The Past Couple of Weeks...

I can't believe the past few weeks - how very difficult they've been. Today I'm preparing a group research paper, studying for a national food safety test, starting to study for the final in two weeks, and doing homework and studying for a quiz. I've been putting the apartment together a little at a time. It's starting to come together. I feel pretty confident driving around the area, although I still use my Garmin! I've been to the ortho. doctor here and am starting physical therapy. I went to my new gym yesterday - I've got lots of work to do!!!

How do I feel? Sad. Sad about how my husband - soon to be ex-husband feels about me. Upset about how mediation went. I'll be fine, but I know my husband is NOT happy about it at all. I wonder what my boys think of me? I look around at this apartment some days (today is the start of week 3) and I think it's a dream and I'm going to wake up next to Dan and realize this was just a dream.

Thank God for the fantastic friends I have. They've truly pulled me through - every one of them. I am here - in this situation - and I have to make the most of it. I pray that our research presentation on Monday goes very well and we get full points. I pray that the quiz I need to study for is easy. I pray that I remember all the answers on the final. I pray that I pass the National Food Safety Training test - even if I don't get a better grade than my brother Kevin who's thrown down the guantlet and challenged me to better his score. I don't care - I just want to pass. I pray that I get through this one class successfully so I have the confidence to go into the next session where I'm taking 4 classes. Right now, that's all I want. I know it's asking a lot.

I can feel Summer slipping away and Fall is just around the corner. This used to be my favorite time of the year. Not this year. But I hope in the future it can be again. I miss my old life, my friends, my kids (Jason and Brittany were about 15 minutes away) and my beautiful home - especially when I look at the grungy carpet in this apartment. And I especially miss being married and happy with Dan. I know I'll never, ever have that again - I know that. It's time to start looking ahead instead of behind me. I've got a fantastic opportunity in front of me. I KNOW how fortunate I am to be in the position to pursue my dream - to reinvent myself - to start over. I want the second part of my life to be just as happy as the first part was, because despite the last few years and the divorce, it was fantastically happy. I remember all the good times and try to forget the bad, but learn from them. I KNOW we were happy and maybe some day Dan will remember that, too. I still love Dan...maybe not in the way I used to, but I still love the man I've spent almost my entire life with, the man who gave me two beautiful, healthy, successful and happy boys. I pray that some day he remembers all of that, too,

Overwhelmed

OK,

I'm over halfway through this school session. I've been busy packing, studying, completing my TAPS on line training, making last minute plans for the move and trying to keep my sanity. This is unbelievably difficult to say the least. I had 11 friends help me pack up my stuff in one day - it was amazing and there was NO WAY I could have done that myself. I hate to ask anyone for anything, so that was extremely hard to admit I couldn't do it alone. I'm so glad I asked for help. Jason and Brittany have purchased a home, and they are moving just a few days after I do. I wish I could help them more.

So I've been thinking. This coming Wednesday - in three days - when I walk out of this house and drive to Northville to my apartment - my new home - I won't just be walking out of this house. I'll be walking out of the life I've known almost all of my life. I don't want it, I hate it, I'm angry, sad, nervous, apprehensive, and so very tired. But, I know it is for the best, it is happening, it is not a dream, and I've got to prepare myself for what comes next. We have mediation on August 31st, so I'll have to drive back to Kalamazoo for that. I just feel like I'm three steps behind on everything. I ould not be doing any of this without the help and support of my friends, family, and most importantly - my boys.

Whoo Hoo - The 1st Day of School!

Well,

Today was the first day of school! Wow! A bit overwhelmed. But how exciting. The beginning of my new future. I just hope I can do this. I'm just so nervous after not being in school for so long. I've got a lot of learning to do and a lot of time management skills to put into place. I know at the beginning it's going to be tough until I get a session under my belt, but I can do this!

My very good friend has a wedding coming up this weekend, and Jason - my son - is getting married the following weekend. Then I move to my new place in Northville on August 24th. I'm hoping the divorce isn't rough and I can travel back to Richland every once in a while until it's all settled. Then I can start to heal. You just don't have 30 years of memories and love and committment ripped out of your heart and have it heal in a few months. This is going to take a long time.

Here We Go!