have had more time to mess with them, I would have removed the turnips, reduced the glaze more, then put the turnips back into the glaze. Just ran out of time. Next the rice. I added butter and chicken stock and it was yummy! The mashed potatoes - learned a secret - sour cream! Then the chicken-fried steak. The day before my good friend Dave (he and I worked together at the same table - we work so well together - he's an amazing cook!) and I butchered a shoulder. That was fun. We removed all the fat, then examined the best way to butcher to get the most usable product with minimal waste. I learned in my Purchase and Product ID class how to figure out EPC - edible portion cost. You don't get 100% product out of things like carrots that will be peeled or beef where there is fat or grizzle. You don't want waste, because waste is lost revenue. So, the fat was thrown away in this case, but there were pieces of meat that could be used in other ways, like in broths or stocks or rendered and added to dishes. That was so cool learning how to cut the meat so it was an even slice and weighed the same as the previous piece. Anyway, I took my 2 pieces of meat, tenderized and pounded them, seasoned them, then refrigerated them for later. When I was ready to make it, I removed the steak, egg washed then dredged it in a seasoned flour(salt, cracked black pepper, and I added cayenne pepper. The steaks were already seasoned. We learned in class that every element of a dish needs to be seasoned independently so all the flavors marry. If you season the flour, but not the steak, it will be bland. Or if you have a wonderfully delicious, perfectly seasoned pasta sauce, but you don't season the pasta, when you bite into the pasta, it will be bland. I never really thought about things that way! Anyway, I heated the pan first and got it very hot, then added the vegetable oil, got that hot, then dropped in the two steaks. Magic! Cooked just right on both sides, then I immediately popped them into a warm oven until I was ready to plate. The strawberry shortcake was so good!! We had to use a recipe that called for biscuits with cornmeal. I love to bake. I sifted the flour and baking powder, then added the cornmeal and chunks of COLD butter. I worked it as little as possible to keep the integrity of the butter. Then - another secret - added buttermilk! I worked it as little as possible, flipped it out of the pan, hand patted it, but not too flat, used a biscuit cutter and cut out four rounds, then molded the remaining dough, split it in half and made rustic biscuits - just dropped onto the sheet pan. They rose so nicely and were not too dry. I ended up using the rustic biscuits. Making the strawberries was fun as well. I sliced all of them, then took half and added some sugar and simple syrup and strawberry extract. I pureed it, then added the remaining sliced strawberries and let them marinate almost the entire class. I also made whipped cream, to which I added powdered sugar and a very good vanilla. I'm getting really good at hand whisking whipped cream! I mise en placed (everything in it's place) or prepped all my ingredients first thing, then got the strawberries, the vinaigrette, the marinade, the steaks, and most of the chopping out of the way first. We had to prepare a timeline on what order we would prepare things, which really helps keep you on task. I peeled the potatoes and put them in a pot of water and on the stove. I then peeled the turnips, diced them and put them in water so they didn't turn brown and on the stove as well. The same with the rice - it was all ready, just needed to turn on the burner. When I was ready to start the potatoes, just needed to turn on the burner. For the turnips, just drained them and cooked them in that skillet. Dave and I had all of our pots, pans, and skillets near the stove. Our team mates who tested the day before went around and asked us if we needed anything washed, so we didn't have to do it ourselves. What a time saver. We did the same for them on Wednesday. I think in the 2 1/2 hours I left the table maybe three times to rinse my knife or cutting board and that was it. No wasted steps, everything was prepped and ready. Just went to the frig. to either put something in that was finished or take something out when I was ready to use it. ANYWAY I then made the pepper gravy. It was good but maybe had too much vegetable oil because it was separating. I continued to add milk after I added the dry flour and browned it and it got nice and creamy. Learned to not use heavy cream in this gravy instead of milk - it gets too thick. In prepping, I put milk and butter in a pot to warm, which I used for both the mashed potatoes and the gravy - time saver! Then, at the last few minutes I got my cleaned and ready lettuce out of the frig, cut it into edible pieces, strained the vinaigrette and put it into a COLD salad bowl. Then I sliced my shortcake biscuit, put it on a COLD dessert plate, topped it with the strawberries, then the whipped cream, and then topped that with the other half of the biscuit. Next I took a HOT bowl (put the bowl and plate in the oven when I put the steak in there to keep warm), ladled the soup, swirled sour cream into the soup, topped it with a scoop of rice, topped that with the onion marinade (half the marinade went into the soup), then chopped green onion. Finally I took the steak out of the oven, laid it on the plate, scooped the mashed potatoes, topped both with the pepper gravy, and ladled some of the glazed turnips. Then I carried them on a tray to the chefs - 5 minutes late - even though there were two people ahead of me, I guess the food was still at a pretty good temperature by the time they started tasting it. I then started cleaning off my area, then went to the back to help with the dishes. My name was called - I was first to be critiqued. They asked how I thought I had done. I said I thought the strawberries could have been a bit sweeter, I though my steak was a little tough, but other than that I was happy with my dishes AND, most importantly, I was calm. They said they could see that. I usually freak out when I'm cooking on a deadline (which is every week!) but I'm getting better at that. Anyway, they said I had the best score of the class from both days! I could not believe it. I said I'm no way near the best. They said they weren't saying that, but I brought it all together for the final. They said every week I was bringing it, consistently, getting more confident and improving every week. I had 103% in the class before the final, so I was an excellent student. I'm not bragging here - I just couldn't believe it! I'm so hard on myself and so lack confidence. I'm trying so hard to have more confidence in myself. I will taste my food for balance of seasoning, but I won't eat it. When am I going to gain confidence? I hate that about myself. Anyway, it was such a good day! Three of us students and one of the chefs (he is a TA in our class) went out to Ruby Tuesdays for a drink after class. It might not have even been noon yet! LOL! We are all going to miss this class. We all got along so well!!! Chef told us - and he says he doesn't just say this - this was one of the best, if not THE best American Regional classes he'd ever taught.

