As the time between being Dan's wife and not grows wider and wider, there have been some memories that have been hard to shake. We went to Washington, DC in 2010, things were rocky in the spring, but we went anyway in June. It was so hard to forgive him, I wish I would have tried harder. We had a nice vacation, I think that was one of the last really nice times we had. We went to Germany then in December, and it was the beginning of the end - that was a bitter-sweet vacation.
There were so many nice trips I can remember - great times with the boys, then they brought friends, then girl friends. A lot of those memories have been swirling around in my head lately.
I have to say, since Christmas, I've been just hanging on...just trying to survive - day by day. I've been so busy with work and school and homework - I'm exhausted. My body is so out of whack - I can't fall asleep, then I can't wake up. But, I know I have to keep going - keep on this track. Four more semesters after this one. I worked three 12-hour days last week, and had school from 1-9:30 in between. I guess I'm just worn out.
UUGGHH! I guess, what's really bothering me is I'm not sure where I'm gong to end up - what I'm going to do - what I'll be doing. I'm really nervous about it. This semester is really, really tough - the toughest one so far. I'm sitting here doing a huge project for one of the classes and i'm just hoping I have enough time to get it done. It's 10:30 pm and I believe I'll be pulling an all-nighter. It's -2 degrees! I took a break just to get out of the apartment and stretch my legs and it's bitter, bitter cold. I think we're supposed to have temperatures with wind chills down around -28 degrees for the next few days. My heat is constantly on because I just can't seem to get warm in this apartment. I renewed my lease today - for one more year. I HOPE it's just one more year.
Well, enough of this - I need to get back to homework.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Stuff...
I should probably not even write this! But, as I'm short of friendly faces around me, I guess this will have to do.
I'm having a crisis - why did I choose this? why can't I find a nice guy? why is everything so hard lately? I wish I were younger.
Stuff has been swirling around in my head since before the Christmas break...and I'm so sick of the broken record. I want this next year to be over already. I want to be done with school. This semester is the hardest ever - there is so much homework, stuff I don't understand, and little time to do it. I'm working at least 30 hours a week, mostly 10 hour days and they are killing me. On my feet, non-stop, pressure, trying to memorize, remember techniques, not look like a total imbecile. I'm also trying to fit just 3 hours a week in at the gym - just three hours...The time I have carved out is 5:15-6:15 am two days a week and 9:00-10:00 one day a week...I'm making one day. My goal is to make it three times this week. All I want to do is sleep!
I talked with the exec. chef and he said I'm way to hard on my self - the story of my life. I guess I have so little time, really, until I'm done with school, and I feel I know 1/1000 of what I need to know. I'm so sick of thinking this way - of being in this place. I'm avoiding doing my homework because I don't understand it. I got a tutor for Statistics and I'll probably start next week. The professor teaching our class is all over the place. The girl sitting beside me is class left, then came back. She whispered to me she tried to get out of the class because she said she's never going to get this. I told her after class, don't quit, you'll be a week behind it any other class you sign up for, I said we'll get it together. If I can get it, that is!
The exec. chef also said - after 4 months - he's going to start being harder on me because I need it. Yes, I do. I need pushed, I need the pressure. I've worked on "the line" a few days last week in pantry, where they make all the salads and desserts. I worked the afternoon shift, which wasn't like the evening shift when it really rocks. I watch those guys on the line and think, I'll never be that good. Of course I won't! They've been at it for years! I don't have years! I don't have 10-15 years of experience either in front of me or behind me. I don't know what I'm going to do, or who's going to hire me with very little experience. I'm just stressing a lot over a lot of things. Enough said.
Here's some photos. First, I got another tattoo over the holiday. It's on my forearm and it's my incentive to finish this thing and make a go of the career I've chosen - the path I decided to take, whether right or wrong, I have to stick with it. I got made fun of when I first started because I had expensive Shun knives. My boss - the sous chef - was overheard by me saying "I can't stand these people who have these expensive knives and don't know how to sharpen them." You can bet I've learned how to sharpen them! So, that's my Shun knife. The whisk is so I don't forget my real love - baking. The pick ribbon ties them because I'm still a girlie girl and I have a lot of pink! Notice my shoes! Then one of my co-workers took a photo of me cleaning Teres'. I did fine with those, except the chef spied me going a little too deep removing the silver skin and said "if you're cutting red, you wasting green". Remember, he told me he was going to be hard on me! Well, after that, my Achilles heel - cleaning a chicken. I completely feel apart because I'm so intimidated by it. So, I asked the exec. chef if I could clean every chicken that came into the restaurant until I get it...that's what I need...consistency. The sous chef who was working with me said, no you're fucking it up - I can't let you do this alone. That killed me. I will get it - once I've done about 100 like he has - he's 23!!! UUUGGGHHH!
