Three years ago last week was when Dan told me he thought we were done. It took another few weeks for him to be sure - and I remember those weeks were hell. Nothing I could say or do would change his mind - I begged, I pleaded, but he finally decided he wanted out of our marriage. That seems like so long ago...I guess it's good that it's starting to fade - the detail - the arguments - the harsh, hateful words on both our parts - I can't seem to recall most of it anymore.
I'm feeling very anxious and struggling with the situation I'm in now, though completely different.
Thank you so much to those who saw my last text and checked in on me - I so appreciate it. A special thank you to Pat and Dick - your call was so needed.
Now, here's the thing...I'm working 30 hours a week and taking 16 credits. This semester is the semester from Hell - and I mean it this time. I can not get ahead of it, no matter if I stay up 5 days straight with no sleep. The good thing and the bad thing is that it's over in 11 days. I will never, never get everything done I need to get done in 11 days and I don't know what I'm going to do. Next semester is not going to be much better because I'll be re-learning Spanish I in preparation for Spanish II in the summer! LOL! I'm taking 16 credits next semester - two on campus (one of which is Chemistry) and two on-line plus relearning Spanish. I have to pay a tuition bill of $7,100. With working, I'm not spending the time I need on my homework or reading, or the time I need I guess - I'm a slow learner. At work, I'm not working the time I should be working - 40 hours - to be full time.
I'm not working out at the gym AT ALL. All I do is go to work, go to school, and do homework. No life, no fun.
I starting dating Keith again. We dated a while back in October, then I think he needed some time after his divorce, but seems ready for a relationship this time. We are so good for each other and we love each other. I don't have any time to see him. I'm constantly making dates then canceling them. Do I want him to feel he's not a priority to me? If I were 20 years younger, I'd put my career and school first. But it's different 20 years later - time is so short. I want to concentrate on what matters in life and enjoy every minute. I feel I'm not enjoying things much now. Keith is totally understanding and he has a full and active life of his own, but, being in a relationship is the piece of my life that's been missing. I've dated and haven't felt this way about anyone else - this is the real deal. We've talked about so many things and where we'd like to live and what we'd like to do. I need to have him in my life and I need to have time to enjoy him. Not only that, but with Spring and Summer coming, I want to be able to get out and run and ride my bike and golf with Keith. I'm burning the candle at both ends...
I think I need to not work right now...but it's paying my health insurance. I'd have to go back to a private plan and that was so expensive. But, I feel like I'm throwing $7,100 away if I'm not taking full advantage of school. Also I want to be more involved in the Student Ambassador program and spend more time with the kids I mentor. BUT, I NEED the experience the restaurant is giving me for after graduation. But, after burning the candle at both ends, not getting near enough sleep and gaining about 15 pounds from not moving and nervous eating - I need to take care of this old - no young! body. I don't want to, but I think I have to not work, concentrate on school, my health, Keith, and having fun. I can't do anymore than that.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Sunday, February 9, 2014
I Gotta Get Out of This Mood
It's been too long for me to feel this way. I thought after the holidays I'd be better. It does not seem to be the case! I'm taking a Psychology class this semester and a lot of things have come to light for me. Hard to face. I had my review at work, and although I ended up - from the Exec. Chef - exceeding expectations, there were a lot of areas I cold have done better if I had more confidence in myself. Story of my life. I know that's something that drove Dan crazy about me. I never think I'm good enough.