So, after looking at the things in my life that are going well - I've got so much to be thankful for. So much.

My Body is Rebelling!

I missed my first day of school today since I started. I think my body is rebelling to lack of sleep, lack of a balanced diet, and the thoughts of last year at this time. I woke with a migraine this morning. I must have had it during the night because I had one horrible dream after another. I haven't had a migraine in years! There was no way I could even think of getting ready, let alone driving to school, let alone using a knife! LOL! I'm really bummed, though, because we were going to some fantastic dishes today! I slept until 3:00 pm. It's 11:30 pm now and I hope I can get some sleep so I can go into school tomorrow. I believe it's a combination of lack of sleep (I pulled an all-nighter Sunday), working a lot of crazy hours, not eating properly, and living through last year in my head. I just went through what would have been our 31st anniversary, Dan's birthday, Jason's birthday, and Chris' is coming up next week. In addition, I found out who Dan is seeing. I shouldn't even be worrying about him or that - I'm seeing someone myself, but it's who he's seeing that hurts.

Anyway, I thought I was handling things pretty well, but I haven't been. I've been moody, teary-eyed, and anxious. This past weekend, Jason and Brittany met Ramzi for the first time. I would have hoped it would have gone better...maybe he just needs more time. Then, I was working on a paper and PowerPoint for my on-line class Sunday. For some reason, I did not save my paper even once while working on it - at least 8 hours worth of work! Luckily I had just printed it, so I scanned it in with three minutes to spare before the deadline of.....2 am EDT! So, after that, there was no way I was going to get any sleep. So, I just stayed up all night and caught up on the homework I didn't get done over the weekend because of the boys' visit AND...recovering from a long weekend of work from last weekend.

So, I'm doing some re-evaluating. I KNOW I've gained a ton of weight and it's bothering me big time. Not just appearances, but how I'm feeling. I've never weighed this much and I can tell how my body is feeling about it. I eat at school, I eat at work, I don't eat well at home, and I've not been to the gym in months. My bike is sitting on the deck, and I planned on starting to run in APRIL! Today was a wake-up call. I'm not 20 anymore. I've got to start taking better care of myself.

On the flip side, I had a wonderful weekend with the boys and Brittany and Ramzi. It was really nice. Last evening I spent in Battle Creek and had dinner with my two really good friends, Linda and Dawn, and got to see their husbands, too! I had three appts. during the day so I feel good about getting them out of the way.

When am I going to get over this divorce? Over Dan and the fact that he will not talk to me? Over the fact that I know I could have been a better wife and there's nothing I can do about it now? About how I failed? About how this is effecting my boys? About how it's effecting my relationships with Ramzi and my friends and my school mates? And now it's effecting my schoolwork. UGGHHH!