Oh, well, back to homework! Please, if you're reading this - say a prayer for me of encouragement. I need that right now.
I'm having a crisis - why did I choose this? why can't I find a nice guy? why is everything so hard lately? I wish I were younger.
Stuff has been swirling around in my head since before the Christmas break...and I'm so sick of the broken record. I want this next year to be over already. I want to be done with school. This semester is the hardest ever - there is so much homework, stuff I don't understand, and little time to do it. I'm working at least 30 hours a week, mostly 10 hour days and they are killing me. On my feet, non-stop, pressure, trying to memorize, remember techniques, not look like a total imbecile. I'm also trying to fit just 3 hours a week in at the gym - just three hours...The time I have carved out is 5:15-6:15 am two days a week and 9:00-10:00 one day a week...I'm making one day. My goal is to make it three times this week. All I want to do is sleep!
I talked with the exec. chef and he said I'm way to hard on my self - the story of my life. I guess I have so little time, really, until I'm done with school, and I feel I know 1/1000 of what I need to know. I'm so sick of thinking this way - of being in this place. I'm avoiding doing my homework because I don't understand it. I got a tutor for Statistics and I'll probably start next week. The professor teaching our class is all over the place. The girl sitting beside me is class left, then came back. She whispered to me she tried to get out of the class because she said she's never going to get this. I told her after class, don't quit, you'll be a week behind it any other class you sign up for, I said we'll get it together. If I can get it, that is!
The exec. chef also said - after 4 months - he's going to start being harder on me because I need it. Yes, I do. I need pushed, I need the pressure. I've worked on "the line" a few days last week in pantry, where they make all the salads and desserts. I worked the afternoon shift, which wasn't like the evening shift when it really rocks. I watch those guys on the line and think, I'll never be that good. Of course I won't! They've been at it for years! I don't have years! I don't have 10-15 years of experience either in front of me or behind me. I don't know what I'm going to do, or who's going to hire me with very little experience. I'm just stressing a lot over a lot of things. Enough said.
Here's some photos. First, I got another tattoo over the holiday. It's on my forearm and it's my incentive to finish this thing and make a go of the career I've chosen - the path I decided to take, whether right or wrong, I have to stick with it. I got made fun of when I first started because I had expensive Shun knives. My boss - the sous chef - was overheard by me saying "I can't stand these people who have these expensive knives and don't know how to sharpen them." You can bet I've learned how to sharpen them! So, that's my Shun knife. The whisk is so I don't forget my real love - baking. The pick ribbon ties them because I'm still a girlie girl and I have a lot of pink! Notice my shoes! Then one of my co-workers took a photo of me cleaning Teres'. I did fine with those, except the chef spied me going a little too deep removing the silver skin and said "if you're cutting red, you wasting green". Remember, he told me he was going to be hard on me! Well, after that, my Achilles heel - cleaning a chicken. I completely feel apart because I'm so intimidated by it. So, I asked the exec. chef if I could clean every chicken that came into the restaurant until I get it...that's what I need...consistency. The sous chef who was working with me said, no you're fucking it up - I can't let you do this alone. That killed me. I will get it - once I've done about 100 like he has - he's 23!!! UUUGGGHHH!
Oh, well, back to homework! Please, if you're reading this - say a prayer for me of encouragement. I need that right now.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Boy oh Boy!
OK, anyone who read my blog in the last month is probably surprised that I deleted the last two posts. Let me explain...I guess I wanted to pretend it never happened.
After swearing off dating online - I did it again! Jeez! Anyway, I met this really nice guy, my age, and we started communicating. I met three or four others, but this one stuck. We went out a few times and really, really hit it off. I fell HARD! He was living apart from his ex of 33 years for a year, but was only officially divorced since this past July. We started seeing each other in October. I thought it was perfect. We had so much in common, we just melted together. I really, really thought this was it...
Then, well then it wasn't. He asked me last week if we could slow things down - just be friends. What? How can you go from loving someone to then becoming just friends? I said I couldn't do it - it would be too hard. He then admitted that perhaps he wasn't ready for this kind of a relationship. I think with the holidays, and his telling his ex about me and her saying she didn't want to see him again, and his not telling his kids about me because she asked him not to...the signs were there. I asked him if he thought he was really ready for this kind of relationship and he got mad at me and said I hurt him. I think he didn't want to admit it quite then, but then, he did. So, of course, this happens the week after I introduce him to Jason and Brittany. I just feel so foolish - how could I fall that hard...I guess because I did!
I feel gutted. How can I keep going through this? Is it because I don't want to be alone and I'll put up with crap just so I'm not? I know the couple guys I was seeing over the spring and summer were not good for me - I knew it and I know it. I just didn't want to be alone.
