October

I can't believe that my last post was only October 10th...seems like a lifetime ago. The day I went to Kalamazoo to see my therapist was a hard day. That's the day I found out that Dan had remarried. I just felt my world crumble. This was right on the heels of my break-up with Ramzi. But then the next day, I felt a sort of relief. I can't explain it. It was like it is really over with Dan - he has certainly moved on. I need to, too.

Exactly one week later, I got a call from my brother telling me that my niece had committed suicide. I was in total disbelief. I still am. Throughout the next week, I was in a daze. I drove home for the viewing and the funeral. During the funeral mass, the pastor said something that has really stuck - and has helped me through this past couple of weeks. He said, it's not about you - it's not about Desa - it's about God and how he brought us all here together. Her death, though senseless - has to mean something. We need to take this opportunity to open our hearts to God. I've not been doing that. I've been trying to hold onto every hurt, every emotion, every pain, every fear. That day - that moment - I gave it up to God and said, I can't do this anymore. I've got to give it up to you - everything - I need your help. I can't do this anymore on my own. God spoke to me. I asked my Dad and my brother if they felt it, too. They did not. It was not their time.

I can't let her death be in vain. For me, I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior - again. So, I've made contact with a representative of Yellow Ribbon - a group addressing suicide prevention. I want to help, but I also want to heal.

School is going really well. I have more work this semester, but don't feel the stress like I did last semester. Mid-terms were this week and I'm carrying an A in all four classes. I am starting back to the gym. I've been taking time to breathe like my therapist suggested. I'm going to be working in the kitchen at work to get some back of the house experience, which I'm excited about. God has given me so many joys - I have to see them and recognize them and not just focus on the negatives. I have so many friends who care about me. I have so much. Life is full of good and bad. I have to take the bad, then let it go. I have to take the good and hold onto it.