Work on Friday was just awful. I went into work with such a good attitude! Then - uuuggghhh - I felt like a failure. I went out to the market - we have a market within our restaurant where the sandwiches, cheese and meat boards are made up. I went out to get some lavender honey, candied nuts, and dried fruit to do a cheese display for an evening event. The cook out there - as soon as I got there was like, what do you need? I said I just need to grab some stuff. I was not in his way, but he said could you get what you need and get out of here? I just turned around and left. I went back after he went home. I know others in the restaurant think he's a dick, but that was the first time he was like that to me. Then, I was getting ready to do the cheese display. This kid I work with - 18 - said to me, it's got to look nice so I'll help you. I bit my tongue. He looked at the amount of cheese I had and said that's not nearly enough, and he started to prep more. I said I'd like to have chance to do this myself. I got a napkin lined box filled with crusty bread and crackers and set it on the board just to get it out of the way. He came over and moved it. That was it - I was pissed - I said, go ahead, you do it. He looked at me and said you really what that there? Then he moved it back where I had it. I said forget it - you just finish it because anything I do is not going to be right in your eyes. I know he's 18 and so immature, but he does this to me ALL THE TIME. Questions me, tells me this isn't right or that isn't right. As soon as I had walked into work, he comes to me and says, hey anytime you sear meat, you have to season the shit out of it. I said I did, and he said no, you didn't. Nothing about how nice I seared it or how nice the grill marks were, just what I didn't do. I guess if my boys were reading this now they say I'm getting a dose of my own medicine since I did that a lot to then growing up! Anyway, he finished the board. Then we were getting ready for the buffet and I was going to sauce the fish with this wine reduction. He made it and reduced it too much, so there was not a lot and it was very thick. I picked up the ladle and he said, hey, that's all we have. I said, I know, and put the ladle down and said then I guess you had better do it. I've never done that at work before. I didn't even go and help set up for the buffet. I stayed behind in the kitchen and cleaned up his huge mess, which he always leaves, just wanting to get everything ship shape so I could leave for the evening. My new sous chef came over to me and asked if everything was OK because I was being quiet, plus he overheard my conversation with the kid. I just wanted to cry and tried my best not to. He said he didn't want any dissension within our group. I apologized for what I had said, but told him I've had enough. I asked him not to mention anything, that I would take care of it. But, you know, whatever I say, I'm now going to be the bad guy.
It's just so hard, to have everything you do picked apart because you're new and everyone wants to "help". When I was bowling some caramelized onions, one of my workmates said I had put too much in a bowl because it's very expensive. I said, OK, went and got a smaller bowl, and then she said I don't like that bowl, let's go look for another. It was the same size, just different. What difference does it make??? When it's stuff like that, what difference does it make?
I just have to show that I have confidence in myself and gently push back, then maybe people would start thinking I know what I'm doing. I could not believe how quickly my mood changed. How I walked into work with such confidence, then all of a sudden I felt like I didn't know anything. I never do that to anyone. UUUGGGHHH! I'm still not sure what I want to do. My professor at school suggested food service, you know like hospitals and schools? I could get my certification after my bachelor's degree. But, I don't think I want to sit behind a desk. I want to be with people, so I really believe I want to be front of the house. I have more experience there.
It's really not like it's totally awful at work, I don't want you to think that, but the times like I had on Friday seem to overwhelm the good times. We do have fun, goof around, and there are things that I do right. We were supposed to come up with a dill cream for a vegetable platter. I made my dill dip that I've been making forever and everyone loved it. I made a Tomato Bisque that was so good. It was added to the rest of a batch that this young kid made. He said it was good because of his part! I just let it slide. Not worth it. Someday he's going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person. I've seen it happen so it's just not me. I have to let his comments just slide. That's what my sous chef said, he said let those comments slide. You have it, you know what you're doing. You know it and I know it. You are respected here, believe me. So, I guess I have to believe it.
Please, give me some positive thoughts so I can gain confidence. I'm going to bite my tongue when I'm tempted to ask a stupid question that I know the answer to but just want to confirm. This is such a hard time in my life right now. I'm tired of school - just want to be done already! I know, no one is going to have confidence in me if I don't have confidence in myself.