This Week is Really Tough

It's so hard to believe that one year ago - around this time - my world completely fell apart. I can't believe it - still today. Years and years and years that Dan and I shared - growing up together, our lives, our challenges and successes, the deaths of our grandparents and parents, the birth of our children, the feelings of joy we shared with each success they experienced, the plans to retire and travel, every single moment, every single kiss, every single touch - things only he and I shared...never to ever be again. I had a very good friend tell me yesterday that no one would have ever known there was anything wrong with our marriage. We were envied. How long did he really love me - how much of our marriage was the truth? Did he ever love me? I know he did - I felt it. My Dad always says you don't know what you had until it's gone.

So, yes, life does go on. I'll never regret those years - those successes and failures - our boys - our life. I heard somewhere recently that sometimes, with a marriage, when there's nothing left, you have to just "push the reset button". I guess that was true with us. We had let it die and nothing was going to bring it back. I have to let it die - I have to let it go. I will never let go of the memories - but it's time to let it die.

Some Photos

It's 2:50 am. I got home from work about 1:00 am and hoped I could just fall asleep right away. I have to get up in three hours I have some homework, then get ready to be in work at 10:00 am. I work this coming Tuesday and Wednesday, captaining two events. I am tired...

A dessert we made last semester. We made the wafer cup, the dried orange, the sorbet (raspberry) the marshmallow (see the block in background?) and the chocolate brownie!

School is so amazingly fun this semester - the culinary class, that is. I have History I as well...it's online and a ton of work. Anyway...I want to share some photos because I don't have much more to update you all on, so enjoy the photos!!



These are mini sweet dough tarts, filled with pastry cream, topped with fresh fruit, and glazed with an apricot glaze. I made these at home as practice for one of the dishes for the Baking and Pastry Final. I got 95/100 on that final - I was so happy!

New England Clam Chowder! OMG it was sooo good! I cleaned and prepared the clams!!

From this semester's American Regional culinary class. Fried catfish, greens, ham and onions, and succotash (The greens were really nice because we made the entire recipe in a pressure cooker - WOW, took so much less time than....all day like it's supposed to be done!

I made this Potato Salad - 10 different items that needed to be cut or chopped - look how consistent my cuts are! Look at the pulled pork OMG the taste was amazing after it smoked all night. Chef handed me two pieces throughout the class and said try this...the first was tongue and later on cheek. I told him I would have never tired those if I knew what they were! They were really, really good!

New England Boiled Dinner (this photo is from the book, but ours was just like this and so good!

Grilled Quail, Orange Sweet Potatoes, Squash, and Hush Puppies - I made the Hush Puppies!!

Oh, Well...

My job...I was hired by Matt Prentice himself to work as his Catering Manager for his soon to open restaurant, Morels, in Farmington Hills. I was so excited. I've been training since February 14th. The restaurant was supposed to open the last week of March, then the middle of April, then right before Mother's Day, then...Matt and the owner of his company (Matt had to declare bankruptcy at some point - I don't know the whole story) had a falling out over Morels - Matt wanted to open as soon as possible, Stan wanted to wait because there were some construction issues, etc. Anyway, Matt quit his own company. So now it's all in court right now. So, as it looks right now, Matt just has Morels. He gave up on a company he's been building up since 1980. His new company will be called Michigan Bistro and his old company is now known as The Epicurean Group. What a mess. The employees are worried for their jobs, no one really knows exactly what's going on. For me, I decided to not take the job with Matt. There were too many red flags with him even before all of this happened. He was not really happy about me going to school. He wanted the position with him to come first. I told him I would put 110% into the job, but school was a priority for me, too and I would make both of them work. So, for six of the ten weeks of school, I was taking four classes and working 3-4 days a week. THAT'S ALL I DID. I know there are people that do this all the time, but for me, it wasn't worth it. I hadn't even started the job yet! The expectation, I believe, was going to be 40-60 hours a week. You know, life is just way too short. I was giving up everything trying to go to school and work. I wasn't going to the gym, I wasn't going to church, I wasn't seeing Ramzi...So, maybe it's a blessing for me that this happened. Anyway, I talked to the President of the new company and, at his suggestion, rather than take a full-time management role, I could work part-time, maybe as a server, a banquet captain, learn how to bar tend, and maybe be able to work in one of the restaurants in the kitchen - what I really wanted to do in Matt's business in the first place. So, even it that doesn't work out, I realized that my passion is not just learning the management side of the business, but to learn to be a competent chef. Unfortunately I'm only taking two classes this semester because I told Matt I'd cut back to really focus on Morels when it opened. Anyway, I could have just made a huge mistake. Matt's name is huge around here. But, he has a lot of competition, and hopefully, I can find a job with one of those companies. So, now I find myself with a lot of time on my hands! LOL! I don't work this weekend, but I'm on the schedule for next Saturday and Sunday. My boss, Florina, is fitting me in where she can and I'm so grateful.