So, there was a guy from the summer. We saw each other a few times. I had surgery and said I'd be out of commission for six weeks. He contacted me several times after that, but I just wasn't sure about it. He was sorta persistent. Well, a few days before the other guy and I talked and he said he wanted to just be friends and I said no was the day guy 2 texted me and asked how I was. I told him I was seeing someone, but not sure how it was going to end up. I told him if things fell apart, maybe I'd call him. I didn't know what I was doing. So, I texted him and told him that I was no longer seeing the other guy. He said, when can I see you. I said Friday. Am I crazy or what? We've seen each other a few times since then and we're seeing each other this week. He is super nice. I'm in limbo I guess.
Well, there it is...UUUGGGHHH!
School is awesome - I have a 3.9999999 - rounded up to a cumulative 4.0 GPA. I'm so proud of myself. I never would have said anything like that when I was married.
Work at the restaurant is going OK - I just wish I could be what I think I could be. I know these people have been doing this for years and I just really started in the kitchen in September/October, but I guess I've always expected too much from myself. I know that had a lot to do with my divorce...
I've been thinking about Dan quite a bit lately. There are times when days and days will go by with just a casual thought, but then there are times when I so wish I could turn back the clock and do things all over again the right way. I know that and I'd probably do anything to have that happen, but would it really make any difference? Would that have prevented him from wandering - from pulling away from me? Would that have prevented him from falling in love with someone I considered a friend? Was it fate?
I want to decorate for Christmas and I don't. Like I said, I think I'm in limbo right now. I think I'm probably heading for another disappointment. Terrible to think that way, when this guy could be the guy. I'm not saying a word to the boys about it - maybe in a year or so...LOL!
After swearing off dating online - I did it again! Jeez! Anyway, I met this really nice guy, my age, and we started communicating. I met three or four others, but this one stuck. We went out a few times and really, really hit it off. I fell HARD! He was living apart from his ex of 33 years for a year, but was only officially divorced since this past July. We started seeing each other in October. I thought it was perfect. We had so much in common, we just melted together. I really, really thought this was it...
Then, well then it wasn't. He asked me last week if we could slow things down - just be friends. What? How can you go from loving someone to then becoming just friends? I said I couldn't do it - it would be too hard. He then admitted that perhaps he wasn't ready for this kind of a relationship. I think with the holidays, and his telling his ex about me and her saying she didn't want to see him again, and his not telling his kids about me because she asked him not to...the signs were there. I asked him if he thought he was really ready for this kind of relationship and he got mad at me and said I hurt him. I think he didn't want to admit it quite then, but then, he did. So, of course, this happens the week after I introduce him to Jason and Brittany. I just feel so foolish - how could I fall that hard...I guess because I did!
I feel gutted. How can I keep going through this? Is it because I don't want to be alone and I'll put up with crap just so I'm not? I know the couple guys I was seeing over the spring and summer were not good for me - I knew it and I know it. I just didn't want to be alone.
So, there was a guy from the summer. We saw each other a few times. I had surgery and said I'd be out of commission for six weeks. He contacted me several times after that, but I just wasn't sure about it. He was sorta persistent. Well, a few days before the other guy and I talked and he said he wanted to just be friends and I said no was the day guy 2 texted me and asked how I was. I told him I was seeing someone, but not sure how it was going to end up. I told him if things fell apart, maybe I'd call him. I didn't know what I was doing. So, I texted him and told him that I was no longer seeing the other guy. He said, when can I see you. I said Friday. Am I crazy or what? We've seen each other a few times since then and we're seeing each other this week. He is super nice. I'm in limbo I guess.
Well, there it is...UUUGGGHHH!
School is awesome - I have a 3.9999999 - rounded up to a cumulative 4.0 GPA. I'm so proud of myself. I never would have said anything like that when I was married.
Work at the restaurant is going OK - I just wish I could be what I think I could be. I know these people have been doing this for years and I just really started in the kitchen in September/October, but I guess I've always expected too much from myself. I know that had a lot to do with my divorce...
I've been thinking about Dan quite a bit lately. There are times when days and days will go by with just a casual thought, but then there are times when I so wish I could turn back the clock and do things all over again the right way. I know that and I'd probably do anything to have that happen, but would it really make any difference? Would that have prevented him from wandering - from pulling away from me? Would that have prevented him from falling in love with someone I considered a friend? Was it fate?
I want to decorate for Christmas and I don't. Like I said, I think I'm in limbo right now. I think I'm probably heading for another disappointment. Terrible to think that way, when this guy could be the guy. I'm not saying a word to the boys about it - maybe in a year or so...LOL!
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