Work on Friday was just awful. I went into work with such a good attitude! Then - uuuggghhh - I felt like a failure. I went out to the market - we have a market within our restaurant where the sandwiches, cheese and meat boards are made up. I went out to get some lavender honey, candied nuts, and dried fruit to do a cheese display for an evening event. The cook out there - as soon as I got there was like, what do you need? I said I just need to grab some stuff. I was not in his way, but he said could you get what you need and get out of here? I just turned around and left. I went back after he went home. I know others in the restaurant think he's a dick, but that was the first time he was like that to me. Then, I was getting ready to do the cheese display. This kid I work with - 18 - said to me, it's got to look nice so I'll help you. I bit my tongue. He looked at the amount of cheese I had and said that's not nearly enough, and he started to prep more. I said I'd like to have chance to do this myself. I got a napkin lined box filled with crusty bread and crackers and set it on the board just to get it out of the way. He came over and moved it. That was it - I was pissed - I said, go ahead, you do it. He looked at me and said you really what that there? Then he moved it back where I had it. I said forget it - you just finish it because anything I do is not going to be right in your eyes. I know he's 18 and so immature, but he does this to me ALL THE TIME. Questions me, tells me this isn't right or that isn't right. As soon as I had walked into work, he comes to me and says, hey anytime you sear meat, you have to season the shit out of it. I said I did, and he said no, you didn't. Nothing about how nice I seared it or how nice the grill marks were, just what I didn't do. I guess if my boys were reading this now they say I'm getting a dose of my own medicine since I did that a lot to then growing up! Anyway, he finished the board. Then we were getting ready for the buffet and I was going to sauce the fish with this wine reduction. He made it and reduced it too much, so there was not a lot and it was very thick. I picked up the ladle and he said, hey, that's all we have. I said, I know, and put the ladle down and said then I guess you had better do it. I've never done that at work before. I didn't even go and help set up for the buffet. I stayed behind in the kitchen and cleaned up his huge mess, which he always leaves, just wanting to get everything ship shape so I could leave for the evening. My new sous chef came over to me and asked if everything was OK because I was being quiet, plus he overheard my conversation with the kid. I just wanted to cry and tried my best not to. He said he didn't want any dissension within our group. I apologized for what I had said, but told him I've had enough. I asked him not to mention anything, that I would take care of it. But, you know, whatever I say, I'm now going to be the bad guy.
It's just so hard, to have everything you do picked apart because you're new and everyone wants to "help". When I was bowling some caramelized onions, one of my workmates said I had put too much in a bowl because it's very expensive. I said, OK, went and got a smaller bowl, and then she said I don't like that bowl, let's go look for another. It was the same size, just different. What difference does it make??? When it's stuff like that, what difference does it make?
I just have to show that I have confidence in myself and gently push back, then maybe people would start thinking I know what I'm doing. I could not believe how quickly my mood changed. How I walked into work with such confidence, then all of a sudden I felt like I didn't know anything. I never do that to anyone. UUUGGGHHH! I'm still not sure what I want to do. My professor at school suggested food service, you know like hospitals and schools? I could get my certification after my bachelor's degree. But, I don't think I want to sit behind a desk. I want to be with people, so I really believe I want to be front of the house. I have more experience there.
It's really not like it's totally awful at work, I don't want you to think that, but the times like I had on Friday seem to overwhelm the good times. We do have fun, goof around, and there are things that I do right. We were supposed to come up with a dill cream for a vegetable platter. I made my dill dip that I've been making forever and everyone loved it. I made a Tomato Bisque that was so good. It was added to the rest of a batch that this young kid made. He said it was good because of his part! I just let it slide. Not worth it. Someday he's going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person. I've seen it happen so it's just not me. I have to let his comments just slide. That's what my sous chef said, he said let those comments slide. You have it, you know what you're doing. You know it and I know it. You are respected here, believe me. So, I guess I have to believe it.
Please, give me some positive thoughts so I can gain confidence. I'm going to bite my tongue when I'm tempted to ask a stupid question that I know the answer to but just want to confirm. This is such a hard time in my life right now. I'm tired of school - just want to be done already! I know, no one is going to have confidence in me if I don't have confidence in myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)