This semester in school I'm taking American Regional, where we cook dishes from different regions of the United States. Last week is was from the New England region. This week it was the Mid-Atlantic region. Next week it's from the South. Two words - Pulled Pork!!! YUM!!! I'm loving this class. I get to work with seven guys from last semester. We have our tables right next to each other and we all get along great - it's a blast!! Our chef, Chef Rob, is so nice and such an accomplished chef. When he critiques us, we are not being beat down, but encouraged to do better the next time. THIS IS WHERE I BELONG! I'm learning new stuff every day. I'm getting to feel a bit more confident, but I'm not there yet! I'm still so intimidated, but I'm getting better.

This time of year is hitting me so hard. I'm remembering last year at this time...St. Patrick's Day, Easter, our anniversary, Dan's birthday, Jason's birthday, Chris' birthday, Mother's Day, Memorial Day...I have to get through all of these landmarks, all the past memories...Every once in a while I just break down and cry, but it's not as often as it was. Dan sold the house, which I'm happy for him. He still will not talk to me. I think about him every single day. Oh, well.

I Can't Believe It!!!

I finished school last Thursday. I got my official grades for the semester today - I got a 4.0! I can't believe after working 3-4 days a week and four classes I still kept my 4.0. Thank goodness for extra credit in my last class because I didn't do as well as I had thought on the final. The best part of the finals? My Baking and Pastry practical! You might recall that I did not so well on my mid-term practical. Well, I got 95-100 on my final. Everything went well, I was a little late getting everything plated, but there was a traffic jam at her table to grade the dishes, so it was alright. She told me and the class that I was the winner. I said what? She said you are the winner on the cinnamon rolls - best in two days! OMG! My partner said, Oh, Ron, she beat you! Then it started. Ron used to work at Cinnabon! So, I guess we'll have a Cinnamon Roll Smack Down some day soon! Anyway, for me, to have the BEST of something, it really made me feel like a million bucks!

I'm in a server uniform right now, getting ready to leave the house and go to an off-premise catering event and train as a server. I'll actually get paid as a server, too, which is better than I get paid right now. I'm learning so much, the servers are wonderful to work with, and they respect the fact I don't have much restaurant experience and still respect me as a manager, and someday their manager. So it's good all the way around.

I start school again on Monday. I decided to take an on-line class as well so I have at least two classes this semester.

I've been sleeping in, which has been wonderful. I signed up for a Yoga 101 class on Sunday. I'll go there after church, then I work an event. I'll probably be home late.

Feelings...I have so many right now. Feelings about one year ago when Dan officially decided he wanted a divorce. I can't believe it's been almost a year - April 30. Feelings about school - excitement. Feelings about work - excitement and trepidation. Feelings about Dan...all over the place. All I know is I miss him and I miss us. It gets a bit easier...but it's taking an extremely long time.

I Should be Studying!!

Oh, my gosh!!! What a wild couple of weeks! It's Wednesday evening - I have two finals tomorrow - a practical in Baking and Pastry, and a written in Baking and Pastry Theory. I hope to do better on the practical than I did at mid-term. One of my friends today said, "I turn into a completely different person during practicals." She's right - I have absolutely no confidence in myself. I just need to relax and what happens, happens. My supply list is done, my timeline is done, my recipes are done, I have my knife kit packed, all I have to do is relax and go with the flow. On Monday I had my final in Purchase and Product ID. I only missed seven questions out of 178 and ended up with a 96.6% in the class, so that's an A for the semester. I really screwed up a quiz and did just OK on the mid-term, but yeah!!! Then today I had the written part for Baking and Pastry - tomorrow I do the practical. This afternoon my Effective Speaking final was an eight minute speech about a progress report. I was the ONLY one within the 8 minute mark - 8 minutes, 8 seconds! We could be 15 seconds under or over before it started effecting the grade. All those practice runs I went through paid off. But then, all that time I spent on it. I saw a young girl in the library this afternoon just writing it a half hour before class!! She went way over the time because there's no way she had time to practice it, too! I'm such a nerd. LOL! So, three finals down, two to go. I've been working like crazy and am so looking forward to no school next week. I was supposed to go to Florida to visit with Ramzi's Mom, but I can't take a vacation from work until I've been there a year :-( So, I hope to only have to work a few days next week and visit with Jason and Brittany, CLEAN this apartment, and catch up on bills, etc. I really am looking forward to only one class next semester, along with working full-time. With all the homework I'm NOT going to have to do, I'll maybe be able to start running or just get to the gym. Who knows what's going to happen in the next couple of months...I'm excited to see...

CRAZY!

I can't even express how crazy things have been since my first day of work/training on Valentine's Day. Today is Tuesday, March 6 and I think I've had two days off, which means no school or work, but still worked all day on homework. The homework this semester is killing me. I seriously did not imagine I'd have this much homework with four classes. Now that I'm working 3-4 days a week...

The training for my new position has been going pretty well. I've helped out on banquet events at Temple Israel, Jewish Community Center(the biggest temple in the US I believe),
and Coach Insignia (the restaurant at the top of the Renaissance Center in downtown Detroit (used to rotate, not anymore, but the view is breathtaking and the restaurant is soooo fancy!) I will help out on an event this weekend at another location. I'm in awe of the staff working the events - I could never do what they do and I have such respect for each one of them. I will depend on them to keep my on track and refer to their knowledge and experience. I get along great with them all and I'm so happy about that.

Just got the green light from Matt Prentice that my location - Morels - will officially open on  April 11th with a charity event for 200 people. This will be a restaurant event, not catering event, but all hands will certainly be on deck. I'm so excited and nervous. The management crew and our staff will be working like crazy the next few weeks to get the restaurant in order. Unpacking equipment, dishes, linens, etc..., training to get everything perfect for opening night. We have two events the two evenings before as a warm-up. I already have three events I need to meet with clients for and it's not even opened yet!

Now, OK, last Saturday...well last weekend really. We had two big events at Coach Insignia, so I was asked to work both of them. The event on Friday was for 60 people and it was a banquet event. So it was great to see it from beginning to end and how if should flow. It went smoothly, but guests really don't know what happens behind the swinging kitchen doors!!! Then Saturday was a "buyout" where the event was the only thing going on that evening in the restaurant. It was a University of Detroit Mercy Law School event. 300+ guests and it was crazy! The guests had no idea what was happening in the kitchen. The salad course was crazy but we pulled it off. The dinner course went very smoothly, as did the dessert course. They were young kids so they drank all evening and probably wouldn't have noticed anything wrong anyway LOL! AND....you know what I did? I was trying to help, started to pull a tray of 10 already plated desserts off a rack to transport over to the other kitchen, the trays were not made for that rack and had to be put on the rack cocked a bit...and you guessed it, I tried to straighten it out so it would slide out easier...and...yep the tray went crashing to the floor! I didn't even have time to see my life flashing before me it was that quick, crash!! I felt like a little kid and I was so embarrassed. I can't believe it, I didn't cry. I wanted to find an open window and jump 72 stories...but everyone came running and I was so embarrassed. The chef was super nice, said don't worry about it, the staff kidded with me a bit and said, OK, she's not allowed to carry anything! I told the chef I wanted to help clean it up and we did (by the way, the restaurant manager was not so nice about it - he was pissed), then I said I wanted to please help put 10 more together. So he let me help him put 10 more together. He had a million things to do at that moment, but wow, he took the time for me to help me feel better. THAT'S the kind of person who makes working in a stressful situation so much better. And the restaurant business is nothing but stress as I'm finding out. So, the rest of the night I felt a little off and a lot in the way. It's like a well-oiled machine and everyone has their role. So, I worked from 3:30 to 10:30 and asked the banquet captain if I could go, even though the assistant manager said no one goes until everything is done, then everyone goes at the same time. I had worked the previous day from 11:00 am-10:30 pm, talked to Jason for about 1/2 hour in the parking lot before I got on the road, got home, started to do some homework and finally went to bed about 12:30 and got up at 5:00 to start homework again, so by Saturday night I was exhausted and emotional. I did cry on the way home Saturday. I then got up early Sunday and started homework and worked the entire day. It's getting to the end at school, and besides all the usual homework I had a paper and two Power Points to write. I have FIVE finals coming up in two weeks and things are starting to move at the restaurant. I can only hope God helps me through these next two weeks. So far I have an A in three classes and an A- in the other class. I hope I can keep it up.  Then I have an entire week off school, then when I start back, I have only one class. It meets twice a week - Wednesday and Thursday from 7:00 am to 12:00 pm so that will be much better. I can answer voice mails on the way to work. Then the following semester I've got to take at least 3 classes or I'll never graduate in this decade! I keep asking myself why did I get this fantastic opportunity at the worst possible time? I want the job and I want to go to school and I want to have a life - I want it all.

OPPORTUNITY!!!

Well, what a crazy week last week was! I took the four mid-terms and did well - what I consider well - on one of them. The most disappointing one was the baking mid-term, especially since my table partner Dave and I went into open lab the Saturday before and baked everything that would be on the test. My rolls never rose correctly. I think my water was too hot for the yeast. I'm going to try them again someday. My cookies - were to perfection on Saturday. For the mid-term, I baked them in the deck oven instead of the conventional oven and didn't trust myself. Then, my instructor didn't like the amount of nutmeg I used in my apple pie and gave me a BAD score. My biscuits were the only thing that I got high marks on. I was devastated. I HAVE to brush it off and start the second half with a clean slate. Believe it or not - I still have a solid A in there, so I'm extremely lucky. I have an A in my Baking and Pastry Theory class. I only missed 6 questions on the mid-term, and we have an opportunity to earn 75 bonus points in that class so I'm not worried at all. My Effective Speaking class - he never gives higher than a  B at mid-term time - I have a B+. I'm loving that class. We write and present two speeches per week and it's making me more and more confident speaking in front of an audience - and also being able to memorize at least the main points and speak off the cuff, make a connection with the audience, and feel comfortable. Now, my Purchase and Product ID class - I have an A- in there. I thought I'd ace the mid-term. NOT! It was an on-line, TIMED test. We had 101 questions, more than half of which were math and essay questions. We had only one hour. I was so nervous that I panicked and couldn't type, couldn't think. What really sucks is the other classes were able to take the test in class and have as much time as they needed. I got an 89%. I'm determined to get an A in that class just to prove to myself I can overcome the nerves for the final. We're working on a huge project right now. A concept restaurant. We have to come up with a name, a theme, a location, and a signature dish - main course with two sides. We then have to come up with a menu and find the conversion factor to have the recipe serve 10. We then have to cost out all of the ingredients and come up with a cost per plate. I'm really surprising myself with enjoying the math!

So, I know I put a lot of pressure on myself and I know I can't keep it up. I'm not a naturally smart student - I have to work really hard at it. But, at school yesterday, there was an awards ceremony for honor roll students, perfect attendance students (believe it or not - out of all the students, there were only about 30 who had perfect attendance last semester), and scholarship recipients. I was honored for being on the President's Honor Roll - 4.0 - and perfect attendance. So, there's no where to go but down! LOL! At least I can say I did it! Both my boys told me how proud they were of me. Jason said, "Just think Mom, if your life would have gone differently, you would never have had this chance to be doing this." That's true, but look at the cost.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and Ramzi came over and made me dinner. I had a dozen roses waiting for me, the dishes done that I had left in the sink when I left for school, and he even cleaned up the glass in the pantry from where I dropped something in the morning. I was so happy we could celebrate Valentine's Day together, even if it was a day early. I took him to The Melting Pot for his birthday last Friday. We had an awesome time - we'd both never been there before. He's taking me to No. VI Chop House this coming Friday for my birthday. Speaking of that...that restaurant is part of the restaurant group I spoke of last blog post. I went for the interview last Friday. Out of all the possibilities I had for employment, THIS is the job I wanted. So I met the owner on Friday at one of his delis. I took my laptop and had a PowerPoint presentation to present to him. After the presentation, and talking a bit, he offered me a job...Catering Manager of his soon to be opened new restaurant! I was blown away!!! What an opportunity! He told me he was going to throw me into the deep end, but I'll be attached to his hip! His Catering Director - who oversees all the catering at his locations -  is going to be training me for the next month, which, by the way, is when the new restaurant opens. He plans to do a lot of advertising so I'll probably have catering events scheduled even before the opening of the restaurant. This is exactly what I wanted! Well, a position in catering. So, I start tonight - Valentine's Day! Talk about baptism by fire. I'll be learning the ropes, shadowing a server, working in the kitchen, shadowing the bar tender, the catering managers from the other locations, AND trying to finish the second half of this semester. I'll be salary and the money is not that great, but for him to take a chance on me and have this awesome opportunity??? Next semester I only registered for three classes and they are all on Wednesdays and Thursdays so that's good. I guess I'll cut back to part-time - 12 or 13 credits a semester. It will take me longer to graduate but I'll be graduating with a degree in Culinary Management AND - if I'm lucky - three years of catering management under my belt. This is the best of both worlds. This morning, I was reading my Grace for the Moment inspirational thoughts for the day:

 "There is a rawness and a wonder to life. Pursue it. Hunt for it. Sell out to get it. Don't listen to the whines of those who have settled for a second-rate life and want you to do the same so they won't feel guilty. Your goal is not to live long; it's to live.


Jesus says the options are clear. On one side there is the voice of safety. You can build a fire in the hearth, stay inside, and stay warm and dry and safe... Or you can hear the voice of adventure - God's adventure. Instead of building a fire in your hearth, build a fire in your heart. Follow God's impulses. Adopt the child. Move overseas. Teach the class. Change careers. Run for office. Make a difference. Sure it isn't safe, but what is?"

There was an awesome sermon on Sunday where I heard some of the same things. So, I pray that if God put this opportunity in my path, he did it for a reason and he wants me to go for it. I pray I have the strength, energy, patience (with myself), grace, humility, and knowledge to work and go to school and not let either suffer.

Here's the website for the restaurant group. The new restaurant isn't out there yet.
www.mattprenticerg.com

I'm Tired!!!!

L to R Chocolate Dipped Shortbread; White Chocolate, Cranberry and Pecan Scones;
Football-shaped Brownies; Spritz Cookies; Biscotti; Chocolate Chip; and
Oatmeal Cookies

Cake Pops I made at home for my Effective Speech Class. Did a PowerPoint on how I made them - everyone in class got one!

Naan and Pita Bread

My table mate sneaking goodies home in his pocket! That's a no-no!

What I really am is exhausted! We are coming up on Week 5 at school - mid-terms. All I've been doing is going to school, studying, reading, doing homework, studying for quizzes, vocabulary, more homework, trying to figure out how to do math, and writing recipes. We have to hand write every recipe, and we do about 10 or so dishes a week. Last week was cookies and brownies and boy it was fun!!!! But still at a killer pace. I think I'm going to have to start wearing Depends - I don't even get a bathroom break! Our table for some reason is the last to get done every time. But, we're learning. Here are some photos from last week. I did most of the cookies, but the boys at my table did the Naan and Pita bread, along with the muffins. I'm loving this class, but it's a lot of work both in and out of the kitchen.

Our beautiful - and TASTY - pies!

This week was pies and tarts. We make them in mini-tart pans so we're not each making 3 regular sized pies times the 15 in our class. Three of them I made. I piped the meringue on the lemon meringue pies and the whipped cream on the chocolate pies. The guys decorated the custard pies with the fruit. The bread on the left-hand side is our French bread. We left it proof too long and it didn't turn out very well. You have to totally multi-task and stuff is ready to be taken care of when you're not ready! That was a tough week, believe it or not. Did you know there are three ways to prepare fruit to go into a pie? Baked fruit - the traditional way to make an apple pie. You put the raw apples, spices, etc. into a raw shell and bake. Then there's the cooked fruit method where you cook the fruit and juice or liquid on the stove top, just till almost tender, and put it into a par baked - or blind baked - shell and bake it the rest of the way. Then there's the cooked liquid method. You drain the juice from frozen or prepared fruit, or if you're using delicate fruit like raspberries. You cook the juice on the stove top, finish it,then add it to the fruit in the par baked shell and bake the rest of the way. We learned all about custard and cream pies.

 Like I said, mid-terms are this coming week - I have four to take: one in the kitchen - the practical, where we have to bake a lattice-crust apple pie, spritz cookies, yeast dinner rolls, and biscuits. We have four hours, which I thought was WAY too much time allowed - until I went to open lab this weekend with my other table mate and discovered we went over by 10 minutes! Not as easy as it sounds, especially when all the doughs except the spritz have to either be refrigerated or - in the case of the yeast rolls - proofed twice. Plus I'll be sharing an oven with my other table mate who's just taking this class because he has to, not that he wants to. He just wants to get through it.That's hard when we're both making the same products but at different times because our class only has 4 mixers for the 7 people taking the final the 1st day (the other half will take their written exam the 1st day and bake the second) so the oven has to be set at 3 different temps...it should be interesting. Then I have a mid-term in the Baking and Pastry Theory class. You'd think it would be the same information from the Baking and Pastry baking class - NOT! We go into more detail and we're covering different chapters than the baking class. Then I have a mid-term in Purchasing and Product ID. I just got a B- on a quiz so I'd better start reading the chapters before the mid-term! LOL!

So, here's the real dilemma for me. I started putting my toes into the working world, part-time. I put my resume in at the school. I got a call from Career Services, where they wanted me to do office work because of my back ground. The career services person was so excited when she interviewed me - except that job can only be taken by a student receiving Federal Aid - which I am not. I really had no interest in office work - I need food service experience. There's a store room at school where all the supplies are kept and I wanted to work in there. Great experience and you don't need to be a Federally funded student. I worked in their one day for 3 hours for a class requirement. That's the job I thought I might get but the budget was cut and they couldn't hire anyone. The career services person said she'd put in a good word for me with the store room, as well as pass my resume along to some of her contacts. She said I was professional, interviewed well, and was passionate about what I wanted to do after graduation, but need experience.

 I got a call the next day from a local hospital, asking me to come in for an interview, which I did. The position was for the dietary office, talking directly to the patients about their meal choices and then entering it into the computer. I got a tour of the kitchen and cafe. Unfortunately, there were no open positions for either of them. I told him what I wanted to do and wanted experience in. He was honest with my and said I could very well get pigeon-holed in the dietary office, especially if I do a good job. Plus there were employees who hired in before me waiting for food production positions to open. We agreed he'd hold my resume and call if there was an open position. That was very nice of him. Then I got a call from the owner (with other investors) of several restaurants and delis around the area. He has one restaurant in a big hotel in downtown Detroit. I received the call when I was on my way to the interview at the hospital. This is a job I'd REALLY want! He does a lot of catering. His name is HUGE in town and Detroit. I had just sent him a letter a while back, expressing my desire to work for him, how I didn't have years and years to gain experience and I wanted to work for the best! He got my name from career services and wanted me to come in for an interview. I mentioned the letter and he said from my lack of experience I would never have gotten a call - it was only on the word of career services - and her word goes a long way! I'm excited to have the opportunity to get real world experience, but there's no way I could work 20-24 hours a week and take four classes - no way. If I do start work, I'm going to have to drop back to three classes, which will take me longer to graduate.

Dan and I still aren't talking or communicating. It hurts so much. Jason said I just have to give it time. I can't believe it will be a year in March when Dan asked for the separation. The pain and hurt will never go away, but it's getting easier. I'm not crying as much, but still have times where I break down, especially when I'm tired and overwhelmed. I finally got my health insurance situation settled.

The guy I'm seeing , Ramzi, is such a great guy. We have so much in common, especially the pain of going through divorces. We each know how easy it is to lose everything - how you need to grow and nurture a relationship, not take it for granted, and how you need to respect a relationship and your mate, and work on it every single day. He's great, too, because he knows how much homework I have and how busy I am. We usually make dinner either together or he makes it so I can study. He's a fantastic cook so that's fun. We've both gone through Divorce Care - him twice and me just half of the sessions. I still want to start over when I can find time. We are both going through a marriage seminar series at church. We both want to really know what it takes to keep a marriage together and learn from our past mistakes. There are several divorced and unmarried couples attending. We are enjoying it and it's Christian-based, so that's a real bonus. The last session, it hurt so much because a lot of it hit home for me - things I did wrong - things I could have done better. I felt awful. I wish Dan and I would have gone through something like this. But, this is a learning experience for both Ramzi and I and we are grateful for it.

Today is Super Bowl Sunday! I'm going over to Ramzi's house...his girls are with him this weekend and I'm going to meet them for the first time. I'm probably more nervous than they are. I can only imagine what's going through their minds. I hope they can just accept me - not as a mother figure, but as a friend and someone who cares for their Dad. I'm taking an apple pie I made in open lab yesterday (snuck it out!) God give me strength today and the rest of the week.